Talent in a Previous Life

Monday, May 16, 2005

Girls on Stage

While Friday the 13th may be considered unlucky for some, most notably anyone who's had the misfortune to rent it from their local branch of Blockbusters, for us it was a very special day indeed, as that evening found us in Glasgow's Armadillo watching five feisty females strut their way through a selection of modern pop classics, otherwise known as the Girls Aloud live experience. Support came from Kute, who were magnificent and we'll be writing more about them at a future date, and Cookie who are essentially GA Lite and, as such, have slightly less sugar than the real thing, but Do It Again is pretty good. We can't help but feel, however, that their Nicola, who was also a contestant on Popstars: The Rivals, spends every night of the tour at the side of the stage, watching the main event and disconsolantly thinking 'That could have been me'.

As for the main event itself - which we're still slightly disappointed was called the What Will The Neighbours Say Tour, rather than Girls Aloud: The Show, which is a far superior title - it was something very special indeed. Banners were very thin on the ground, we only spotted one, which had "We're gift wrapped kitty cats" on one side and, fabulously, "Nicola is boss" on the other. There didn't even appear to be any "Point your erection in my direction" style ones - "Pont your breasts towards my arm rests", perhaps - but the crowd were certainly up for a good night. It was a night made up of many moments, many of which could, indeed, be described as magic, and here we will do our very best to list them all as and when they happened. Incidentally, if anyone's looking for an unbiased and impartial review, they you might as well look elsewhere. Our eyes remained stage Nicola for the majority of the night and quite frankly the girls could have come on stage, told us all to fuck off before walking off singing "We've got your money, na-na-na na-na-naaaa", and we'd still be hailing it as one of the best gigs of all time. The fact that they didn't do this and instead put on a hell of a show just makes the whole thing even more fantastic.

