We're
so going to regret doing this. Since
Top of the Pops started they've had nearly 240 different people hosting the show, but who on earth were they all? Let's have a look, shall we, in the first installment of our three part look at this somewhat monumental list:-
- Russ Abbot - Used to live in a televisual Madhouse. Now, thanks to the downturn in his career, he lives in a very real Dosshouse.
- Damon Albarn - Not only has he recently, thanks to Gorillaz, proved that he does actually possess some sort of talent, contrary to all prior evidence, but a bowl of him each morning will keep you regular.
- Keith Allen - Father of Lily and brains behind Fat Les, one day he will pay for all the misery he's brought upon the world.
- Matt Allwright - Makes his living out of hosting the sort of crap consumer programs that fill up the schedules on BBC One before Eastenders starts. He also makes some extra cash working as Michael Barrymore's personal assistant and the lanky comedian can often be heard calling for the young journalist.
- Anastacia - Brings to the world of presenting the same skills she brought to the world of pop: being a bit shouty, rubbish and annoying.
- Steve Anderson - We're not entirely sure who this is. He hosted it a few times in 1991 and 1992 and our best guess is that he's the bloke who co-wrote Confide in Me and produced some of Take That's stuff. Either that or he's the guy who invented Thunderbirds.
- Peter Andre - Used his appearance to promote his Mysterious Grill range of cooking sauces. "You'll love the Flava!", he exclaimed. They didn't sell.
- Mel B - Mel was recently planning to write and star in her own sitcom. Unfortunately plans came to a grinding halt when she realised that most of the events from her recent career fell into the 'tragedy' category.
- Richard Bacon - Given that he's taken some drugs and was rude about the Magic Numbers Richard is often considered to be a bit controversial. Mainly by people for whom having a Rich Tea biscuit instead of a Digestive is a bit daring.
- Zoe Ball - Daughter of Johnny, wife of Fat Boy Slim, sister of annoying irritants with no apparent talent whatsoever.
- Sue Barker - Former tennis player and current host of Question of Sport. Given the high quality of every football song ever, sport and music are clearly as symbiotically linked as yin is to yang, so it was only natural and not entirely irrelevant that Sue Barker should get a shot at hosting the show.
- Simon Bates - Hosting the show he seemed so happy, so carefree, so full of life, it seemed like nothing could bring him down. But for Simon, tragedy was just around the corner. He never got to host the show again, but one song can still bring back memories of those days. *Plays some insipid piece of unemotional balladry. Probably by Foreigner*
- Colin Berry - Old DJ, currently working in local radio. And, if Wikipedia is to be believed, once drew a picture of a clown which horrified fellow classmate Tasha Ledger. But we think that's a different Colin Berry.
- Bjork - The not at all mad Icelandic girl refused to use actual language when she hosted the show, instead opting for a series of whistles and high pitched bleating to communicate with the audience.
- Tony Blackburn - The real Tony Blackburn died twenty years ago. Since then all public appearances have been carried out by a double, carved out of solid mahogany.
- Richard Blackwood - Richard considered himself to be the British answer to Will Smith. The question being "Which artist cannot seriously be likened to Will Smith in any way, shape or form?"
- Edith Bowman - Shrill voiced harpy Edith brings shame to the Scottish nation and clearly hates all music, something evidenced by her apparent enjoyment of the recordings of Snow Patrol.
- Liz Bonnin - Used to present RI:SE, Channel 4's short-lived breakfast show. This means that now more people watch her in her flat than did when she was actually on the telly. Well, they do when the window cleaners come round.
- Jeremy Bowen - Newsreader with the scariest eyes in the world. Hosting Top of the Pops probably didn't do his credibility much good, though it probably wasn't as bad as when he hosted Bullseye.
- Pete Brady - Old lady.
- Jakki Brambles - Last seen doing the showbiz news on GMTV, which in career terms is only one step above appearing live on Sky News on the top of a hotel roof, surrounded by police and threatening to kill your children unless the pool is filled with taramasalata.
