Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Calvin Harris' new album I Created Disco - a lie if ever we heard one. As anyone who's read his autobiography knows, it was Pete Waterman who invented Disco, along with submarines, sliced bread and the Tyrannosaurus Rex - is out this week. Our copy hasn't arrived yet, so we can't actually tell you anything about it, but we're sure it's pretty good. Acceptable in the Eighties was his first big hit and, as the proverb goes, the past is like a foreign country; you can't go there without getting the proper immunisation documents, so what was acceptable in the eighties isn't necessarily a goer now. Here, somewhat predictably, are ten examples:-
- George Michael - In the eighties George bestrode the pop world like a hairy, defiantly heterosexual collossus, tossing off pop hits with the same sort of ease that he would later toss off policemen in public toilets. Nowadays he can't even hit the barn door of public opinion with an anti-Bush record and, while he can sell out Wembley, his only recent hits have been that betwixt his car and a tree. And to think they jailed Paris while letting him walk free. Where's the justice?!
- Rubik's Cubes - All the rage back in the day, fortunately now, unlike then, people have, y'know, things to actually do, so they're not as popular as they once were.
- Legwarmers - Since the eighties people have since discovered the existence of 'tights' and so no longer need these ridiculous garments. Although they have recently forgotten the 'foot' part of said tights, something which somehow convinces the wearers that they're not actually wearing leggings. The deluded fools.
- Thatcher - Back then Thatcher was an all powerful figure, ruling the country with an iron fist whose every pronouncement could shake the very world itself. Nowadays she's just a bogeyman like creature, used to frighten children into eating their vegetables.
- Fame - Not the seeking of it, but the musical. In those days people liked nothing more than watching the dramatised antics of a bunch of self-obsessed, obnoxious, unlikeable young people whose only aim in life was to be a celebrity. Those days, thankfully, have long gone. Apropos of nothing, how much of a bitch is Charley being to Chanelle? Boo, hiss!
- Writing the Number '8' at the Start of Years - Something which is unlikely to come back into fashion until 2080 at the earliest.
- CFC's - Before we knew that we were single handedly destroying the planet, every single thing in the world contained the ozone layer destroying CFC's, aerosols, fridges, flip flops and whales, they all contained CFC's. Fortunately the Japanese and the Eskimos have dealt with the whale problem, and the others were dealt with via the government so we don't have anything to worry about now. Phew! That's not a phew of relief by the way, that's a "Phew, it's getting hot in here" phew.
- Video - In the Olden Days films came on this format and didn't come laden to the brim with directors commentaries, deleted scenes, making of documentaries and other bonus features. Given that the average DVD now takes roughly five weeks to watch in it's entirety, there are many that would say those were better days.
- Hair Metal - A mainstay of the eighties charts, it now only exists in an ironic form in Top Shop t-shirt rails. A blessing.
- Top of the Pops - Actually, they should bring this back :(