The 'Anticipation Building' Moment - The lights dim and the screams begin, though given the youthful age of some of the audience members, this could have been less down to excitement and more due to a general fear of the dark. A black curtain hangs across the stage and the intro to The Show begins to play. As one, the audience stands, the riff repeats a few times the crowd begin, as they say, to go wild and, one nano-second before mob rule takes over and we begin tearing up the seats, the curtain drops and reveals the girls in all their glory, leading to...
The 'Nicola is Actually Centre Stage!' Moment - And she was! And remained their for the majority of the first section of the gig. Clearly they've finally realised what a talent they have in her, even letting her be the first to speak to the crowd. For the occasion she was dressed in a pair of jeans with a top that consisted of a few blue sparkly straps to cover her naughty bits. The expression here, we believe, is "Blimey!".
The 'The Show' Moment - Which is a fine way to open the gig. We had either this or Here We Go pegged as the opening song, so we were even more excited when this was followed up by...
The 'Here We Go' Moment - And technically the first cover of the night, but who cares given that it's such a fantastic song, one of the highlights of the album and it means that we get to see Nicola doing the "Take it away, boys" line. The "G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-Go!" bits were happily intact; perfectly so in fact, which naturally led to...
The 'Are They Miming?' Moment - Probably. But who cares? Certainly a few dodgy notes later on in the set revealed that there was at least some live vocals going on and, for the most part, they seemed to be doing it for real. Nicola herself seemed to be quite happy to sing along no matter what, even when it wasn't her line, just holding her mic away from her mouth and still mouthing the words. Clearly she genuinely digs the music that she's making, which is another reason why we love her.
The 'They'd Better Not Be About to do Wicked Game' Moment - After the first two tracks and the usual "How you doing (pause to check name of city) Glasgow! Are you having a good time" moment, one of the girls - we think it was Sarah, mainly because for the most part it seemed like it was only her microphone that was actually switched on - declared "Here's one for the mums and dads", which led us to be briefly concerned that they might decide to do the much maligned Wicked Game cover after all, just to 'test the waters' a bit. Fortunately our fears, like a house built on quicksand, proved to be unfounded and instead they launched into their cover of Duran Duran's Girls on Film before disappearing down the steps at the back of the stage for the first costume change of the night.
The 'Are The Band Really Playing Pink Floyd?' Moment - And they were. Giving the girls time to strip off - also giving any audience member so inclined the time to think about the girls stripping off - the band gave Girls on Film an extended outro before launching into Another Brick in the Wall (Part 2). The dancers came back on, dressed in school uniform, to mime along to the chorus, the words being projected, slightly out of synch, on the screen behind them should any audience member fancy joining in. Hang on a sec... if the dancers are in school uniform, that can mean only one thing...
The 'Schoolgirls' Moment - Not the first time they've looked to St Trinians for fashion advice, and we're sure it won't be the last, but for the second section of the show, the girls got kitted out in their regulation uniform combos. Unsurprisingly, Nadine was the only one wearing a skirt. We know because we checked. Twice. Having said that, we're not entirely convinced that there actually are any schools whose uniform policy consists of using red sparkly stripes to customise the skirts and trousers alongside barely there blouses, and, if there is, we'll certainly not be sending any daughter we may have to it, that's for sure.
The 'Shit Might Show' Moment - The somewhat non traditional uniforms may well have given it away, but while they might be keen on dressing as schoolgirls, good schoolgirls they most certainly are not. Something which they happily proved by singing the proper lyrics to No Good Advice, i.e. "Shut your mouth because your shit might show". This may have come as a surprise to some of the parents their with their offspring, certainly we don't remember our tickets coming with a "Parental Advisory: Slightly Sweary" warning.
The 'My Sharona' Moment - Briefly appearing in No Good Advice was the full riff to The Knack's classic hit. Nice.
The 'We So Want his Job' Moment - This recurred at various points throughout the evening, generally when one of the 'Boys Aloud' dancers was dancing with Nicola.
The 'N-n-n-n-n-n-n' Moment - Or graffiti My Soul as it's otherwise known, which was fab. We still don't n-n-n-n-n-n-know why this wasn't a single.
The 'Awww, no Motorcycles' Moment - But we're sure that when they move up a level and do their first arena tour, they'll come roaring on to the stage to do Wake Me Up riding 5 gleaming motorcycles with little regard for their own and, indeed, the audience's safety.
The 'Teenage Dirtbag' Moment - Teenage Dirtbag is not a good song. Normally when it's performed, we will comment to whoever might be around us, normally in quite explicit terms, about just how bad a song it is, which can cause problems when we're sitting on the bus, listening to the radio through headphones. It should, then, give some idea as to exactly how partisan and blinkered this review is, when we say that the Girls Aloud version was really rather ace. It pretty much comes down to one thing, and that is the fact that Nicola was cast in the titular role, with the other girls' lines acting as her inner thoughts and fears. We would very much like to shake the hand of whoever came up with the idea, not just because it meant that she got to sing the entire first verse, but because the lyrics suited her to a tee, even though we're not particularly enamoured with the prospect of her being an Iron Maiden fan, even if it's only as a lyrical conceit. Also, she got to do some 'acting' for the climactic 'prom night' verse, and only the coldest heart would have failed to be touched by the smile that broke on her face when the boy of her dreams asked her to dance and offered to take her to see Iron Maiden. Altogether now, Awwww. Though for future reference, the correct response when offered Iron Maiden tickets is to run to the hills. Arf.
