Friday, November 28, 2003
Thursday, November 20, 2003
First up, Michael Jackson, not going to say much about this as we don't want to be on the wrong end of a lawsuit, but we can only hope his defence involves him claiming that the boy is not his lover; just a boy who thinks that he is the one. Certainly the fact that the kid is not his son will go in his favour.
Secondly, we used to really like Amy Studt, and she was pencilled in for a future appearance in the 117 Acest Things... Ever!, mainly thanks to the way she says "arse" in Misfit. However, while things like that add a lot of weight to the fabness side of her personality, recent events have nailed the rubbish side of her personality to the floor and no amount of enunciation can help lift it up. We are, of course, talking about the news that her new single is going to be a cover of All I Wanna Do by Sheryl Crow. lets just pause for a moment and let that piece of information sink in... she's covering a Sheryl Crow song. This does not make us happy and it is that bad. The only way this could be a good idea would be if it was recorded using a different beat, bass line, guitar part, melody and lyrics. Oh, and it was called something else as well. Let's face it, even Sheryl Crow hasn't released a Sheryl Crow song as her latest single, that's how rubbish she is.
Oh, and we're beginning to really like the new Will Young single. This makes us feel all wrong inside.
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
Dear Spleenie (since everyone in Oz gets a nickname)...Can you tell me where Rabbit put the keys, girl? And why does the man with golden gun think he knows so much? Tori Amos couldn't work it out and neither can I!
Your rabbit ate your keys, beliving them to be a new type of metallic based carrot. Rabbits are not very bright, though your lettuce shaped key-ring probably had a major part in it's confusion. You may wish to inspect it's droppings to see if it has excreted it, though I wouldn't bother unless you'd heard it screaming in pain as it tried to excrete something sharp and pointy through something small and narrow.
As for, the man with the golden gun, anyone that carries around a gun made of gold, a notoriously bad material for firearms and other explosive devices, clearly knows very little, so anything he claims to know is clearly nonsense to a similar degree as saying "Wow, Britney is really pushing back musical boundaries on her new album".
Thanks Spleen! We've just got time for one more:-
Dear TiaPL Spleen,
Who let the dogs out......?
That's all from the Spleen for this week, as he has to return to doing important internal organ based work. He'll be back next week though with more of his answers to your pop questions. If you have a question for the Spleen then e-mail it to us at email@example.com or leave it in the comment box below. Please note that we do not reccommend removing your own spleen. Surgery of this kind is extremely dangerous and should only carried out by trained professionals or those in possession of a sharp knife.
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
Set in a small town that just happened to be the centre of weirdness for the country, it's hero was a 13 year old paperboy called Marshall out to expose this to the world. This was marketed as a kids comedy series, but it was so much more than that. It was incredibly well written and with a sense of invention and humour that is lacking in most 'adult' programmes, we say, without any overexaggeration or hyperbole, that this is the greatest TV series of all time (Please note that TiaPL is prone to both overexaggeration and hyperbole, as we've told you a million times in the past.) And while we're sure you're agreeing with us about just how fab it was, we want you to forget such classic episodes as the one where the kid got a massive brace and could hear what dogs were saying, he capitalist satire of the one where the whole town turns into shopping zombies, singing the World of Stuff jingle over and over again and the surreal brilliance of the one with the twins being kept in tuppeware boxes. The one we want to focus on is an episode entitled Reality Takes a Holiday.
In this episode Marshall wakes up to find a script in his mailbox. This script is for an episode of a TV series called Eerie, Indiana. The episode is called Reality Takes a Holiday and is about the character of Marshall finding a script in his mailbox for an episode of a TV series called Eerie, Indiana... etc, etc. This whole concept is clearly one of the most fantastic ideas ever and the execution was flawless, everyone else, other than Marshall, was happily aware it's a TV show and played themselves, rather than the characters. Marshall was naturally confused by this, particularly as everyone called him Omri, and his best mate Simon, was now an obnoxious twat of a child actor. Although quite why this was confusing I'm not sure as Simon was an obnoxious twat in the show as well. As half hours of television go, this was as perfect as Nicola herself, and has yet to be bettered by anything, except possibly the episode of Sooty and Sweep where Sweep dreamt he was on Stars in their Eyes and did Pavarotti.
