Thursday, July 27, 2006
The Ghosts of TotP Present(ers)
Our somewhat misguided attempt to cover every single person who's ever hosted Top of the Pops continues on in our usual haphazard and shambolic fashion. The third and final part will follow at some point during the weekend, but until then here's our guide from Lisa I'Anson, all the way down - or, indeed up - to Steve Punt:-
- Lisa I'anson - Lisa was sacked from Radio 1 after the station went off to Ibiza for a weekend of broadcasts, so as to give the listeners a taste of what the atmosphere was like over there. Unfortunately Lisa took the idea of giving the listeners a taste of what goes on over there a little too literally and promptly went off and got so monged she couldn't make it in to host her own show.
- Colin Jackson - A hurdler. A good reason as to why the ability to run fast while jumping occasionally makes you a suitable host for a music programme escapes us at the minute. We're sure it'll come to us, though.
- David Jacobs - Radio 2 DJ, he hosts an easy listening show, providing aural Horlicks to the masses.
- David Jensen - David 'Kid' Jensen suffers from a rare, degenerative disease which means that while he'll age mentally, his body will remain forever trapped, peter Pan like, in the form of a 12year old boy. Scheduling arrangements were made carefully so that David never had to co-host the show with Gary Glitter.
- Adrian John - Hosted the early show on Radio 1 and now works for SAGA, providing a reassuring voice in the ear of the elderly to convince them they're not quite dead yet.
- Elton John - An obscure singer/pianist. His appearance was part of the BBC's commitment to new music.
- Davy Jones - Another Monkee. We wonder if, many years in the future, people will view the Arctic Monkeys with the same affection. Hell, we wonder if, just a few months into the future, people will even give a vague shit about them.
- Rachel Jones - Another of Moyles' sycophants. We wonder how she can hold her head up in public.
- Paul Jordan - Paul is perhaps best known for having had a number of boob jobs, leading to him having a secondary career as a glamour model, proudly displaying his H-Cup assets in a variety of publications.
- Phill Jupitus - Phill's a ska obsessive so is probably one of only two people to genuinely believe that the Ordinary Boys' ongoing success is a good thing.
- Adrian Juste - Adrian had a bit of a reputation as being a dogsbody, so much so that the cast of Grange Hill decided to try and help him out by releasing the track Juste, Say No! in the hope it might inspire him to have a bit of backbone.
- Tim Kash - Talent vaccuum Tim Kash very nearly single handedly brought down Top of the Pops all by himself, with his complete lack of charisma, talent, or any apparent interest in the programme and acts on it whatsoever.
- Peter Kay - Appeared in his Brian Potter guise, proving if nothing else, that the Top of the Pops studio is wheelchair accessible.
- Vernon Kay - Proving once again that the British public find themselves unable to differentiate between someone being entertaining and someone having a northern accent.
- Caron Keating - Ex-Blue Peter presenter and daughter of Glora Hunniford. It's hardly the most impressive resume in the world, is it?
- Ronan Keating - Ex Boyzone singer and man who is Ronan Keating. It's hardly the most impressive resume in the world, is it?
- Kevin Keegan - A footballer bloke. He had curly hair, which apparently makes him interesting. Mind you, in footballer terms that probably does make him interesting.
- Nigel Kennedy - Was marketed as the 'sexy' face of classical music, on the basis that he played violin, had interesting hair and liked football. He was soon dumped by the wayside, however, when the record companies that a slightly more convincing attempt to make classical musical seem sexy involved getting young ladies to dance around in the sea, playing the violin whilst wearing nawt but a nightie.
- Liz Kershaw - Liz Kershaw has never, to the best of our knowledge, danced around in the sea, playing the violin whist wearing nawt but a nightie.
- Kevin and Perry - The comedy creations of Harry Enfield. His term, we'd have called them "Lazy, unfunny stereotypes" if he'd asked us.
- Jonathan King - Yet another paedophile, and probably one of the most odious men to walk the earth, pervert or not.
- Alexis Korne - Invented the famous meat substitute. The main thing being substituted is 'flavour'.
