Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Top of the Popstars // Part 1
Well, the show wasn't as bad as we were expecting - the links were amusing, the tone wasn't too sneering and they even played Ultrasound's Stay Young over the credits. Even though, it was still ultimately a pretty disappointing experience. This was mainly down to the fact that despite it being billed as being about the top 50 pop stars, it was just a list of the top selling artists based on total single sales, this means that some of the members of this list are somewhat, emm, interesting. Anyway, here's our look at the lower half of the chart.
- 50 // The Hollies // They weren't heavy. They weren't much cop either.
- 49 // Frank Sinatra // He didn't fly us to the moon. In our view he barely even managed to taxi down the runway. He did wear a hat in a rakish fashion though, so that earns him a few points.
- 48 // Bryan Adams // No, no, no, no, no! The first sign that this list is somewhat less than relevant. Mr Adams is many things, some of them are even utterable when children are around, hell, we'll even admit to really liking Summer of '69, but one thing he certainly isn't is a pop star. Pop stars are pinned up to bedroom walls and lusted over. We doubt anyone's ever had a naughty thought about the pock-marked Canadian rocker, and if we have we feel they should be sent for psychiatric study to try and discover the cause of their unusual perversion.
- 47 // U2 // Bono dreams of a perfect world. One where poverty is eradicated. One were equality and justice prevails. One where the needs of the many outweigh the wants of the few. We agree with him, we want a perfect world as well. That's why we want U2 to bugger off and take their overwrought rock-with-a-conscience-nonsense with them.
- 46 // Engelbert Humperdinck // They don't make pop stars like this nowadays. Hooray for progress!
- 45 // Westlife // What can be said about Westlife that hasn't been said before? "Westlife are the greatest band to ever grace the hit parade", perhaps, and it's not something that we're going to say, we'll stick with the tried and tested view that they are one of the worst groups to ever sully the good name of pop and should get put down at the first availiable opportunity.
- 44 // Gary Glitter // And what can be said about Mr Glitter that hasn't been said before? "I've got the name of a highly reccommended babysitter", perhaps.
- 43 // The Shadows // Does anyone remember when they were exposed in The Sun?
- 42 // The Everly Brothers // The sort of pop band that would whip their audience into a frenzy of polite clapping, before they collapsed into an orgy of quietly waiting for the next number.
- 41 // Duran Duran // Seriously, The Reflex is fucking ace. It far outshines the rest of their, admittedly rather fab, repertoire.
- 40 // Wet Wet Wet // The world is still waiting for a Wet Wet Wet reunion. If by 'world', you mean 'our mum' and by 'waiting' you mean 'not that bothered, but would probably go if she wasn't doing anything else'. Wet Wet Wet were apparantly pop-soul, but managed to fulfill neither category satisfactory, they basically fell between two stools, and the sort of stench that two stools gives off was pretty similar to the stink given off by their music.
- 39 // Phil Collins // You can't hurry love, or so he claims. Clearly he's never been with a prostitute who charges by the minute. Not that we have either. Right? Right.
- 38 // Pet Shop Boys // Finally! 12 artists in and we finally get to a duo that deserves their place amongst the pantheon of pop gods. Pet Shop Boys are ace, while their newer stuff hasn't been quite as glittery fabulous as their earlier material (though You Only Tell Me You Love Me When You're Drunk is gorgeous), they are still releasing songs that would make lesser bands eat their own noses if they thought it would help them write a tune even half that good. It wouldn't, of course, but we do like the thought of a noseless pop band. They could be called the Spiteful Faces. Anyway, clearly with PSB appearing, this chart is now only going to be filled with geniuses who have star quality rushing through their veins and looks that could stop a bus. And we mean in the good way.
- 37 // Robbie Williams // Oh, for fucks sake. We dislike Robbie a lot. In fact, despise is probably a better word for the disdain in which we hold him. Some people may say that we're only jealous because he's better looking, a better singer and generally more successful than we are, but these people are wrong. The reason that we'd rather put superglue in our ears than go to a Robbie Williams concert is because Robbie is not a pop star. He is what a marketing department thinks a pop star should be. Everything about him is so contrived, so forced, so unnatural that he ceases to be anything of any note. While a good pop star plays a role, it's a role that is an extension of who they are, a caricature of their personality. Robbie has no voice of his own, he has no unique style, he sells to people who aren't buying the music, they're buying into a mass-cultural experience. They buy it because they feel they should, because everyone else is, because society expects it. And because musically he has some vaguely pleasant melodies that aren't totally unlistenable they can fool themselves into thinking that they actually like it. Robbie represents all that is wrong about the music industry, and the sooner he finally has his nervous breakdown and fucks off, the better.
- 36 // Frankie Goes To Hollywood // TiaPL Say: We always felt that Frankie made better t-shirts than they made music. Two Tribes was quite good though.
- 35 // The Jam // We preferred Marmalade.
- 34 // Adam And The Ants // We reckon that it's time for an Adam Ant revival. We feel that the best way to achieve this is by having Girls Aloud cover Stand and Deliver. This could work, it would just need a few minor lyric changes, something like giving Nicola the lead vocal and having her sing "I'm the ginger highway girl, you'd be so scared you'd back down / I earn my cash by looking flash and standing in the background"
- 33 // Wham! // The piano part to Freedom is one of the best bits of pop music... ever! It's just a shame that George Michael decided to walk down the road towards Serious Artist Town, twinned with Dullsville.
- 32 // Diana Ross // She was a Diva, which seems to us to be a nicer way of saying "horribly obnoxious woman". We don't rate her as a solo artist, but The Supremes had their moments.
- 31 // Madness // We'll give them Our House, Wings of a Dove and Michael Caine, but we'll never forgive them for Driving in My Car, no matter how much Suggs has tried to earn redemption by hosting Night Fever.
- 30 // The Police // Every single thing they do is tragic.
- 29 // Celine Dion // We're quite happy with the fact that she's currently doing a residency in Vegas in a custom built theatre. It means she's locked away from the rest of us and won't be troubling the charts with what she, in complete ignorance of the Trades Description Act describes as 'music'.
- 28 // Tom Jones // The leather faced voice from the valleys, and also a man who, if you believe the video for Baby, It's Cold Outside, and we personally believe everything we see on televison, keeps Cerys Matthews locked in a cage for his personal enjoyment. Tom Jones current career seems to exist on leeching off of other people's talents, and not particularly impressive talents at that, given he's dueted with both the Stereophonics and The Girl With The Big Hair from M People. He too performs in Vegas, though he doesn't have a custom built theatre. We like to think that he does have a custom built tool shed instead which he uses for thinking deep thoughs. Oh, and occasional masterbation.
- 27 // UB40 // Something else to blame Thatcher for. Just think, if this lot had had jobs then they wouldn't have had the time, or the inclination, to get together and make this god-awful racket.
- 26 // Oasis // Their position here is clearly proof of exactly how easy it is to sell slightly noisy guitar records to 14 year old boys who are trying to be rebellious. Though it is somewhat impressive that they've managed to be together for ten years, release 5 albums and have yet to show any sign of noticeable improvement. Oh, and Liam isn't some sort of iconic figure - he's a twat.