So, for that, and for the episode where the guys brain gets replaced by My Sharona, Eerie, Indiana gets awarded the coveted position of The Third Acest Thing in the World... Ever!.
Sunday, November 16, 2003
It is an extremly lovely and beautiful collection of songs, highlights include a cover of Born in the USA, Kiss Me, Hold Me and Eat Me - a song about two cannibals in love and Stronger Hearts Than Mine Lie Empty which would be the best thing on the album, but is unfortunately far too short. The actual best thing on the album therefore is I Gave Up My Eyes to a Man Who Was Blind, which can be likened to Wham!'s Last Christmas, if Last Christmas wasn't a) a Christmas song, and b) irredeemably shit.
So, rush out and buy it! We can think of no better use for that thirteen quid sitting in your pocket. Unless you were planning on donating it to charity, which probably is a better use of your money than buying a CD, but then, if you're the sort of person who thinks nothing of donating thirteen quid to charity then you've probably got more money than you know what to do with so you might as well spend some of that excess on this.
Friday, November 14, 2003
- If we wanted to listen to a piss-poor Nelly knock off, we wouldn't listen to Blazin' Squad, we'd be extremely worried about what had happened to our musical tastes.
- Not only is Matt Goss still alive, he also has a stupid hat.
- Robbie Williams is still a smug, punchable twat. He also turned in one of the worst vocal performances since B*Witched thought it might be a good idea to perform live. Oh, and singing one of your bigger hits at the end of the song is not likely to make it sell any more records Mr JustScrapedInToTheTopTen
- The new Pet Shop Boys single isn't actually that good, is it? it also reminded us why we hate vocoders.
- While Hey Ya by Outkast is quite possibly the finest single released this year, Andre has the fashion sense of a blind Tory Farmer, and we can only hope that the look doesn't catch on.
- Thanks to Lost Prophets, we've now discovered the hitherto unknown influence of 'soulful' (i.e. dull) popster Seal and rubbish shouty nu-metal music. He must be so proud. We look forward to the new Hundred Reasons single referencing Kiss From a Rose. (Crazy has, alas, already been claimed by the Blazin' Squad
- The new Black Eyed Peas single is actually rather good, isn't it?
- Kylie Minogue has made friends with some sexy Jedis.
Thursday, November 13, 2003
For a start, you get to turn into a bat, which is obviously going to be a bonus, after all, we've certainly been in many situations where we've thought "Oh, if only I could turn into the only flying mammal, that'd get all these problems sorted out", it would also be a great ice-breaker at parties, and would certainly be an interesting response to the rather dull "So, what do you do?" question. Parties would also become a major part of your life, seeing as nightlife would be all you'd be able to cope with, what with, the admittedly slightly awkward, 'daylight turning you to dust thing'. Though this wouldn't be a major issue, providing you had a friend prepared to follow you around with a dust-buster and didn't mind supplying some blood to reanimate you every so often.
OK, OK, you'd need to avoid French food, your hobby of visiting Churches would need to be curtailed, biting your lip would be a health-hazard, rather than a mild irritant, and yes, drinking blood would feature heavily in your dietary plans, but stop being so negative! You'd get to sleep in a coffin, wear a red-lined cape without being laughed at. Isn't that what we all dream of at night? Well, that and gigantic strawberries with mouths and sharp pointy teeth running after us trying to eat us.
So there we go, Vampires, the Second Most Ace Thing In The World... Ever!
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
Dear TiaPL Spleen,
I was wondering if you could help me with this question.
Why does it always rain on me?
Well, this is quite obvious really, especially if you're a spleen of immense brain, like what I am, except that I don't actually have a brain, being a completely different organ, but this is all besides the point. Don't distract me. Shut up and stop staring!
