Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

10 Things We State About... 

The top of the album and single charts, not normally a place to look for hope and optimism, is currently reaching new depths of despair as sitting astride the pair of them like a Top Shop suited behemoth are Westlife, demonstrating comfortably that some people's brains switch off the minute they enter a record shop. If you've studied your Revelations - which we haven't, though we have seen some dodgy heavy metal cover art - then you'll be aware that this event is one of the first signifiers of the impending apocalypse and we should all start looking busy as the second coming is on it's way, though quite why a Stone Roses tribute band should inspire such fervour is a debate for another time. Until then, here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about the short, stocky, Shrek-like troubadours:-
  1. Westlife firmly believe that they can fly without wings. We're keen to put this hypothesis to the test by booting them out of a plane and seeing what happens.
  2. Dolls of the band are available under the Mr Potato Head brand name.
  3. Despite claiming he left of his own volition, Bryan was actually asked to leave after his desperate attempts to find out What Makes a Man took a macabre turn.
  4. Westlife gigs are dangerous, exciting experiences! For example, once Kian stood up from his stool a bit too quickly, felt a bit dizzy and had to sit back down again until the next key change came along.
  5. Indeed, such is their Pavlovian reaction to key changes that all the members of the band find themselves automatically standing up the minute they here one, which is why they've all been banned from listening to their iPod's while on public transport.
  6. The original demo of their debut single consisted simply of Roy 'Unfunny racist misogynistic fuckwit' Brown saying "Bollocks. That's 'Bollocks'", and while the released version of Swear it Again may have sounded quite different, it still maintained that original sentiment.
  7. Due to lack of experience, Westlife do not understand the concept of a coloured wash.
  8. Not even all five four members of Westlife can name all five four members of Westlife.
  9. They've had 13 number ones, which is initially quite a depressing figure, but less so when you realise that at least Bop Bop Baby wasn't among them.
  10. When You're Looking Like That was quite good, mind.