Thursday, May 04, 2006
I See Girls
FHM Magazine recently announced its annual list of the 100 Sexiest Women and for the third year running they've made a printing error. Two years ago they somehow managed to avoid including Miss Nicola Roberts, Last year they failed to place in her in her rightful position at number one, making it appear that she was languishing in mid table mediocrity, while this year they seem to have printed the entire list upside down, so that Nic appears to be at the bottom of the list, rather than at the top. You think they'd have someone to check these things and make sure they get it right, wouldn't you? The majority of the list is made up of various girls who have little to recommend them other than their seeming inability to afford any clothing from the waist up, but the FHM readership is not averse to trawling the music channels in their desperate search for masterbatory material while they wait optimistically for their chance to actually meet a real lady, so here are FHM's Sexiest Women in Pop, 2006 Edition:-
- 6. Cheryl Tweedy - When Girls Aloud eventually decide they've tired of hanging around the kitchen in their underwear, pretending to be ladies, Cheryl has already made plans to team up with Rolf Harris to make both records and clothes together, under the name of Harris Tweedy.
- 7. Beyonce Knowles - Beyonce is terrified of the dark and requires all her partners to keep watch over her while she's sleeping lest the monsters under the bed get her. It was this trait which was the inspiration for recent hit Check on It. Also, after wowing casting directors all over the world with her performances in such high quality comedies as The Pink Panther and Austin Powers: Goldmember, a great battle are currently being fought as to which film will be next to feature her prodigious talents; she'll either be playing Olive in On The Buses or Mrs Slocombe in Are You Being Served.
- 10. Jessica Simpson - Few people have managed to make a successful career out of being a bit dumb. Most, such as Chico or Jamie Cullum, forge their success out of the rest of the country being dumb.
- 11. Billie Piper - We love Billie's Adventures in Time, the BBC 1 series starring Billie as a time traveller with David Tennant as her hapless assistant, but we'd love it even more if she did a comeback tour, performing all the classics we know and love. Come on, love, Take That did it to great acclaim and you were much better and more popular that they ever were.
- 13. Lindsay Lohan - We recently discovered that somewhere in Scotland there's a street called Lindsay Loan - and also two houses called Craig David and Lemar right next door to each other - we so plan on moving there.
- 14. Rachel Stevens - Well, at least the FHM readership still love you, even if the vast majority of the record buying public couldn't give two hoots.
- 15. Sarah Harding - Most of her votes were probably sent in by Callum Best. We're not sure if they're currently together or not, we believe it depends entirely on what time of the day it is.
- 31. Jennifer Ellison - Jenny has recently started up her own lingerie range, which is fair enough really as her previous career was a load of pants as well.
- 33. Hilary Duff - We can't get enough of that wonderful Duff.
- 38. Christina Aguilera - She'll be back this year with exciting new material: a special wipe clean inlay card.
- 40. Charlotte Church - And to think vicars spend half their time complaining that not enough people take part in Church worship these days.
- 43. Jennifer Lopez - Jennifer Lopez has a big arse. Sorry, is, is a big arse.
- 49. Nicole Scherzinger - She's one of the Pussycat Dolls. If she was a real doll, she'd probably be one of those scary looking Bratz dolls. Or a Butt Ugly Martian.
- 55. Nadine Coyle - Despite the average age of FHM's readers being about 12, it seems the lollipop look which she's currently favouring - eat, woman, eat - isn't as popular with them as you'd think.
- 63. Holly Valance - Holly's recently returned to the world of acting and is currently simultaneously playing a number of roles as she fraudulently claims threseparatete dole cheques and four lots of housing benefits.
- 65. Joss Stone - Our friend reckons she looks like a lion. We're noconvinceded our friend has ever seen a lion.
- 66. Kimberley Walsh - No longer looks a bit like Pete Burns, which can only be a good thing.
- 69. Fergie (The Black Eyed Peas) - Oh, for fuck's sake.
- 83. Gwen Stefani - Face it, if you dressed anyone up in a cheerleader's uniform, they'd probably get the FHM vote. Even Pete Burns.
- 84. Nicola Roberts - Have we mentioned that we find her ever so slightly attractive?