- Jo Brand - She's slightly overweight. Not that you'd notice, though. It's not like she's managed to base an entire career on pointing out that fact.
- Bruno Brookes - Due to a hilarious mix-up, Brookes once found himself defending the heavyweight boxing title while Frank Bruno ended up going through the ordeal of trying to host the top 40 countdown on Radio 1.
- Ian Broudie - After the hosting the show Ian took a taxi home. After fifteen minutes of so of driving Ian began to get concerned that he didn't recognise any of the local landmarks and was worried about what route the driver was taking. "Um", he asked, concern heavy in his voice, "Where are we going?". "Don't worry, mate", said the driver with a glint in his eye, "You're going home, you're going home, you're going... you are going home".
- Jocelyn Brown - Released Somebody Else's Guy back in 1984 and very little of any note since then, hence why she found herself doing some crappy reality TV singing show alongside the gutter end of the celebrity Z-list in 2006.
- Paul Burnett - Old Radio 1 DJ, currently working for Capital Gold, the sound of death itself.
- Rhona Cameron - Scottish comedian. Her sitcom Rhona, in no way a rip off of Ellen, flopped. She blamed this on the fact the general public refused to give it a chance because she was a lesbian. The general public themselves blamed it on the fact it simply wasn't funny. At all.
- Nicky Campbell - Nicky hosts both the Five Live breakfast show and fronts popular angular indie types Franz Ferdinand.
- Julia Carling - The former wife of Will Carling, this seemingly irrelevant fact somehow convinced her she had the skills and talents necessary for a career in television presenting. She didn't.
- Dave Cash - Currently broadcasts on Radio Kent. This presumably makes him less the Man in Black, more the man of beige.
- Sarah Cawood - Never go to Sarah's house unprepared as she's very fond of practical jokes. If you go down to Cawood's today, you're sure of a big surprise.
- Neneh Cherry - Only hosted it once as the producers got exasperated by her continual failure to hit her cues. She was always seven seconds away.
- Jeremy Clarkson - During his appearance Jeremy proved that not only does he hate women, socialists, foreigners, homosexuals and pretty much anyone who isn't actually him, he also hates young people and young people's music as well. It was a bit like having your dad host the show.
- Julian Clary - We can almost guarantee that he would have made a joke about a high climber in the chart "Coming up the rear".
- Jarvis Cocker - The Pulp frontman hosted the show during the whole Blur/Oasis non-event where they both argued over who was the better band. This sort of argument, we believe, is generally summed up as being like two bald men fighting over a comb.
- Julian Cope - Julian kept returning his payment for this gig to the BBC. Eventually the BBC had to send some people out to have a chat with him and finally he learned to accept his reward.
- Fearne Cotton - *Sigh* We're going to miss Fearne. And her lovely outfits.
- Sara Cox - Despite the obvious limitations of working in an audio medium, Sara hasn't let the fact that you can only ever understand ever third word she says stop her from pursuing a career in radio.
- Andy Crane - Since his CBBC Broom Cupboard days Andy's managed to achieve more success than his co-host Ed the Duck. Marginally.
- Garth Crooks - Some footballer blokey. A slightly more appealing booking than Garth Brooks, but only just.
- Peter Cunnah - The lead singer of D:Ream. They reckoned that things could only get better and you know what, they were right. In fact, they generally got better the instant that the D:Ream record stopped playing.
- Josie D'Arby - Former Blue Peter presenter, no often to be found droning about religion on Songs of Praise. She's not related to Terence Trent D'Arby, but she is the same Josie as in Josie and the Pussycats.
- Roger Daltrey - In one of the more blatant examples of a lesser performer leaching off of the talent of a true genius and genuine star, Roger once appeared in a movie with Chesney Hawkes. We don't know why Chesney stood for it.
