Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Monday, November 21, 2005

Frost Report: Day 1 

And it's quite an inauspicious start for the Frost Report, as Jenny has kept quite a low profile for her first day on I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here, perhaps because she's still in shock at being one of the most famous people in the group. Arriving to meet her fellow celebs for the first time, she eschewed the more practical outfits worn by the others and chose to make her entrance in a rolling stones t-shirt, denim hotpants and boots, accessorised with the sort of shades that are normally seen retailing in novelty stores in Blackpool for a couple of quid. Despite the fact that her hair looked like it hadn't seen product for weeks, we were happily informed that her luxury item for the fortnight is hair conditioner, which perhaps shows that it's a luxury item for her in real life as well.

"I'm not really a slumming it kind of girl", she informed us via the medium of voiceover, while her ex-bandmates - or friends, as the caption decided to style them - suggested that "2 weeks in the jungle without being pampered and she'll go absolutely mental", giving the audience an insight into her hitherto unknown incontinence problem.

But! All this schmoozing has to come to an end, and it's time for Jenny and friends to enter the jungle for the first time. They're split into two groups and, after sneezing in a fashion identical to that of a pig, Jenny's lot are packed off into their helicopter for a short journey. Initially she's full of high spirits, or possibly actual spirits, joking about whether her seat reclines, but a few minutes into the journey and the expression on her face indicates that vomiting is not too far away, an expression which mirrors that of most people who've found themselves listening to recent Atomic Kitten material.

Upon landing in a clearing, Jenny's survival instincts instantly leapt into play and she was the first to discover a map pinned to the side of a tree. Fortunately for the others in her group, said instincts were strong enough for her not to worry her pretty little head head over it and actually try and understand it herself, and she promptly handed it to Kimberly Davies, who seemed to posses something of a clue, though given that she promptly led them to a high wire act above a massive ravine, this conclusion is open to question.

Second to cross, despite chucking a few mild hissy fits in the direction of Antony Costa, who was leading the group across the wire thanks to his experience with wearing safety harnesses during Blue stage shows, Jenny made it safely over and was soon joined by Little Jimmy Osmond, a man who scares us in ways we never thought possible. Trouble was to come though, with Some Girl From Eastenders having problems and needing to get helped across. Jenny took this in her stride, happily shouting vague words of encouragement to her, unlike Kimberly, who was following behind. She took the role of a mother who blames her children for cutting short her youth and was as unsympathetic as a hungry shark. Eventually, however, they all made it across and they quickly finished their trek into camp.

As the first to arrive, the five of them had a few tasks to do before the others arrived. Once again our Jen took control here and read out the welcome letter: "Put the Hessian screen around the toilet". She paused and looked around for said device. "Is that it there?", she pondered, gesturing towards the camp's water container. We hope and pray that everyone involved in the show understands the importance of boiling drinking water.

Little Jimmy Osmond proved, as we suspect, that he is entirely evil by smuggling in some contraband salt and pepper into the camp via the stuffing of his teddy bear. Jenny, already bikinied up, was quick to avail herself of this black market condiment, despite the fact that she'd only been without 'proper' food for upwards of 12 hours. Apparently she "knew that bear was up to no good", her time in Atomic Kitten having rendered her skilled in the act of reading the thoughts and emotions of inanimate objects.

Jenny's not up for tonight's Bushtucker Trial, the audience sending Carol Thatcher on the Highway to Hell, no doubt as the closest they'll get to making her mother do it, but if you would like her to suffer some pain and humiliation in the future - don't worry, it won't affect her too much, she's used to suffering pain and humiliation from her time in Atomic Kitten - then you can either phone 09011 32 32 04 or text FROST to 63334, and we strongly urge you to so at the next available opportunity.