Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

10 Things We State About... 

Despite many people's fears, the fuel protests which were supposed to be taking place across the country today have failed to make much of an impact. Well, unless you're the editor of our local newspaper, who has decided that the headline that most sums up a state of affairs which most people would describe as "Business as usual" is "FUEL PUMPS RUNNING DRY". Of course, this complete indifference to their actions is a good thing as everyone involved in this protest is a selfish cunt. Indeed, the only way that any protester could be even more cuntier would be if said protester was Jamie Cullum. Anyway, perhaps they might have had a bit more success if they had a protest song behind them so, to crowbar tie in with this news story, here's ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about Protest Songs:-
  1. Actually, Catatonia did do a song in support of the original protests. It was called Fuel and, much like the event which inspired it, it was irritating, mistargeted, self-indulgent and served no useful purpose whatsoever.
  2. The first known protest song has been dated back to the early 1800's. It was about a horse.
  3. The life story of revered protest singer Woody Guthrie was told in the 1995 movie, Toy Story.
  4. While protest songs may differ in the political message they're trying to get across, one thing they all tend to have in common is that they're absolutely godawful.
  5. By saying "That Bush, he's a bit rubbish, innee?", Green Day are now considered to be the most political band in the world, ever.
  6. The only causes that are considered suitable for immortalisation in a protest song are those that have a good rhyme.
  7. The most recent protest song to hit the number one spot is James Blunt's You're Beautiful. Every time it was played people would phone up the station to protest at having to hear the insipid warbling for the umpteenth time that hour.
  8. The lightness of touch which characterises the lyrics of most protest songs is comparable to a clawhammer bearing down upon a quail's egg.
  9. Buying a protest song won't change the world, but it will help assuage your guilt, so it's all good.
  10. Billy Bragg is a star.