Thursday, October 19, 2006
Madonna's Guide to Adoption
Hi! I'm Madonna, and I know exactly what you're thinking, but no, I've not got a couple of gnarled tree roots sticking out of my sleeves, those are in fact my hands! I know! Oil of Olay are so getting sued. Seven signs of aging my ass. And we really don't want to start talking about how aged that part of my body is looking, so let's move on and begin discussing the real reason why I'm here, and that's to talk to you about a subject very close to my heart: Adoption.
I've recently adpoted a child of my very own, you may have read about it in the news. He's called Damon, or David, or something like that. I forget, but I've only been his mother for a couple of days so, hey, don't judge me. Wait til you've walked a mile in my shoes, then you can comment. It's not easy trying to juggle the demands of being a publicity hungry media slave with keeping my body unpleasantly toned, and I have to tout some manky bits of red string and overpriced bottles of water in the name of religion as well! It's a wonder I have a time to give a damn about any of my kids, let alone this new one. He should just consider himself lucky that I've authorised the nanny to spend at least thirty minutes a day of quality time with him, and do a dirty diaper - or nappy as you quaint English types call them - check every two hours. This may not seem like much to you, but remember, David comes from the depths of poverty and mud from some strange and foreign country were they're so deprived that they don't even buy my records, so he's currently experiencing what is, for him, untold luxury. To provide anything else would be too much of a culture shock for him and more than anything else I want him, and my press agent, to be happy.
I'm naturally a style leader, so the minute I adpoted a child everyone instantly, and for exactly the same selfless reasons that I did it, wants to hop on the zeitgeist train which I'm driving and get one of their own. As I'm sure you're aware, adopting a child from a foreign country isn't easy - you even have to fly over there yourself! - so to help you out, I've put together this handy guide to adopting a fashion accessory of your very own. Aren't I good? Yes. Yes I am.
I've recently adpoted a child of my very own, you may have read about it in the news. He's called Damon, or David, or something like that. I forget, but I've only been his mother for a couple of days so, hey, don't judge me. Wait til you've walked a mile in my shoes, then you can comment. It's not easy trying to juggle the demands of being a publicity hungry media slave with keeping my body unpleasantly toned, and I have to tout some manky bits of red string and overpriced bottles of water in the name of religion as well! It's a wonder I have a time to give a damn about any of my kids, let alone this new one. He should just consider himself lucky that I've authorised the nanny to spend at least thirty minutes a day of quality time with him, and do a dirty diaper - or nappy as you quaint English types call them - check every two hours. This may not seem like much to you, but remember, David comes from the depths of poverty and mud from some strange and foreign country were they're so deprived that they don't even buy my records, so he's currently experiencing what is, for him, untold luxury. To provide anything else would be too much of a culture shock for him and more than anything else I want him, and my press agent, to be happy.
I'm naturally a style leader, so the minute I adpoted a child everyone instantly, and for exactly the same selfless reasons that I did it, wants to hop on the zeitgeist train which I'm driving and get one of their own. As I'm sure you're aware, adopting a child from a foreign country isn't easy - you even have to fly over there yourself! - so to help you out, I've put together this handy guide to adopting a fashion accessory of your very own. Aren't I good? Yes. Yes I am.
- A child is for life, or at least every other weekend assuming you've not got a croquet match to attend, which means that he or she is going to be a part of your life for a very long time. This is why it's very important to make sure he co-ordinates well with your home furnishings.
- Make sure you get a receipt, so that if he turns out to be broken you can either get your money back, or get an exchange for a younger model. If they don't offer this, ask if they can thrown in a large sack and some bricks, just in case.
- Remember! Laws are there for other people, not you. You have money and have been on Top of the Pops. And you've met Ali G. They should really be giving you their kids just as a thank you for having had the privilege of having been graced by your presence.
- They will likely offer you a line of kids to choose from. Picking out the one child who you plan to offer a better life is not an easy decision to make, and it's certainly not one you should rush into. If you find it too hard, suggest to the authorities that they run a televised, Pop Idol style program, where the public get to vote off the ugliest kids each week, guaranteeing you not only a cute kid, but one that the public have already taken to their hearts and, if you're really savvy, a share of the phoneline revenues.
- Choosing which country to adopt from may seem tricky, but the easiest way to decide is to remember that the poorer the country, the greater the column inches.
- If your husband directs piss-poor faux cockney gangster movies for a living, then it may be best not to draw attention to him while the adoption process is going through. No amount of fame or money will be able to convince the authorities he's fit to be a father. Or a director, for that matter.
- No matter what they say, money is an adequate substitute for love, so even though you won't be able to be there for him, as you'll have far more important things to do, such as going to film premieres, or dressing up in leotards, make sure you lavish him with expensive gifts and the very best nanny money can buy.
- Adopting a child can be a very time consuming task. Don't even think about doing it unless you're sure you can commit to the long, arduous job of doing everything that's expected of you. Those magazine interviews won't do themselves, you know. The adoption agency may also wish to do an interview with you at some point, but they're nowhere near as important so can safely be pushed to the back of the queue.
- You'll want your child to treat you with love and respect, so make sure you give the Nanny one of your CD's so he not only knows what you look like, but how talented you are as well. It's probably best not to use one of your mid period albums for this.
- Finally, remember that, throughout all of this, the child's needs are paramount. For example, the child needs media training, a stylist, a hairdresser, a personal trainer...