Ahem. The reason it always rains on you is because you're a singer songwriter who has made a not inconsiderable fortune by performing dull as ditchwater songs of vaguely sad and miserable melody with lyrics that can only honestly be described as banal. Unfortunately, now that you're quite well off you find it hard to tap in to the well of slight depression that had made your name. To put it simply, you're feeling rather chipper.
This is a problem though, as the record buying public doesn't want to buy your records when you tell them how great and sunny the world is. Indeed, the record company flatly turned you down when you suggested a concept album entitled "I've Got Loads of Money (And You've Not, Ha, Ha, Ha)". This wasn't originally a problem, as you were still rather well off. Alas though, you spunked most of your money on a gigantic swimming pool in the shape of a dodecahedron, with a mosaic on the bottom based on a Little House on the Prairie cast photo. You need more cash, but you're still comfortable enough to not feel in any way downbeat. How to solve this problem? With the clarity that only comes because all your other mental processes are still pondering whether it would have been better to have had the mosaic done using The Waltons instead, you decide to employ a gentleman to walk behind you everywhere you go, carrying a watering can which he pours over you every time the merest hint of a smile passes across your face. With your exisitence now made soggy, you can return to your career of fleecing the British public with half-hearted musings on why life can sometimes be a bit shit.
Or maybe you told an untruth as a teenager. But that's hardly very likely, is it?
Thank you Spleen! His time is up now as he has to be returned into the body cavity so he can get on with doing essential spleen based work. Don't worry if your question hasn't been answered yet, as The Spleen is very busy keeping us alive
Monday, November 10, 2003
- Neo finds himself confronted by the horror of the Blue Screen of Death
- In a Freaky Friday/ Vice Versa homage, Neo and Morpheus swap bodies and hilarity ensues.
- At any sign of trouble, Neo jumps into Trinity's arms, starts whimpering like a little girl and asking her to "Make the bad men go away".
- At the very end Porky Pig bursts through the screen and informs us that "Th-th-th-that's All Folks!"
- At least one scene set in an Italian restaurant.
- Josie and the Pussycats appear and perform an impromptu set.
- When Morpheus starts spouting his pseudo-philosophical claptrap, one of the characters sighs, rolls his eyes and says "Tsk, pissed again"
- To save money, one of the fight scenes is actually footage from TV's Robot Wars leading to the audience becoming confused as to exactly why Craig Charles has a cameo.
- The entire film is simply Morpheus, Trinity and Neo staring at the audience with a look of disgust on their faces.
- The role of Trinity is played by a Alex Parks from Fame Academy.
- To counteract the 'Bullet time' scenes, at least two scenes are carried out in a speeded up Benny Hill stylee. With appropriate music.
- Alex Winters turns up in a time-travelling phone booth.
- Neo's dad turns out to be Darth Vader.
- Neo turns into a badger
If any of these are in the film then please let us know and we'll hotfoot it down to our local multiplex faster than an athlete on an as yet untestable steroid.
Sunday, November 09, 2003
Anyway, over the next however many months we'll be presenting to you a list of everything that is ace in the world, and we'll be doing this until we either a) reach 117 things, b) Get threatened with legal action by CFB Goes Pop, or, and much more likely, c) Get bored with it and so something else. Until then though, we promise that this list will be diligently researched and we won't be awarding aceness on a whim, or merely because we fancy the person involved. Definitely. So, without further ado, lets introduce the acest thing in the world... Ever!
