Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Live Earth, Al Gore's last ditch attempt to meet some pop stars and, as a bit of an afterthought, possibly save the world while he's about it, kicks off on July 7th and it's an event whose complete pointlessness is likely to be in direct contrast to the media coverage afforded to it, much of which will focus on the 'stellar' nature of the line up and, mainly because they don't want to jeopardise their chances of free tickets, a lot less to say about the environmental impact of seven mega-gigs taking place with artists travelling via airplane from all over the world with an expected audience of 2 billion (although this seems less an estimation and more a number plucked out of thin air) enjoying the concerts via television, radio or the internet, even though this is likely to make a more significant impact on the polar ice-caps than us occasionally leaving our phone charger plugged in. Still, we're sure they'll half-heartedly plant a few trees somewhere so as to
desperately assuage their guilt at being single handedly responsible for making Pingu homeless offset the carbon costs of the event. Still, just like proper music journalists who know what they're talking about, we're equally lazy and happy to have features spoon fed to us, so here is the first of many - seriously it's going to be worse than our Live 8 coverage - pieces looking at the Live Earth line up. First up, the UK's concert in London:-
- Beastie Boys - Because it's a special occasion the Boys will be bringing out a former feature of their early live shows, which was swiftly put to the back of the touring closet once they became all grown-up and Buddhisty and basically eventually came to the same conclusion which struck the rest of the world pretty much the instant they first leapt about on stage, fighting for their right to party. Namely: Dancing in front of a giant inflatable penis makes you look a bit stupid. The penis will be returning with an environmental message, slowly deflating as their set goes on to represent the melting ice-caps. And to let the world know that erectile dysfunction is a bit of a bugger.
- Black Eyed Peas - Still, presumably, searching for 'The Love'. They should probably check under 'L' in their local record shop. They're bound to have a copy of Forever Changes at the very least.
- Bloc Party - Lead singer Kele Okereke is famed for his fun loving, chatty personality, so you'll be lucky if the band manage to play any songs while Kele cracks jokes, tells stories and possibly even does his elephant impression, which will surely delight the crowd.
- Corinne Bailey Rae - In the video for Put Your Records On Corrinne demonstrated her environmental credentials - ooh, we're a poet and we're not even aware of the fact - by riding around on a bicycle. She does this in real life as well, and, like in the video, often finds herself being followed around by a crowd of other bike riders, all furiously ringing their bells in a desperate bid to drown out her ridiculously bland type of music.
- Damien Rice - Damien might be doing this gig but he's not actually that fussed about global warming. He reckons he'll be alright if the floodwaters rise as he "Floats like a cannonball". Members of his inside circle are at pains to stop him finding out that what the actual buoyancy properties of a cannonball are, lest they not have the pleasure of watching him drown, the experience of drowning being roughly akin to attending one of his concerts.
- David Gray - David won't be singing, instead he'll be working at one of the burger stalls, using his unique talents to try and drum up some business. "If you want it, come and get it!", he'll call. While everyone walking past will be heard to mutter, "For crying out loud".
- Duran Duran - Duran Duran took their name from a character in Barbarella, a movie set in the future. If this concert isn't a success then perhaps using a character name from Waterworld would have been a bit more prescient. Even more so as the movie Waterworld wasn't even an overpriced glint in Kevin Costner's eye at the time they were choosing their name.
- Foo Fighters - Dave Grohl will be dressing up as Mother Earth. Not for any sort of 'awareness raising' kind of reasons. Just because he can never pass up the chance to dress up in women's clothes.
- Genesis - A lot of people are getting very excited about the Genesis reunion. And by "A lot of people are", we mean "Your Dad is".
- James Blunt - James has, of course, done his bit to stop the population at large wasting electricity by encouraging millions all over the world to switch their radios off, simply by having his songs played on the radio. Well done James!
- John Legend - Youuuuuuu Seee! The Truh-Buh-lllll With Mey-ah! Ah, sorry, different Legend. Never mind.
- Keane - Having dealt with his port addiction by going to rehab with a sort of indifferent shrug, Tom Chaplin and the rest of Keane are now back, and the general public are more than ready to meet them with a similarly indifferent shrug.
- Madonna - Whether we like it or not, she's so going to be doing Drowned World (Substitute for Love). And we don't. We really, really don't.
- Paolo Nutini - Gig-goers recently complained that Paolo Nutini recently performed a gig while drunk, leading to an awkward, confused, rambling and tuneless performance which had many of them leaving early and regretting buying tickets. This is pretty much what we imagine an average Paolo Nutini gig to be like so we're not quite sure why this made the news.
- Razorlight - Jonny has spent all of his life watching America. Enjoyable as A Horse With No Name is, we don't feel it makes them a band worth devoting your entire existence to.
- Red Hot Chili Peppers - Oh for funk's sake. And embarrassing, lazy, unoriginal, samey white funk at that.
- Snow Patrol - Surely it's bad enough having a nation of people sleeping with their TVs left on standby, so why on earth are the organisers risking having the entire country - well, those who actually bother watching the gigs, of course - fall asleep with their TVs still blaring away? An event which will surely happen thirty seconds into Snow Patrol's set?
- Spinal Tap - Well, at least someone realises that this attempt to change the world, while laudable, is little more than a joke.