Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Fashion, Don't You Know 

Madonna is currently entertaining the rich, the corporate sponsors, and those who feel they can quite happily live with only one kidney as her latest, remarkably overpriced, tour hits the UK. Madonna is something of a style icon, in the sense that she dresses like no-one else ever does or, indeed, would want to. But just in case you are that way inclined, our intrepid Fashion Correspondent Laura managed to persuade the lady herself to give a few words on just how she achieved the, ahem, interesting look she pulled off at this year's Grammy awards.

Hello fashion fans! It's Madonna here, and I'm going to teach you all how to give yourself a TOTALLY NEW wardrobe with little more than a pair of scissors and a variety of bits and bobs that I got my assistant to purchase for me in my local Harrods! Now, I know what you're all thinking. Why would I, the amazing Madge, star of such blockbuster hits as Swept Away, the amazingly unpretentious Evita, not to mention my back catalogue of mega pop hits (you loved American Life and you know it) need to budget? Well chaps, the truth is that in between throwing myself off of horses and prancing around glitter balls, I find myself a little bored., so what better way to kill time than to make myself even more glamorous than usual?

I don't know how many of you mere mortals have heard of the Grammy awards, but they are quite important in the US of A. But as I am now a fully-fledged British laydee, I obviously don't find them as vital any more. This is why I decided to create my own outfit for the night, and you know what? I looked better than everyone else there. Take that Mariah, you fat bitch! You might be able to sing a little HIGHER than me, but can you make your own clothes? No? HA!

Anyway, back on track, I thought I'd explain to you all how Hung Up means more than just a bit of shimmying and fannying around on the tube with a radio. I decided to take the line "Time goes by so slowly" to a whole NEW LEVEL, and revived my style for the single to some time between 1979 and 1985, thus proving that time has indeed, gone by slowly. More than just a hat stand fellas!

Now, you might be thinking "Hold on Madonna, just WHERE do you get the inspiration for such amazing outfits?" Well, let me tell you how - it's my beautiful daughter Lauren, or Louise, whatever her name is. I went to see her at her gymnastics class, and the muse struck me! What could be cooler than a purple studded leotard? One with a CORSET BELT of course!

As I'm in a revolutionary mood, I've decided Kablahblah could do with a kick up the arse. Red string is so last year. As you can see, it's all about purple tassels this season, so all you fashion sistas out there get down to your local haberdashery pronto!

The final touches to my outfit consisted of dunking some porn star platforms into a vat of PVA glue, and then sprinkling glitter on top (watch that you let them dry first though, I'm still having trouble trying to prise my left shoe off), followed scalping Farrah Fawcett. And that is all there is to it!

Right, now that's all done, I'm off to go sweep some chim-chim-en-eys, and maybe drop in at Buckingham Place to say hi to Liz and have some tea and crumpets, because that's what you British people do, isn't it? Wonderful! Cya later fashion fans!

Madonna x