Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Friday, February 16, 2007

Brits: Happening All Over Again 

We didn't feel that we should be the only ones to suffer by sitting through the entirety of the Brit Awards, so we got Laura, our Fashion Correspondent to do the same. Well, we've never claimed to be nice, have we? Anyway, she decided that the only way to get through it was via the crutch of alcohol, and who can blame her? Here's what she had to say on the whole affair:

Well, I'm going to have to start this halfway through the first award, because believe it or not, I was washing my hair. I timed it well though as Muse (the best band in the history of the world) have just won an award for Best Live Act. Dom is wearing one of the two jackets which he owns. Matt really needs to buy Dom a new one, and prise the GHDs out of his hands. Poor Chris is ignored. Again.

The dreary and as inspiring as Saddam Hussein Snow Patrol are on to sing Chasing Cars to us. Again. Just in case we had been living, oh I don't know, on Saturn for the past year and have missed its totally undeserved chart run. Thanks Snow Patrol, you thoughtful cunts! You'd have thought with all the royalties they had earned from their SMASH HIT (yet not Brit Award winning) SINGLE, they'd be able to afford clothes which were not purchased from Primark, wouldn't you? It makes you wonder if they'll be joining Robbie any time soon?

I also have to ask why Fearne Cotton, the definition of all that is wrong with showbiz today (We adore Fearne Cotton, personally. she's like an employable Chantelle - Flum), saw fit to wear a dead leopard dress tonight. Not only was animal print fashionable LAST YEAR, but even then it screamed Kat Slater which, if you ask ME, is not the look you want to be going for at an internationally respected awards show. So respected indeed, that awards are only handed out to people who can be fucked to turn up. Unless you're Justin Timberlake, but who would say no to him?

Other highlights from the night included the lead "singer" of Orson donning a baseball cap and sunglasses, lest he should be recognised on stage, accepting an award (To be fair, if he hadn't worn the baseball cap then everyone else would have needed sunglasses as the powerful stage lights reflected off of his entirely hairless forehead - Flum); The Fratellis for being so god damn rock and roll that they had, not cocaine, not moet, but IRN BRU. You know when you've made it when you can drink that one out of the bottle then pour it on your bandmates, eh kids?! It's also worth adding this comment from my jumbled, drunken notes - "They're thanking people. I think. I cannae oonersten' thaieyr wee scottee accents."

The Killers perfomed. Brandon made it very clear that he had somewhere better to be on Valentines night by donning a very smart tux. His bandmates had less of this sort of class, with the guitarist and bassist both appearing to have refused any contact whatsoever with a hairdresser for the past 15 years, and the drummer turning up in what looked like his pyjamas. (If we had to go to the Brit Awards we'd make sure we'd be prepared for sleep as well - Flum) Amy Winehouse also performed tonight and, aside from the beehive on her head, she really was fabulous. Girls Aloud - watch and learn. (Tsk! - Flum)

The Arctic Cunteries tried to show how 'crazy' and 'eclectic' they REALLY ARE tonight, by dressing up as characters from both the Wizard of Oz and the Village People for their thank you speeches. If it wasn't for the totally emotional thank yous we got from them - "This. Is. Much. Appreciated. By. Us. All." - I'd be led to think that they couldn't actually be fucked to turn up because they are 'too important' for all this awards show nonsense now. Let us not forget that just a year ago, they were unknown scraggy haired twats from Sheffield. Now they're arrogant scraggy haired twats from Sheffield. (And despite their unfatomable success the bloke from the cover of their album is still more recoginsable than they are. They could walk around singing "Hey, Hey We're the Arctic Monkeys" (Do you see what we did there?) and most people would still be none the wiser, thus missing out on an exciting chance to throw things at the talent free tossers - Flum)

Corinne Bailey-Rae was also doing a turn, and her performance was so interesting that it pushed me to more drink. The best part of her song - aside from the ending - was the bit when there was so much glitter in the air, that she was LITERALLY obscured from view. Sadly, they'd cleared it all up by the time we got to see the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, so their awful 'stuck in the 70s' outfits were there for all the world to laugh at. Well, Britain, anyway.

The best moment of the night HAS to go to Sophie Ellis-Bextor - and, by extension, Steve Tyler I suppose - after she pointedly remarked that not all of the international acts were American and followed it up with a so-cold-it-could-freeze-your-blood glare. Sophie - I salute you. And the fact that they played the original of that Girls Aloud/Sugababes catastrophe does not bode well for Comic Relief does it? (But not playing their cover of it does bode well for the two bands' careers, as the less that particular mess is associated with the various girls, the better - Flum)

Honorable mention goes to Joss Stone tonight. You have to respect someone who struts on stage, as pissed as she was, with hair like THAT. Not to mention a dress which looks like something Britney Spears vomited on, and lest we FORGET her drunken ramblings and the most embarassing moment of the show tonight, which will follow her for YEARS to come. (But it does have the effect of dissuading those who would have otherwise spent many years following her around like a lovesick puppy. Um, not like us, of course. Poor Joss :( - Flum)