Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

10 Things We State About... 

Some people, although not anyone you’d actually want to spend any time with, are getting quite excited about the fact that Led Zeppelin are about to make a big wodge of cash for putting in the minimum of effort to a bunch of uncritical dinosaurs who would applaud even Jimmy Page walking on, shitting in the centre of the stage and walking off again with so much unbridled enthusiasm as to generate enough heat to speed up the onset global warming by sixty years, ironically enough, a time scale equivalent to the average age of people in the arena. Or ‘reform’, as the organisers are spinning this particular moneymaking extravaganza. If you’re lucky enough to have never heard the band, you may be unaware as to why people are getting hot under the collar about this - although if you’ve heard the band you’re likely to be equally clueless - then here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about the band which may clear things up:-
  1. Robert Plant once owned a dove farm, but gave up on the business after a particularly, umm, ‘loving’ year betwixt his birds caused him to have more baby animals than he was able to cope with. This incident was immortalised in the song Whole Lotta Dove
  2. Page and Plant sounds more like a firm of solicitors than a rock duo. In every sense of the word ‘sounds’.
  3. Led Zeppelin fans like to claim that the band wrote the book on rock and roll behaviour, meaning that between them they’re written one more book than they’ve actually read.
  4. Jimmy Page was really into Satanism, making him just as cool and individual as a socially awkward, overweight, Dungeons and Dragons playing student.
  5. Famously the band didn’t ‘do’ singles. Unfortunately they did ‘do’ albums. And overlong, bloated, solo packed, godawful albums at that.
  6. A lead zeppelin is something which logically cannot exist. See also A Good Led Zeppelin Song.
  7. Even in the seventies their hair was considered laughable.
  8. Robert Plant’s face is often used as a practice surface by trainee geologists. They’re often amazed at what turns up in the cracks.
  9. The drummer died. He was the lucky one.
  10. Rolf Harris‘ cover of Stairway to Heaven shits on the original.

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