Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Monday, September 25, 2006

Music Week 

It's Monday! And today social irritant and general annoyance Lily Allen releases her new single LDN, a song which, like the rest of her album, is being hailed as the sound of the summer. Which is probably fair enough if your only experience of summer is that of miserable, grey rain soaked weekends spent avoiding syringes and used condoms on one of our fair country's less palatable beaches, but we digress. Lily has a busy week ahead of her, so let's take a look at what the next seven days have in store for her.

With a busy week of promotion ahead of her, Lily naturally wants to look her best. This not only includes looking out her nicest frock and pulling back her hair in the tightest ponytail imaginable, but also making sure her overly large forehead is scrubbed impressively clean for the occasion. Unfortunately the surface area is so vast that no washcloth could ever hope to cover it without becoming a frayed and ragged mess long before the task is even close to being completed, so Lily will today be traveling to Houston, Texas to visit the Kennedy Space centre, where her forehead will be polished to within an inch of its life using the same equipment that was used to keep the mirror for the Hubble telescope in check. Despite a valiant effort, it will still give up the ghost with only 63% of the job completed.

Much of today will be spent flying back after yesterday's mammoth cleaning operation. TO accommodate her oversized cranium, Lily will be traveling in a specially converted plane which, like the Popemobile, features a specially raised section to allow her to fly in complete comfort, albeit raising the prospect that someone may see the craft coming in to land and panic at the thought of a Mekon invasion. While traveling Lily will take the time to consider some of the advertising opportunities her agent has gathered for her. Top of the pile is the Tefal corporation.

To help promote new single LDN, a song about London, Lily will be performing at an MCR gig this evening. She will spend much of this afternoon on the phone to her booking agent, trying to ascertain whether she's playing in Manchester or supporting My Chemical Romance.

As Lily's fame and success comes entirely from the result of building up a fanbase through the internet and has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that her dad is Keith Allen and nepotism goes a long way in this business, Lily always makes sure she takes time out of her busy schedule to blog her important thoughts and opinions on her MySpace site, which generally consist of her slagging off those more successful and popular than herself. Clearly anyone who has nothing better to do with their time than churn out paragraph after paragraph of bile, aimed at those who clearly have done a bit better in life than themselves, is a sad individual in need of a life. Ahem.

Being the sort of young gal about town who would probably get an ASBO if it wasn't for the fact she's a bit well off, Friday night is party night as far as Lily's concerned. To this end, she'll be out and about stopping off at all the A-List parties. She has to stop off at them all as she gets refused entry to every single one, and she ends up having to join the queue of some skanky nightclub with the rest of the ordinary punters, the rain flattening her hair and ruining the shape of her dress. This makes us feel bad for a while, but then we smile. Yeah, we smile.