Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

10 Things We State About... 

So, for reasons which cannot be understood by anyone who actually enjoys listening to music, James Blunt is at number one for the third week running with his distressingly bad single, Beautiful. There isn't actually ten things of interest about the badly coiffuered twat, so instead here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about something almost as bad, Acoustic Guitars:-
  1. Despite almost rhyming, listening to an acoustic guitar is less enjoyable than listening to a crashing car.
  2. Guitar strings often break. This is worth remembering when attempting to garrot a particularly despised acoustic troubadour with his own instrument.
  3. The most satisfying noise an acoustic guitar can make is the "thwunk" you hear when smashing it across the guitarist's head.
  4. By putting your feet in the sound hole, acoustic guitars make great shoes.
  5. But the best thing to do with the sound hole is to block it up entirely, thus protecting the ears of all those around you.
  6. Girls! Never date an acoustic singer/songwriter. He'll only embarrass you by either a) writing a godawful love song to you while you're dating or b) write a godawful song about how miserable he is now that you've dumped him, most probably because he embarrassed you by writing a godawful love song about you.
  7. Acoustic guitars make great oversized novelty table-tennis bats, and tend to sound better afterwards as well.
  8. If you turn up at a party and there's someone in the corner, entertaining the crowd with a selection of 'classics' played upon an acoustic guitar, it's safe to say you've turned up to the wrong party.
  9. Thomas Edison 'invented' electricity because he was fed up being bored shitless with acoustic troubadours at every shindig he attended.
  10. Seriously, they're worse than bongo players.