- Phil Daniels - Phil's presenting duties consisted of him standing behind the main presenter, waiting for them to finish speaking before shouting "Parklife!" into the camera and giving a cheeky cockney wink. He wasn't asked back.
- Alan Davies - We saw Alan Davies in a version of The Odd Couple last year. We were very impressed by the fact he didn't even begin to attempt to do an American accent for the role, preferring instead to play it as if he'd received some sort of bang to the head as a child.
- Gary Davies - 'Ooh' Gary Davies used to host the lunchtime slot on Radio One. He stayed there for most of the eighties until bosses released that having someone whose mid-Atlantic twang was like to put listeners off their sandwich probably wasn't the best of ideas.
- Angus Deayton - The sardonic, brown suited former host of Have I Got News For You was later to bring shame upon himself after this appearance. No, not the drugs and hookers thing, but hosting Only Fools On Horses for Sport Relief.
- Jack Dee - Jack Dee hosted the show quite a few times. He presided over appearances by such luminaries as EYC, Michael Bolton, Stiltskin, Robson and Jerome, Boyzone and The Lighthouse Family. Bet that brought a smile to his face.
- Simon Dee - A big star in the sixties, Simon has now vanished into obscurity and is little more than a joke term for failed stardom. A bit like a long term version of Gareth Gates, really.
- Chris Denning - A former Radio 1 DJ and the first of a surprising number of paedophiles on this list. Whodve thought that a job involving contact with young people would attract so many of them?
- Cathy Dennis - We love Cathy, you love Cathy, everyone loves Cathy.
- Hugh Dennis - Part of The Mary Whitehouse Experience and one half of Punt and Dennis. The 'Dennis' half, obviously.
- Frankie Dettori - A jockey, he only presented the show once thanks to an unfortunate incident when Celine Dion took to the stage.
- Micky Dolenz - Hey, hey, he's a Monkee. We've heard, from people, that he likes to monkey around, though we're not entirely sure how trustworthy that source is. He's probably just trying to be friendly.
- Declan Donnelly - See Ant.
- Tony Dortie - He was the nineties equivalent of Tim Kash, only with some actual talent.
- Noel Edmonds - Who would have thought that one day Noel Edmonds would be hosting a TV program and no-one would know who the banker was?
- Greg Edwards - Some DJ bloke. Possibly related to Tom Edwards.
- Tom Edwards - Some DJ bloke. Possibly related to Greg Edwards.
- Joe Elliott - Lead singer of Def Leppard. If you ever get jumped by the band, concentrate on dealing with either the bassist or the guitarist. Don't worry about the drummer, he's armless.
- Sophie Ellis-Bextor - During downtime between Theaudience splitting up and her solo career kicking off, Sophie made some extra cash by doing some modeling work. Her most lucrative work was when she appeared in a primary school mathematical textbook as "A Rhombus".
- Ben Elton - Former left-wing comedian who threw away any credibility he might once have had by sucking up to Prince Charles the minute he had a sniff of the possibility of an OBE. Oh, and by writing shitty musicals about Queen.
- Harry Enfield - Harry Enfield went to the same university we did. Fact! Not an interesting fact, admittedly, but it's still a fact!
- Eternal - Their links seemed to go on forever.
- Chris Eubank - Chris styles himself as the gentleman's boxer. There are also some areas of the internet where he's described as the gentleman's relish.
- Chris Evans - Chris hasn't had a single original idea since 1997,
- Lee Evans - While the hyperactive funnyman was hosting the show, runners had to be on hand, armed with mops and buckets, to clean up all the sweat that poured off him consistently throughout his entire performance.
- Kenny Everett - After leaving Radio One, Kenny opened up a chain of restaurants that took pride in using only the finest ingredients. It was all done in the best possible taste.
- The Fast Show - A sketch show which re-popularised the use of catchphrase based comedy. In many ways it paved the way for Little Britain, but we probably shouldn't judge them too harshly for that.
