Thursday, February 26, 2004
Top of the Popstars // Part 2
Well, The bottom half of the list of the Top 50 Popstars of all time wasn't exactly an awe-inspiring list of all that's good in music, was it? Never mind though, the top of half of the list must be something special if all the crap has already been dealt with, surely? You'd think so, wouldn't you...
- 25 // Boyzone // We own an album by a band called Oi-Zone. As the name suggests it consists of covers of Boyzone (and other pop bands) songs done in a noisy, messy 'Oi' stylee. At first it's really excellent, but over the course of an entire album, the novelty quickly pales and it becomes dull, samey and very boring. This is a good metaphor for the real Boyzone's career. Apart from the "excellent start" part, obviously.
- 24 // Blondie // Obviously given then main obsession of this site, we'd much prefer a band called "Ginger", but Blondie were rather ace and fully deserving of their place in this list, even if they are currently working on a "1 good song per album" template.
- 23 // Olivia Newton-John // She had a hit with Physical . Well, the second syllable just about describes how it makes us feel.
- 22 // Slade // The proud sons of Brum-land. Slade proved that being ugly and wearing ridiculous hats was no bar to pop success - advice which Craig David has clearly taken to heart.
- 21 // Boney M // The best thing about Boney M, apart from the "Sugar in a plum, plum-plum", bit, was the fact that the bloke, who's name is unimportant, didn't sing on the records. They were also number one on the day we were born, so we'll always have a soft spot for them.
- 20 // Status Quo // What can be said about Status Quo that hasn't been said before? Perhaps "What on earth is this song on the radio? It sounds like nothing I've ever heard before.". We are quite impressed by the denim clad straggly haired rockers, though. In particular we're impressed by the fact that they always manage to start and end playing the same tune, despite the ease in which it woudl be possible to get confused half way through.
- 19 // George Michael // The worlds favourite willy waggler comes in, for want of a better phrase, at number 19. As a solo artist George has, of course, only released one good song, Freedom!, which, equally obviously is 90% less good than the similarly monikered Wham! song. This clearly proves that Andrew Ridgely was the brains of the partnership and needs to make a pop comeback as soon as possible. Preferably with his Banarama missus.
- 18 // The Bee Gees // Ah, the irony, their position in this chart isn't as high as their vocal range.
- 17 // Whitney Houston She will always love us, apparantly. Shame that the feeling isn't reciprocated really, though I Wanna Dance With Somebody is really rather ace.
- 16 // Shakin' Stevens // The Welsh Elvis. If you thought Elvis was a slightly odd looking man with a strange unalluring knee-based dance. We still think it'd be funny if Mr Stevens was to suffer from Parkinson's later in life. He's certainly got more chance of that than actually getting interviewed by the man.
- 15 // The Spice Girls // Five feisty fabulous females, a quintet of quintessential quality. The Spice Girls were popstars as popstars should be. They sparkled, they talked nonsense, they danced, they mimed, but most of all they mimed to some of the finest pop songs ever written. They even managed to make the pop ballad sound good. Alas, everything got screwed up when Ginger decided to leave. The other girls then descended into a mature R&B influenced mess, but for a few years the world was theirs and we all gladly signed up to be Spice Cadets.
- 14 // Stevie Wonder // We never saw this one coming, but then, neither did he.
- 13 // Kylie Minogue // Our opinion on Kylie was that she peaked when she did Confide in Me and Some Kind of Bliss, i.e. the time when she was least successful, which doesn't say a great deal for ability to spot solid gold hits. Particularly as we don't really rate the current 'dance' Kylie image and thought Can't Get You Out of My Head was rubbish. Oh, and we don't find her attractive either. We think she should go back to Pete Waterman, now that would be ace.
- 12 // The Rolling Stones // Rubbish. One good song - Ruby Tuesday - and it's best moment was being used in a Carter the Unstoppable Sex machine song.
- 11 // Rod Stewart // Rod is the pop star it's OK for laddish types to like, as he is a lad himself. He likes birds, boozing and footie, and makes sure everyone knows about it. As a result of this, he is entirely rubbish as a popstar, so what's the point? other than someone for boozed up lager louts to shout along with at rubbish gigs in rugby stadiums.
- 10 // David Bowie // The chameleon of pop, so called due to his ability to flick out his tongue to catch flies and roll his eyes around.
- 9 // Paul McCartney // Just imagine how ace it would be if, when he headlines Glastonbury, Mr McCartney comes on stage, steps up to the microphone and opens his set by singing "Bum-bum-bum", not in an ode to anal sex, but the opening of The Frog Chorus, easily his finest moment. Alas, we'd put good money on this not happening though.
- 8 // ABBA // We're not quite sure where we stand on ABBA, for a long time we disliked them, partly because of Dancing Queen, which we detested, but mainly it's down to Erasure's absolutely dire ABBA-esque EP, which made us think that all ABBA songs must be rubbish. Since then, we've realised that the guitar part which comes into the second chorus of Mama Mia is really rather fab. Also, if Steps, B*Witched, Billie, Cleopatra and, ummm, Tina Cousins, want to thank ABBA for the music, then they must have something going for them.
- 7 // Queen // And from Dancing Queen we come to an actual dancing queen, Mr Freddie Mercury and his backing band. Queen are, obviously, the band The Darkness hope to become, though at the rate they're going, they'll be lucky if they end up being compared favourably with The Grumbleweeds.
- 6 // Michael Jackson // May soon be collaborating with Jonathon King
- 5 // Elton John // Elton has done some good stuff in his time, but this can all be ignored when we consider the fact that he is responsible for Candle in the Wind '97. Anything decent he's ever done is overshadowed by this travesty of music in much the same way that a rubbish tip overshadows a nearby beauty spot.
- 4 // Madonna // What can be said about Madonna that hasn't been said before? "Have you read her new children's book? It's excellent", perhaps, or "Isn't she an excellent actress?". No matter, we reckon Madonna has done two good songs in her career and we doubt she's got any more left in there, no matter how much she might try and squeeze it out. Anyone that thinks marrying Guy Richie is a good idea is clearly not the best judge of quality.
- 3 // Elvis Presley // We're not a huge fan of Elvis's music, if the truth be told, but we are a big fan of him as a popstar, indeed, we're going to be visiting Gracelands later this year because of this. Elvis had charisma, he had style, he had grace, and much like Rita Hayworth, he gave good face. There's not much that can be said about him that isn't known by him that isn't known by anyone with even a vague interest in pop culture, so we won't bother.
- 2 // The Beatles // The Beatles are overrated. They're a band, much like Robbie, bought by people who don't actually like music, but who like to think that they do. The people who base their music purchases on TV advertisement campaigns. The people who think that somelike Jamie Cullum is breaking new ground. The people who think that music is only worth something if written by the people performing it. The people, in short, who were responsible for Toploader's brief brush with success. Don't let it continue. Break the cycle. The Beatles' albums do not amount to much these days, and the sooner people realise this, the better.
- 1 // Cliff Richard // Oh, for fucks sake
