Monday, June 06, 2005
They Came and 8 Us
Wasn't the original Live Aid great? Well, we don't know ourselves, as at the time we would have been about 7 and our musical taste would likely have centered pretty firmly around the theme tunes to He-Man and Transformers, but History says it's great, so it must have been. After all, History is almost never wrong, so we will accept it's verdict, despite all the overwhelming evidence to the contrary from the line-up on the back of the 4 DVD box set. Anyway, as the event was so brilliant, Bob Geldof and The Other One have decided to stage another one, although this time it's not to raise money, but to raise awareness. Of course, the last time there was an awareness raising event on a similar scale, they called it Net Aid and, other than the inclusion of Catatonia it was an entirely rubbish event which only really drew attention to the fact that Gail Porter was a pretty rubbish TV presenter. Nowadays things are different, and people collect causes like The Noise Next Door collect bad reviews, so as a nation, we're a bit more susceptible to the ideas being raised, though quite whether all of our national media should be pulling together to promote an event whose awareness raising powers will be pretty much limited to letting people know that Coldplay have a new album out and that Annie Lennox still exists is a question that shall be left for another day. The fact remains that, like it or not - and for many possessing even a modicum of musical taste, the answer is not - the event will be taking place and will be impossible to escape from. Due to the enormous amount of tedium expectation for this event, the organisers have expanded the locations from the original London and Philadelphia to include Rome, Paris and Berlin, figuring not entirely unreasonably that if we're going to suffer, the rest of Europe might as well too. Anyway, as promised, here's our look at the full line-up - as it currently stands that is, if the list remains Spice Girl free, it'll be plumbing new depths of pointlessness:-
- Hyde Park, London
- Mariah Carey - Is having a women who cost her record company millions of pounds really the best person to be turning up to perform at a gig whose aims include getting the western world to take a second look at what they do with their wealth? Of course, if every band who was a bit well off was excluded from taking part in the event, the line-up would only consist of The Levellers supported by Dumpy's Rusty Nuts
- Coldplay - No surprise here that Chris Martin and the Sleeperblokes are included given that Chris is fond of scrawling vaguely political slogans all over his hands with all the subtlety of a 10 year old boy who's simultaneously discovered both magic markers and the fact he's not old enough to get a proper tattoo. Commentators will describe their performance as "spellbinding", reality will describe it as "dull as".
- Dido - Dido barely has enough personality to fill her front room, let alone the stage of a global mega event. Will likely do Thank You on the basis that it's the only song that anyone outside of Britain will likely give a shit about. Finding songs that anyone outside her immediate family will likely give a shit about is a similarly complicated and fruitless task.
- Keane - Presumably included so that the poverty stricken millions can look upon Tim Rice-Oxley's visage and think "Oh well, it could be worse".
- Sir Elton John - Sir Elton is drawn to charity mega events in much the same way that a moth is drawn to a flame or, indeed, Sir Elton is drawn to overpriced and garish furniture. He will use the opportunity to premier his new single, The World is Burning Money On a Candle in the Wind before heading off early to spend ten times the average worker's salary on fucking flowers.
- Annie Lennox - We bet that our incredulity about Annie's inclusion is nothing compared to her own.
- Madonna - Madge is, of course, a practioner of Kaballah, a religion which firmly believes in the redistribution of wealth. Of course, they mainly focus on redistributing the wealth of gullible celebrities into their own pockets, but it's a start.
- Muse - Not the band, but the moment when Noam Chomsky comes on stage, muses for 15 minutes about the poverty situation before screaming his conclusions at the audience. This may be a good time to go to the bar.
- Scissor Sisters - As we've said in the past, the Scissor Sisters are fucking ace. This will be the highlight, so once they've done their bit you can turn the telly off and do something less boring instead.
- Sir Paul McCartney - The only song in his oeuvre which will sum up what this event is supposed to be all about is The Frog Chorus. It's message is of global inclusion and a reminder that win or lose, we all stand together in our humanity - well, froganity in the song, but the gist is there - so what's the betting he doesn't play it, but instead does Yesterday for the millionth fucking time.