And it should come as no surprise to anyone with at least rudimentary intelligence that the acest thing in the world is Nicola Roberts from Girls Aloud. Reasons why she is ace are many, first of all, look at the picture, she is clearly the most beautiful girl in the world. Her hair, her eyes, her skin, her sulky expression, they all add up to a vision of loveliness which it's hard to believe is actually real. But it's not only her beauty that makes her ace, while we can sometimes make puddles look deep, we're not quite that shallow. It's her attitude, her feud with one of Busted, the wearing of a skirt that had "I'm a rude ginger bitch... Botherd" written on the back of it as a result of this. Her shouty fabness in interviews :- "Imagine if a big MONSTER came and pulled you and CHOPPED YOUR HEAD OFF! Then PULLED YOUR BONES OUT! I hate fish. They're disgusting". The fact she hates fish, which are disgusting. Her shyness. The way she sings "No way Ou-ou-out" in White Lies. The fact that despite the way she always get sidelines in their music videos, she always manages to be the highlight. The way she looks bored and grumpy when doing rubbish TV interviews, instead of being all fake and smiley like the girls from Atomic Kitten would... the list goes on and on, so please, join us in celebrating her magnificence so that eventually the powers that be will realise her aceness as well stop her being pushed out to the side in every photo shoot and let her get her fair share of screen time in their videos and TV appearances. If you won't do it for us, then do it for pop, as Girls Aloud need Nicola just as much as pop music needs Girls Aloud. If she didn't exist, we'd have to invent her.
- TV Listings are there for a reason
Saturday, November 08, 2003
You know, sometimes it would be nice not to be right all the time, but as we predicted, we backed Kim and she has now been voted out of the Pop Idol contest for reasons best known to the mysterious world of the minds of the Great British public. We are rather disappointed by this as she was incredibly ace and was one of the few people in the show who actually looked like she was enjoying herself on stage. Grr for your bad voting abilities. Grr!
Anyway, as a result of her premature exit, we have decided to transfer the black curse of being our favourite on to Susanne, which, once again, we apologise for. Susanne, too, is rather fab, even if the Judges are constantly, and extremely patronisingly, describing her as quirky. Quirky presumably being their word for someone who actually has a personality. She's got a great voice, is extremely beautiful and actually looks like someone who would stand out amongst the blandness which seems to be a pre-requisite for being a solo pop star these days. Unfortunately, however, our backing has now doomed her to failure and a lifetime of singing in dodgy pubs and clubs, looking back on what might have been while cursing our name under her breath. A massive disappaointment, not only for her, but for us as well. So, please, do us a favour. We really, really want to be wrong about this, Susanne is the only one left out of the finalists who posseses any sort of spark. Pop needs her to win. And besides, the novelty of us being wrong would be an interesting experience as well.
Thursday, November 06, 2003
As Talent in a Previous Life is not only one of the internet's premier music related sites, but is also based in Edinburgh, it will come as no surprise to our readership to learn that we will be out and about up town tonight. Now, will we be sitting centre stage to watch a succession of pop acts perform their hits with extravagant dance routines and fab lighting effects? Will we be in a position to see the Christina Aguilera/Shirley Manson snog up close, and if there is any sort of justice in the world, this will happen? Will we be enjoying the novelty of watching some of the worlds biggest celebrities performing in a giant tent in a rather rough and rubbish part of Edinburgh? Will we be hanging around back-stage, exchanging bon-mots with the cream of the music industry? Will we buggery! Instead we're off out to see The Electric Soft Parade at the Liquid Rooms. The bloody Electric Soft Parade! *sighs* We're currently desperately telling ourselves that watching moody indie boys with guitars is a far more enjoyable way to spend an evening than watching booty shaking pop princesses. For some reason, we're having a hard time convincing ourselves of this.
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
Now, at TiaPL we recognise blatant space filling when we see it, and we're never ones to turn down the chance to fill 200 words without doing very much effort, which is why from next week we're launching our own
If you have any questions for the Spleen then leave them either in the comment box below, or you can send them to firstname.lastname@example.org. And we hope you do, otherwise this feature will be dieing a very undignified death.
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Please ignore the rubbishness of this picture, but this is Kim, and we've decided that we are going to be backing her all the way in this year's Pop Idol contest. Unfortunately for Kim though, 'all the way' is likely to mean 'up until Saturday' as TiaPL doesn't have a particularly high success rate in those that we back. This is proven not only by the chart failure of Siobhan Donaghy but by the fact none of our favourites from PI's Final Fifty got anywhere near pole position in their heats, let alone the Final Ten. So, sorry Kim, but we do think you're ace and we sincerely apologise for giving you this kiss of death.