Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

10 Things We State About... 

If our love for the new Kelly Osbourne single is leaving us somewhat shamefaced, our next admission causes our cheeks to burn with such heat that the paint is beginning to blister off of the walls. The admission is this: The new Cliff Richard single is really good. Yes, we know, on the surface that's not a set of words that makes any sense whatsoever, but trust us; What Car is the best thing he's done since Wired For Sound and we all know how good that was, don't we? We do? Right.

Anyway, to celebrate the somewhat surprising excellence of his new material, we're proud to present ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about the man they call the Peter Pan of Pop. And in a good way, not like Michael Jackson:-
  1. As well as pioneering the bootleg scene with his Lord's Prayer/Auld Lang Syne mash-up, Millennium Prayer, he was also the first man to ever do a guerilla gig, gate-crashing Centre Court during 1996's Wimbledon tournament to force a frightened and powerless audience to listen to an acapella performance of some of his greatest hits.
  2. After having soundtracked Christmas for so long, Cliff has now formerly taken on the role of Substitute Jesus and often fills in for Our Lord and Saviour if the Son of God is otherwise detained or fancies slipping out for a fly cigarette.
  3. Top Pop Scientists got together and worked out that Cliff is the best popstar of all time, which says a lot. Mainly that you can prove anything with statistics.
  4. Cliff Richard and Daniel O'Donnell have a deep seated rivalry that has lasted longer than they, or their fans can, or, indeed, are able to remember. In a recent interview, Sir Cliff had this to say about the Irish troubadour: "I just fucking hate him. Even the sight of his smug, jowly face just makes me want to put a brick in the cunt's face. Fucking tosspot."
  5. Despite their current animosity, they did use to be friends. It was their falling out, over who got first shot at a groupie, that inspired Cliff's 1979 hit We Don't Talk Anymore.
  6. After buying an anatomical model showing the internal organs of your average human male at a car boot sale, Cliff's joy turned to disappointment on the discovery that it was incomplete. Turned out that he just didn't have the heart.
  7. As a Knight of the Realm, Cliff is duty bound to mount his horse, grab his sword and defend the land should our nation's security - and the Queen's person - be threatened. He practices his swordsmanship daily and has killed at least two men who doubted his valour and courage.
  8. Cliff Richard has had at least one number one in each of the last five decades. This demonstrates remarkable bladder control.
  9. Despite what you may be led to believe from the lyrics to Summer Holiday, Cliff has never actually left the British Isles. The farthest afield he's been is Cornwall, which he considers to be abroad or "as near as dammit as makes no difference"
  10. There is absolutely nothing unusual about a 65 year old virgin.