- Joss Stone - Will take the lyrics to Supa Dupa Love literally and stop, wait a minute half way her set. The band will cease playing and the crowd will presume that Joss is thinking deep thoughts about the unfair plight of many around the world, trying to come to terms with the unfairness of it all. As she does so, a tear forms in her eye and she rushes off stage, overwhelmed by her feelings. As it turns out, however, she'll merely have forgotten her words and ran off before she bursts out crying with embarrassment.
- Stereophonics - They also played the Net Aid event back in 1999. Having already failed to make a difference, why on earth are they getting another crack at the whip?
- Sting - Sting has been trying to save the world for a long time now. The only reason he hasn't succeeded isn't because the world doesn't want to be saved. It just doesn't want to suffer the embarrassment of being saved by Sting.
- Robbie Williams - Will try to be Freddie Mercury. Will fail to be Freddie Mercury. Will succeed in being an annoying twat.
- U2 - Bono is no doubt already sporting a hard-on at the thought of this. He's claimed many a time that the reason he's so into politics is that he believes he should use the celebrity caused by his massive sales to try and make a difference. Of course, it has nothing to do with the fact that by doing such high profile, attention grabbing stunts and getting photographed with world leaders he gets guaranteed publicity which helps boost sales of his band's records. Oh, no. Mind you, one thing's for sure, despite what many people claim, Bono does not have an ego. One thing he certainly lacks is self-awareness.
- REM - As Live 8 is ultimately a less interesting self parody of the original Live Aid extravaganza, it's quite appropriate that REM are playing, what with them now being a less interesting self parody of their own former glories.
- Velvet Revolver - Presumably there to bring the rock, what with Status Quo being 'otherwise engaged' - i.e. not invited.
- Bob Geldof - Come on! Do The Great Song of Indifference and we might even forgive you for this whole sorry affair.
- The Killers - We're presuming that, due to the amount of groups desperate to
grab a slice of the promotional piechange the world for the better, most of the band's sets will be somewhat shorter than traditional. This can only be a good thing for The Killers, as they can just go on stage, blast through Somebody Told Me, Mr Brightside and All These Things That I Have Done without having to pad out their time slot with album tracks that no-one, not even The Killers themselves, could give a fuck about. - The Cure - If they do a greatest hits set, they could actually be rather good. If, as we suspect, they do their new material, with Friday, I'm in Love thrown in at the end for good measure, we'll be somewhat unimpressed.
- Snow Patrol - Booked in case Coldplay can't make it.
- Ms Dynamite - Oh come on, you must remember her. She was briefly famous back in 2002. She won a couple of Brit Awards and the Mercury Music Panel gave her a prize for being "The most non-threatening black, and therefore Urban, artist since The Lighthouse Family", or something like that. She's kind of like a rubbish Estelle.
- Pink Floyd - Or the equivalent of the Spice Girls reunion for men of a certain age. We actually went through a bit of a Pink Floyd phase in our teenage years - Hey! Don't judge us! - so we're more interested in this than we really should be. Of course, it's not quite a true reunion, what with Syd Barrett still being firmly of the belief that the colours of his bedroom ceiling are really too amazing to leave behind and venture into the outside world, man, but it does mean that Roger Waters and Dave Gilmour will be on stage together for the first time in ages, and they may well even avoid lamping each other for the duration of the set. We wouldn't recommend putting a bet on them playing Learning to Fly or Keep Talking however.
- Razorlight - We read a piece in the NME the other week with lead singer Johnny Borrell where he discussed his involvement in the Make Poverty History campaign. We got bored half way through, but we think the gist of it is that every time Johnny clicks his fingers, which is every three seconds, a child in Africa dies. Perhaps someone should think about cutting his fingers off to help save the kids.
- Snoop Dogg - Wants to make poverty histizzle.
- Travis - Have been added to the bill after consultations on crowd safety. In the unlikely event of the crowd getting overly frisky due to the hugely exciting nature of the rest of the bill, Travis will be immediately be pushed on stage to sooth the crowd to sleep with their soporific songs of sedation.
- Mariah Carey - Is having a women who cost her record company millions of pounds really the best person to be turning up to perform at a gig whose aims include getting the western world to take a second look at what they do with their wealth? Of course, if every band who was a bit well off was excluded from taking part in the event, the line-up would only consist of The Levellers supported by Dumpy's Rusty Nuts
- Museum of Art, Philadelphia
- Will Smith (host) - Which is appropriate enough really, as it was in West Philadelphia he was born and raised, though he didn't spend much time in the Museum of Art, preferring instead to spend most of his days in the playground.