The 'Unflattering Dresses' Moment - And when a girl band gets togged up in their best frocks it can only mean one thing: ballad hell. While in the last section, when they were feeling like they were back in school, they may have wanted to break the rules, here rocking the boat and, indeed, any sort of rocking whatsoever, was very much out of favour. Fortunately it only lasted three songs - Life Got Cold, Deadlines and Diets and I'll Stand By You - and we do think that Deadlines and Diets is rather ace and lovely, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Also, the advantage of grouping all the ballads together means that anyone who isn't interested in the girls showing off their harmonising abilities knows that they have a good ten minutes at the bar to get a drink in with out missing the good stuff.
The 'Awww! They're Waving Back' Moment - Something else which occurred regularly throughout the gig, occasionally one of the girls would notice someone in the audience waving at them so they'd wave back, which was quite sweet. On noticing this, we attempted to transmit our phone number to them via the medium of mime. So far this doesn't seem to have been a success, but we did apparently offer odds of 10-1 on Running Backwards in the 4.30 at Chepstow.
The 'Fuck Me! Nicola's in Gold Hotpants and Thigh High Boots' Moment - And she was! If "Blimey!" was the word for the first outfit, then this one, quite frankly, left us speechless.
The 'Love Machine' Moment - Of course, the fact that their final costumes was a more 'rock' look, means that the Love Machine dresses seem to have finally been put to the back of a closet, presumably because they've been redyed into so many different colours in a bid to add variety that they're beginning to fall apart.
The 'Salsa' Moment - Otherwise known as them doing a slightly slowed down intro to Real Life, before launching into the proper version of the track, giving it, as they say, laldy.
The 'Hang on, Are They Doing Girls Allowed?' Moment - And, quite fantastically, they were. Given that, other than the singles, the first album was pretty much ignored in the setlist, it was nice to see this get a rendition, even if it's hard to truly love it, what with it being written by Brian McFadden.
The 'Disco Dance Contest' Moment - Girls Allowed then segued into a cover of Chic's Le Freak, which is probably the closest we'll ever get to seeing them do You Freak Me Out live, i.e. nowhere near. It was only Nadine and Sarah who took on the vocals for this though, the other three girls instead took part in a disco dancing competition with their respective partners. Cheryl was declared the winner of this, though this was less down to her having any sort of superior dancing skills and more because she was the last one to strut her stuff in the centre of the stage. She was still quite proud of having won this clearly fixed competition, and made sure that we all knew that she was the disco dance diva. Our demands for a judges enquiry sadly went unheeded.
The 'Are They Going to Do Some Kind of Miracle' Moment - No, as it turned out, which seemed like a missed opportunity, particularly as the projection for this section featured heavy use of a glitterball, which the girls would have quite literally been underneath. Still, we could be here all day if we were to start listing all the songs they could have done but didn't. Although given that they've only released 2 albums and a handful of B-sides, we'd probably need to speak really slowly to stretch the list out much beyond 5 minutes.
The 'We Wanna See Everyone Jumping' Moment - And that was their desire, to Jump unsurprisingly enough. But while they had plenty of room on stage to jump around to their heart's, or at the very least their choreographer's heart's, content, the space inbetween seats was somewhat limited and jumping around with gay abandon was not really an option. Instead we vaguely waved our arms around to a rhythm of our own creation, much as we did for the entire night and, indeed, pretty much any time we try to dance.
The 'Ah, good! They're Not Introducing the Band' Moment - Always a low point in any gig, Girls Aloud realised that no-one actually gives a damn about who's playing maraccas, so simply asked us to applaud them as a band, rather than naming them all one by one and asking us to clap for them in a tired and insincere display of affection.
The ''End'' Moment - After Jump they left the stage, saying their farewells and making out like it was the end of show. Of course, given that a) They hadn't played Sound of the Underground yet, b) The houselights hadn't gone up and c) a roadie type was walking along the front of the darkened stage setting up mic stands, only a fool would actually believe it was the proper end of the show, though given that a few people upped and took their leave at this point, it's fair to say that there were some fools in attendance. The audience did its duty in these situations, cheering with a mix of genuine appreciation and the jaded edge caused by doing what was expected of us until, surprise, surprise, the band came back on stage, a surf guitar line started up and 5 girls came back on stage to take their positions and do what needed to be done.
The 'Sound of the Sound of the Underground' Moment - And so, like all good things, bus routes, and pieces of string, the evening had to come to an end, and what an ending it was, what with Sound of the Underground still being their finest moment. The girls shimmied their way through the routine, gave it everything they had and generally proved to any doubters exactly how much star quality they possessed. There was no costume change for this, but given that what they wore for the video weren't exactly the best outfits they've dressed up in, that was probably for the best, and anyway, we weren't about to complain about the chance to see Nicola in her hotpants for another 3 minutes.
The 'Actual End' Moment - Unfortunately this time after the girls had said their goodbyes, the houselights did go up and a smiling, happy audience started filing out of the auditorium to go home and dream happy dreams filled with Girls Aloud goodness, many of which would not be suitable for publication on a family website. As gigs go, it was fantastic, as Girls Aloud gigs go, it could have been a bit better, mainly by acknowledging the existence of the first album more, and perhaps including a section where the girls flew over our heads, suspended from wires, an integral part of any pop show we feel, but even so, the gig could not in any way be described as disappointing, not unless you're the world's most rabid One True Voice fan who still feels cheated by their success. And if you are a One True Voice fan, you're quite clearly mad and, as such, your opinion can safely be discounted.

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