- Mark Franklin - Started presenting the show alongside Tony Dortie. It says something for his complete lack of presence that even Tony Dortie is more memorable a host than he is.
- Alan Freeman - Alan started his career supervising the soft drink aisle of his local supermarket, hence his famous catchphrase "Good evening pop pickers".
- Justine Frischman - Justine was the lead singer in Elastica. Quite how she managed to fit this presenting job into Elastica's busy and hectic recording schedule will be a mystery to us all.
- Gina G - She originally didn't have too much work to do when she was hosting the show, just a little bit, but then they re-wrote the script and she had a little bit more, which was what she was waiting for, really, and they all knew it.
- Paul Gambaccini - Likes to believe he's an expert in modern music, but lives so far in the past he's practically Nicholas Lyndhurst in Goodnight Sweetheart.
- Stephen Gately - Used to be in Boyzone but left to go it alone. Now his career has taken such a nosedive that he can also used to be in Stephen Gately.
- Diarmuid Gavin - Some gardener bloke, so he's used to talking over beds. Arf!
- Michelle Gayle - Former Eastender and equally former popstar of the low-rent variety. She was last seen attempting to kickstart her career with an appearance on the lame duck show Reborn in the USA, failing to realise that by appearing on the show she was demonstrating that her career had already run out of petrol and left her stranded on the motorway.
- Bob Geldof - This show had to run at double the normal length to accommodate Bob, all the acts, and Bob's massive ego.
- Gary Glitter - Another paedophile. Is currently finding it quite hard to drum up membership for his gang.
- Mark Goodier - Despite not hosting the chart show any more, it's still Mark that compiles it and has the final say on who gets to be number one. In short, if Mark doesn't like you, you can whistle your chances of success goodbye.
- Gareth Hale - One half of Hale and Pace. The one without the moustache. We think.
- David Hamilton - 'Diddy' David Hamilton was actually 6'4" but used a series of prisms to give the illusion of being of shorter stature. No-one ever understood why.
- Richard Hammond - Another Top Gear presenter, pressed into TotP service mainly to promote his show. We're not totally convinced the two shows share the same sort of target audience.
- Jeremy Hardy - Genius.
- Brian Harvey - A member of East 17, he's the 7 foot rabbit who Tony Mortimer is convinced exists but who no-one else can see.
- Aled Haydn-Jones - Aled is one of the unsufferable posse from Chris Moyles show, so is an arse by association.
- Lenny Henry - Lenny is probably best known these days for his work with Comic Relief, the charity extravaganza that serves the dual purpose of making sure that both starving Africans become less starving and that Lenny gets at least some exposure on national telly, no matter how undeserved it might be these days.
- Stuart Henry - Another old Radio 1 DJ, Stuart found success despite having the obvious drawback of being a tiny, computer animated mouse, voiced by Michael J Fox.
- Richard Herring - Half of Lee and Herring, Rich may not be as obviously successful as his counterpart, but at least he doesn't have to deal with death threats from crazy Christians, failing to understand the meaning of the "Thou shall not kill" commandment.
- Harry Hill - But if Harry's presenting Top of the Pops, who's getting the badgers ready for the badger parade?!
- Katy Hill - But if Katy's presenting Top of the Pops, who's getting the badgers... ah, you've got it covered? Never mind then.
- Mary-Anne Hobbs - When Mary-Anne found out she was going to be hosting Top of the Pops she expressed her joy and excitement in the same dull, lifeless monotone she used for entire radio career.
- Noddy Holder - Wheeled on for a Christmas special just so they could get him to shout "It's Christmas!". He must feel so proud to have had such a lasting effect on pop culture.
- Rufus Hound - One of the current crop of presenters and actually quite good.
- Konnie Huq - Another Blue Peter type, picked for the role mainly because she looks to be approximately 12 years old and so is easily relatable to by the target audience.
music tv totp