- Bon Jovi - Will use Living on a Prayer to help the audiences understand more clearly what being a bit poor is like.
- Maroon 5 - On the bill to demonstrate to the poverty stricken people who may feel it's impossible to escape from their situation that you don't actually need to have any talent to make money.
- P Diddy - So far he's only been penciled in to the line-up. Not because he's likely to pull out, but because they're not sure what he'll be calling himself by the time the gig actually comes around.
- Stevie Wonder - Stevie's still trying to atone for having duetted with Blue, but short of actively going round to the home of every man, woman and child in the world and apologising, it's hard to see him being forgiven.
- Jay-Z - "If you're having food problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but my brunch ain't one."
- The Dave Matthews Band - The lack of imagination that went into naming the band should tell you all you need to know about their music.
- Sarah McLachlan - Will be single handedly taking on the required earnestness quota for the American gig.
- Rob Thomas - Even at a Rob Thomas gig, Rob Thomas is generally the lowlight of the bill. Presumably called in because Hootie and the Blowfish were busy.
- Keith Urban - Not, as his name suggests, some sort of rapper type, but a New Zealand born country artist who sees Mark Knopfler as an influence, rather than someone who should be burnt at the stake and his children killed lest the evil persist. We wouldn't put him high on the list of "must sees" if we were you.
- 50 Cent - Not, as his publicity suggests, some sort of rapper type, but a professional mumbler who happens to be mates with Eminem. We're not entirely convinced that his blingtastic style will go down hugely well at a gig designed to raise awareness of poverty, but what do we know?
- Kaiser Chiefs - Geldof wants 1 million people to march on Edinburgh, our home city and a place which isn't, when you get right down to it, actually that big. Certainly it lacks both accommodation and toilet facilities for that many people. With that in mind, we're going to predict a riot as well.
- Will Smith (host) - Which is appropriate enough really, as it was in West Philadelphia he was born and raised, though he didn't spend much time in the Museum of Art, preferring instead to spend most of his days in the playground.
- Eiffel Tower, Paris
- Jamiroquai - Surely having Jay Kay, a man who generally seems to view recording studios as sewage processing plants, involved is counter productive? After all, all right thinking people automatically do the opposite of what ever he does. It's just common sense.
- Craig David - Where's Craig David?
- Youssoun N'Dour - Will just have 7 seconds to perform.
- Yannick Noah - No, us neither.
- Andrea Bocelli - Will likely do Time to Say Goodbye, which is quite appropriate as this is exactly what the majority of the audience will be thinking once he comes on stage.
- Calo Gero - Will be demonstrating his world renowned skills in "fancy writing".
- Kyo - You know, we should really have considered the fact that there'd be some foreign acts in here of which we have no knowledge of before deciding to go through the entire line-up piece by piece. Kyo apparently sound like Depeche Mode meets BB-Mak, which we reckon means that they must be pretty ace.
- Placebo - Oh, for fuck's sake.
- Axelle Red - Axelle Red, according to our 'research' is similar to Celine Dion, Barbara Streisland and Mariah Carey. Or, to put it another way, one of the worst artists ever to have graced this earth.
- Johnny Halliday - Ummm.... he's nothing to do with Johnny Holiday is he?
- Manu Chao - The inspiration for the cute little Chao's in Sonic Adventure on the Dreamcast.
- Renaud - A type of car. We're not sure what it's doing on the list, perhaps they're raffling it off?
- Jamiroquai - Surely having Jay Kay, a man who generally seems to view recording studios as sewage processing plants, involved is counter productive? After all, all right thinking people automatically do the opposite of what ever he does. It's just common sense.
- Brandenburg Gate, Berlin
- A-ha - Will be reworking the lyrics of their classic hit Take on Me to make it more relevant for the event. Currently the new version runs "Take on poverty / Take poverty on / It won't be gone / Without you". Bob Geldof is already admitting that these words are better than the handful of new lyrics written for the re-release of Do They Know it's Christmas. Dizzee Rascal, we're looking at you here.