- Steve Lamacq - The Manic Street Preachers' 4st 7lb was written about the less than lardy DJ.
- Mark Lamarr - Like Billie Piper, Mark comes from Swindon. Unlike Billie, Mark was absolutely rubbish during his brief foray as one of Doctor Who's assistants, finding that his sarcastic put downs were a poor match for the futuristic weaponry of the Cybermen.
- Cyndi Lauper - Wasn't too bothered about doing the show, just wanted to have fun.
- Stewart Lee - Co-creator of Jerry Springer the opera and, along side his comedy partner Richard Herring, creator of a popular brand of Worcester sauce.
- Justin Lee Collins - Another comedian labouring under the delusion that having an unusual accent instantly makes everything he says hilarious.
- Dave Lee Travis - Famously quit his DJ job live on air due to his annoyance that Radio One were getting rid of all the old presenters and bringing in flesh blood. Given that DLT was pretty much the dictionary definition of 'dinosaur', Radio One bosses weren't unduly perturbed.
- Mike Lennox - Another old school DJ, and former heavyweight champion of the world.
- Wendy Lloyd - A former Virgin DJ. In the sense that she used to work for Virgin, we've got no idea what sort of sexual experience she's had.
- Janice Long - The first full time female host of the show and also played with Dr Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, the band from the Muppet Show.
- Louise - The one out of Eternal people could probably pick out of an identity parade.
- Lulu - Can turn up or down the broadness of her Glaswegian accent as and when the situation requires it.
- Annie Mac - A popular order in your local burger outlet.
- Rod Mckenzie - Another of Chris Moyles's gang of baying morons.
- Craig Mclachlan - Not only was he Henry from Neighbours, he also had some chart success with his band Check-1-2. Please note the use of the phrase 'chart success' as opposed to the phrase 'music success'.
- Malcolm Mclaren - No doubt believes that he invented Top of the Pops, given his unshakable belief that he invented pretty much everything else to do with popular music. He’s deluded, of course. Everyone knows it was Pete Waterman.
- Ant McPartlin - See Dec.
- Jas Mann - Frontman of Babylon Zoo, a band who recently saw an upturn in their fortunes after they rebranded themselves as Babylon World of Adventure.
- Susie Mathis - A former pop star and DJ. We dunno what her music is like, but we can say, without any fear of contradiction, that it'll be at least a million times better than anything released by Johnny Mathis.
- James May - Another bloody Top Gear presenter. Do they really have nothing better to do? We mean, we can understand the fact that talking about cars all day long is inherently boring and they're keen to find something interesting to do, but seriously!
- Simon Mayo - Did not invent Mayonnaise.
- Meat Loaf - Did invent Meatloaf.
- Jayne Middlemiss - Her life story was told in the popular BBC costume drama Middlemiss. They glossed over the bit where she did nudey pictures, though.
- Scott Mills - The sort of DJ who, in many years to come, will be fondly remembered as "oh, what's his name, thingy. On the tip of my tongue. He was rubbish".
- Dannii Minogue - After hosting the show, the producer pressed her fee into her hand and said "Go on love, buy yourself something to eat and a nice warm bed for the night. For me, ey? Don't waste it on booze".
- Kylie Minogue - After her first appearance, Kylie was asked a few other times if she wanted to host the show. Well, it's better the devil you know.
- Mis-Teeq - Before their appearance the continuity announcer warned viewers that "The following programme contains coming on strong language".
- Mr. Blobby - A horrible, disgusting, pink blob of a creature, with no discernible talent or value. It's hard to know why the public ever took to him but at least they finally realised his sheer awfulness and... oh, sorry, this is the Johnathon King entry.
- Mn8 - Had a little something for us, they were coy about what it was, but it clearly wasn’t 'long term appeal'
- Mark Morrison - He didn't actually turn up to do his hosting duties, instead sending along someone else who looked nothing like him but was black. No-one batted an eyelid.
- Bob Mortimer - The half of Reeves and Mortimer that looks like he should be a lawyer. This is because he used to be a lawyer.
