Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Fashion, Don't You Know? 

We all want to look good, even if any publicity shot of Rooster might lead you to believe otherwise. Unlike popstars, most us aren't followed around by an entourage of stylists, hairdressers and make-up artist whose only reason to exist is to make us look good, which is a bit of a problem in the looking good stakes. In short, you all don't half look a state.

It's fortunate, then, that Talent in a Previous Life is welcoming a brand new member to our team, our top notch Fashion Correspondent, Laura. She'll be getting in touch with various pop stars and, with a little help from herself, they'll be telling you their tips for looking just that bit less ugly than you actually do. First up, those laugh-a-minute funsters, Muse:-

Matt Bellamy's Guide to Making Your Band Mates Even More of a Laughing Stock Than They Already Are


Hello you CRAZY kids! It's everyone's favourite loonbag, Matt Bellamy, here to entertain the masses, though you may know me more fondly as the girl who fronts Muse. My doctor tells me puberty will kick in any day now, but we'll see.

I'm here today to explain to you all the importance of the role of fashion when trying to demean your co-workers in a HILARIOUS and CRAZY manner. This is valuable information for Nadine from that Girls Are Loud band. I understand she shares many of my sentiments. Good on you Nadine, you CRAZY girl!

Now, I've no doubt at all that you will have no idea what my band mates are called, and to be honest here, I don't either, really. Band Mate #1 and Band Mate #2 I call them. It's worked fine for 10 years, why change now?! I am, after all, the CRAZY and insane frontman for the band, and I am all that matters as far as you're concerned. I've written all the songs on our albums, you see the other two tried to help, but I told them that I was far too unique and CRAZY to let them interfere with what I was doing. Band Mate #2 said that I probably shouldn't obsess about conspiracy theories so much, or be so miserable all the time, but I had a word with my mate David Icke, and he told me they were just jealous, and David knows his Stuff. Trust me.

Anyway, as a result of my refusal to co-write songs, I ended up with pretty much all the royalties. Ha ha! Brilliant! So I have invested this money further into making myself into the cool, but CRAZY!, guy of the band and helping the others fade into obscurity further. This is very evident from much of the promotional pictures for our new album which I will not plug here* at all. Band Mates #1 and #2 came to me and said "Look Matt, you CRAZY guy, we're releasing an album soon, and lots of people are going to want to take our photo, so could you please buy us some new clothes as we have spent the whole £1.30 that we made from Absolution each, and its not funny being mistaken for tramps anymore.". So what with me being the CRAZY guy I am, I agreed, on the condition that I got to buy their clothes for them. They agreed. Eventually. Not at all reluctantly.

First off, I went to buy my outfit. I decided that as summer will soon be over, the time is right to buy a new overcoat. That and the fact that my mate David Icke reckons that the world is gonna freeze over on August 3rd. I also decided that as it's still somewhat cool to be emo, some drainpipe jeans wouldn't go amiss. And as I'm doing the whole emo thing, I decided to lose some weight too and become a skinny fucker. I lost a bit too much though, then my jeans wouldn't fit me any more and so we had to use a belt but they still kept falling down, so we got some braces too. But they look suave or CRAZY or something, so I didn't mind too much. This is when we started running out of money :( I wanted a nice tie to go with my lovely new shirt (N.B. Kids, don't do the top button up. You all want the world to think you're CRAZY and KOOKY, right?) but we couldn't find one for less than a tenner, so I had a root around in my wardrobe and found an old black scarf which may or may not have been knitted by my Nan. As it's gonna freeze in a few days anyway, I thought WHAT THE HELL! and wore it in place of a tie. CRAZY!

Now, the other two. I'm quite partial to Band Mate #2, and he has kids and stuff - which I'm sure you know because the guy wont shut up about them for five minutes - so I decided to buy him a nice warm coat, too. We managed to get it cheap from some woman in Romford market. Apparently they forgot to make it so you can take it off like a coat, and when he wants to put it on, he has to pull it over his head. Its fun watching him do it though. Last time, because I am a CRAZY guy, I decided to trip him up when the coat was over his head, and he fell over and was out cold for 4 hours. HILARIOUS! I bought him some fantastic stiletto heels as well, but the ungrateful bastard refused to wear them! So I said, "Band Mate #2, you can find your own shoes then", and he did. But still, with his pretty somber ensemble, those trainer shoe things look ridiculous. My mate David Icke reckons that trainers will be ruling the world in 20 years from now. CRAZY stuff!

By this time, it was half past 5, and I really wanted to go home and play with my jetpack, so I thought to myself "Matt, you CRAZY guy, we need to embarrass that other guy. HOW are we going to do that?" and then I realised what I had to do. I went to my local bowling alley, and nicked a jacket off of one of the attendants. I've refused to buy him anything since, so you'll be able to see this jacket in photoshoots for years to come. I thought it was great! But Band Mates #1 and #2 were a bit fucked off.

I don't know why they're complaining about it so much. As the creative director for everything to do with Muse, I was allowed to pick the outfits for the guys on the album cover. I picked them from a fancy dress shop as a joke (because I'm a CRAZY guy like that!), and then we ran out of money before we could get them some proper clothes. Don't be fooled with the symbolism crap our record label is trying to fob you off with.

Anyway, my mate David Icke's on the phone again. He's got a new conspiracy idea for me that I'm going to base our next album around. Apparently it involves Rachel Stevens and a Number 1 album. Ha ha! CRAZY, isn't it?

Matt x

(*Blackholes and Revelations is available in all good record shops now. And a few crappy ones. Buy it! Buy it!)