Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

10 Things We State About... 

It was Valentine's Day yesterday! And not one of you sent us a card. No-one loves us, you're all bastards, etc, etc. In honour of this important event in the greeting cards industry calendar, we had considered declaring this to be Love Week here on TiaPL and saying nothing but nice things about everyone we wrote about - hence the lack of updates to our 100 Actual Worst Songs countdown. Ahem. - but we remembered that the Brit Awards are happening tonight and we feel that we're going to need a lot of vitriol to get through the whole event. Instead, here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about Love Songs:-
  1. The best musical instrument with which to represent the raw, powerful, forceful, blood pounding and thrilling emotions associated with true love is a piss-weak acoustic guitar. This works particularly well when coupled with whiny, pathetic vocals.
  2. Any songs which refer to "Bump and grind" are generally as sexy as cementing your hand into a brick wall.
  3. Westlife have recorded 3,763 love songs in their career so far. Only fully trained experts can tell the difference between more than two of them.
  4. Robbie Williams' Angels is now the most popular song for the first dance at wedding receptions. The second is Sir Mix-A-Lot's I Like Big Butts And I Cannot Lie.
  5. All love duets written and performed by couples aren't in any way awkward or embarrassing when they inevitably split up 6 months after it hits the top ten.
  6. Buying your partner a 2CD Love song compilation is easily the best way to demonstrate to them that you have the imagination of a pebble, the emotional response of a Barbie doll, and the musical taste of Simon Bates. This may not quite be the message you want to put across.
  7. It's only in recent years that the heart has been considered to be the organ of love. In the seventies the lungs were considered to be the most romantic part of your insides, and prior to that it was the large intestine that fired up the lyricists muse.
  8. At gigs, love songs tend to inspire the crowd to hold their lighters aloft. This is because the audience, as one, becomes filled with the urge to set fire to the lead singer and make him stop.
  9. Singer/songwriters love nothing more than writing a song about the object of their affections and presenting it to them as a gift. This is because it's a hell of a lot cheaper than taking them out for a meal, buying them some flowers or, you know, doing something that their beloved might actually like.
  10. The best love song ever written is Helen Love's Does Your Heart Go Boom, with The Love Affair's Everlasting Love coming a close second.