- Crosby, Stills and Nash - This is what American's call a "supergroup" but what everyone else calls "The sound of old men jamming". And they called it that when they were young men as well.
- Brian Wilson - If Brian went a bit mad - in the same way that the sea's a bit wet - because of the pressure of trying to write an album, we dread to think what trying and failing to put an end to world poverty is going to do to him.
- Lauryn Hill - We didn't think she was still going, but as she presumably is, her inclusion on the bill isn't a huge surprise. Expect it to be heavy on the acoustic/world music noodling and light on the hits.
- Bap - Germany's favourite burger van. Will be dispensing burgers, sausages and dubious looking salads from beneath the left hand speaker stack for the duration of the gig.
- Die Toten Hosen - Yes, that's right Die Die Toten Hosen!
- Peter Maffay - We're not sure, but judging by his album covers, we reckon he's a more cheesy David Hasselhoff.
- Roxy Music - Not involving Brian Eno, though his theories regarding ambient music, chilling out, and, well, dullness and unexcitement in music will be very much evident throughout the Live 8 extravaganza.
- Green Day - By having an opinion on Bush - "he's a bit of a dummy" - Green Day are now considered political, which no doubt explains why they're on the bill as opposed to, say, Bowling for Soup or Alien Ant Farm. If you're lucky, Billie Joe might well call Bush an idiot... from the stage! Wow! How exciting. The inevitable version of Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) is guaranteed be used to soundtrack emotional footage of slums.
- Tracy Chapman - As she performs, many in the audience will begin wishing that they too had a Fast Car, one that could whisk them away from this godawful event as fast as possible.
- Chris de Burgh - As he performs, many in the audience will begin wishing that they too were on a Road to Hell, as no matter what nightmares await in the flame-ridden afterlife, it can be nothing compared to the experience of watching Chris de Burgh live. In both meanings of the word 'live'.
- Katherine Jenkins - Welsh opera type. She's not Charlotte Church, so we're not interested.
- A-ha - Will be reworking the lyrics of their classic hit Take on Me to make it more relevant for the event. Currently the new version runs "Take on poverty / Take poverty on / It won't be gone / Without you". Bob Geldof is already admitting that these words are better than the handful of new lyrics written for the re-release of Do They Know it's Christmas. Dizzee Rascal, we're looking at you here.
- Circus Maximus, Rome
- Duran Duran - Once again, is a group that represented eighties wealth and overindulgence really the best choice for an anti-poverty gig? Though given the eagerness which they've jumped onto the comeback tour bandwagon, it's probably fair to say that they may well have squandered a lot of their original pennies. Still, as long as they do The Reflex, we'll be happy.
- Faith Hill - This Kiss is a fantastic pop song. Shame everything else we've heard by her has been exactly what you'd expect from a modern female country star, i.e. sub-Shania Twain. And while we realise that there are a lot of people interested in a sub Shania Twain - mainly readers of specialist magazines - it's not something which floats our boat.
- Irene Grandi - Our gran's called Irene. We don't think that this is her though.
- Jovanotti - A rapper and not, as you might expect, the Lidl Pavarotti.
- Tim McGraw - We went to the Country Music Hall of Fame while we were in Nashville last year which, despite being dedicated entirely to Country music,is a fantastic museum and is well worth a visit. Anyway, while there we saw a film about Tim and learnt the following two things:-
- Tim is married to Faith Hill.
- Tim isn't very good, but he does wear a stetson, which seems to be an acceptable substitute for talent.
- Tim is married to Faith Hill.
- Nek - May well stick out.
- Laura Pasini - Is apparently similar to both Shakira and Celine Dion, which is surely a bit like being similar to both Chalk and Cheese.
- Vasco Rossi - Look Status Quo, you haven't been invited, and putting on an italian accent and professing an undying love for spaghetti isn't going to fool anyone.
- Zucchero - Zucchero is a variety of squash which has an elongated shape and a smooth, dark green rind. No, wait, sorry, that's Zucchini, Zucchero did that Senza Una Donna track with Paul Young and is generally called upon when certain types of artist want a bit of laid back latino cred.
