Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Madonna's Guide to Adoption 

Hi! I'm Madonna, and I know exactly what you're thinking, but no, I've not got a couple of gnarled tree roots sticking out of my sleeves, those are in fact my hands! I know! Oil of Olay are so getting sued. Seven signs of aging my ass. And we really don't want to start talking about how aged that part of my body is looking, so let's move on and begin discussing the real reason why I'm here, and that's to talk to you about a subject very close to my heart: Adoption.

I've recently adpoted a child of my very own, you may have read about it in the news. He's called Damon, or David, or something like that. I forget, but I've only been his mother for a couple of days so, hey, don't judge me. Wait til you've walked a mile in my shoes, then you can comment. It's not easy trying to juggle the demands of being a publicity hungry media slave with keeping my body unpleasantly toned, and I have to tout some manky bits of red string and overpriced bottles of water in the name of religion as well! It's a wonder I have a time to give a damn about any of my kids, let alone this new one. He should just consider himself lucky that I've authorised the nanny to spend at least thirty minutes a day of quality time with him, and do a dirty diaper - or nappy as you quaint English types call them - check every two hours. This may not seem like much to you, but remember, David comes from the depths of poverty and mud from some strange and foreign country were they're so deprived that they don't even buy my records, so he's currently experiencing what is, for him, untold luxury. To provide anything else would be too much of a culture shock for him and more than anything else I want him, and my press agent, to be happy.

I'm naturally a style leader, so the minute I adpoted a child everyone instantly, and for exactly the same selfless reasons that I did it, wants to hop on the zeitgeist train which I'm driving and get one of their own. As I'm sure you're aware, adopting a child from a foreign country isn't easy - you even have to fly over there yourself! - so to help you out, I've put together this handy guide to adopting a fashion accessory of your very own. Aren't I good? Yes. Yes I am.