- Tony Mortimer - Tony used to be in East 17, then they reformed in the wake of the Take That reunion, so he was Tony from East 17 again. Unfortunately no-one really gave two hoots for the East 17 reunion, so he's back to being Tony who used to be in East 17 once more.
- Chris Moyles - Cunt.
- Brittany Murphy - Actress girl who, thanks to the unique way in which the BBC is funded, would have been promoting some movie at the license fee payers expense.
- Colin Murray - Colin has been paired with Edith Bowman for most of his radio work, an experience which has astounded the mathematical world by disproving the theory that multiplying two negatives will give you a positive
- Pete Murray - An old DJ, Pete was famed for his laid back style. Indeed, many claimed that he was too good to hurry. Mint.
- Trevor Nelson - R&B DJ and quite possibly the baldest person in the world.
- Annie Nightingale - Ironically enough, not only dos Annie have a terrible singing voice, she's not even an orphan, either!
- Christian O'Connell - Hosts the Virgin Radio Breakfast Show, which means he plays worse music, but is still less of a cunt than Chris Moyles.
- Ardal O'Hanlon - Appeared in one of the finest, best written, hilarious, influential, ground breaking and simply brilliant sitcoms of all time. My Hero.
- Dermot O'Leary - You have to admire Dermot for his ability to convincingly pretend to give a shit when some of the less, ahem, interesting housemates leave the Big Brother house and do their BBLB tour of duty before returning to the obscurity from whence they came.
- Femi Oke - Provides long lasting comfort and a feeling of feminine freshness all day long.
- Gary Olsen - He used to be in 2.4 Children. We can think of no earthly reason whatsoever why he would have been asked to present the show.
- Jack Osbourne - Son of Sharon and sister of Kelly. Genetics has a lot to answer for.
- Sharon Osbourne - What can be said about Sharon that hasn't been said before? How about "Oh look! There's a programme with Sharon Osbourne in, I bet that'll be worth watching, she’s just so entertaining!"
- Mark Owen - Ex Take That-er whose solo stuff is surprisingly good. Mark won Celebrity Big Brother a few years ago, yet failed to raise his profile as much as Chantelle managed. But Chantelle is a bit prettier.
- Norman Pace - Another member of Hale and Pace. It doesn't really matter which one.
- Simon Parkin - Simon used to present CBBC but now works as a valet for a hotel. He's the parkin attendant. Arf!
- Dixie Peach - A racist fruit.
- Andy Peebles - Peebles is a game where men compete to see who can dissolve Andy's head with a stream on urine in the quickest time.
- John Peel - The cool uncle you always wished you had.
- Dennis Pennis - Probably the best guest host they had, Dennis just took the piss out of everything on the show and made the whole thing hugely entertaining. If only Paul Kaye hadn't decided to stop being funny.
- Andi Peters - Another of Ed the Duck's ex colleagues. It's a shame he's not still on the scene, as he'd have probably done a better job of steering Top of the Pops into the 21st century than Andi managed.
- Gail Porter - Actually forget what we said about Trevor Nelson, Gail is the baldest person in the world. She also went to both our old primary and secondary school. Double fact!
- Jenny Powell - Like Nicky Campbell, she used to present Wheel of Fortune, so at least there were some brains on the show.
- Peter Powell - Former husband of Anthea Turner, before she decided to go off and get hitched to another bloke, mainly so that she could make some money advertising chocolate bars.
- Lisa Marie Presley - Elvis' daughter, which is as close as they ever got to actually having Elvis on the show, unless you count the impersonator they had on when all of his records were being pointlessly re-released.
- Preston - The only other person on this list to genuinely believe that the Ordinary Boys' ongoing success is a good thing.
- Alan Price - Probably the one from Alan Price Set and Animals fame. The Alan Price Set is a bit like Mecanno, only you can only make one thing out of it. Alan Price.
- Steve Punt - The other half of Punt and Dennis. Punt is the one who looks a bit like a science teacher. Well, a bit more like a science teacher.