- Duran Duran - Once again, is a group that represented eighties wealth and overindulgence really the best choice for an anti-poverty gig? Though given the eagerness which they've jumped onto the comeback tour bandwagon, it's probably fair to say that they may well have squandered a lot of their original pennies. Still, as long as they do The Reflex, we'll be happy.
- Murrayfield Stadium, Edinburgh
- Travis - Not content with 'entertaining' the London masses with half a dozen songs which are all variations on exactly the same uninteresting theme - comparisons with this article are not welcome, thank you - they turn up in Edinburgh for seemingly no better reason, as with many of the acts on the bill, than that they're Scottish.
- Texas - According to Popjustice.com, the new Texas material defies all expectations by actually being quite good. In the big long list of things which are unlikely to ever actually happen, this comes just above "Carrots developing sharp pointy teeth and biting back" and below "People being excited by the prospect of a Tribe of Toffs comeback". We'll be relearning the words of John Kettley is a Weatherman, just in case.
- Ronan Keating - You know, he really does say it best when he says nothing at all. The same goes for him singing. And actually doing stuff.
- Daniel Bedingfield - The masculine half of the Bedingfield family who generally acts as if he's just swallowed eight packets of space dust five minutes before turning up to do an interview. Gotta Get Thru This will become an unofficial anthem for anyone attempting to watch the live coverage in it's entirety.
- Natasha Bedingfield - Sigh. We still love the Lady Bedingfield.
- The Thrills - Surely even they now know that their previous success was nothing more than a momentary aberration which everyone is trying to pretend never happened and is hoping someone else will take responsibility for.
- Dido - Also doing both London and Edinburgh. And by 'doing' we mean 'embarrassing both herself and everyone who's watching'.
- McFly - McFly, of course, know that poverty is a bit rubbish, having experienced it first hand when they went to Africa as part of their Comic Relief single. They also know what being a bit rubbish is like, having experienced it first hand the first time they ever played together. And at every other performance since, for that matter.
- Damon Albarn - Was one of the people moaning about the lack of African artists on the bill, which did seem partly to be sour grapes due to him not actually being asked to play in the first place. This has since been rectified, and the organisers are presumably hoping that he'll keep his complaints to himself now. As he's down as a solo artist, Damon will presumably be doing stuff from his godawful solo album. That's as opposed to the godawful stuff he churned out in Blur, or the occasionally quite good stuff he does with Gorillaz, though a cartoon monkey would be a bit more entertaining.
- Embrace - Their weakness is none of your business, you know. But if you really want to know, it's the singer. And the band. And the songs.
- Snow Patrol - Nominally Scottish, by virtue of living in Glasgow for a bit - which presumably makes the Glaswegian homeless types found around Kings Cross nominally English - and again a band that are doing the London gig as well. They're so uninteresting we can't even be arsed thinking of a second joke about them.
- Wet Wet Wet - Marti Pellow feels it both in his fingers and in his toes. This isn't normally something worth singing about, but heroin addiction can lead to a loss of sensation in the extremities, so you can understand why he's quite chuffed to be able to touch things again.
- The Proclaimers - "Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba! And I would walk 500 miles! And I would walk 500 more!" - Right, you can fuck off after that.
- Jamie Cullum - Christ. We'll take on the combined debt of all the African countries, along with the crippling interest payments, just as long as it means Jamie 'Fucking' Cullum doesn't play.
- The Zutons - Abi Harding, the saxophonist - saxy-ophonist? No? Please yourself, then - still has the best legs in pop. Unfortunately, she is also in The Zutons, but then, nobody's perfect.
- Youssou N'Dour - Seems to be this year's Phil Collins, in the sense that he's planning on appearing here, Paris, London and the Eden gig, not that he's a bald twat with all the musical talent of a toothbrush.
- Annie Lennox - She doesn't even deserve one slot on the bill, let alone the two she's now somehow managed to acquire. What with DJ Sammy remaking her Why? in a dance stylee, we're beginning to fear an Annie comeback is on the way. Please, don't let it be so.
- Travis - Not content with 'entertaining' the London masses with half a dozen songs which are all variations on exactly the same uninteresting theme - comparisons with this article are not welcome, thank you - they turn up in Edinburgh for seemingly no better reason, as with many of the acts on the bill, than that they're Scottish.
