Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

10 Things We State About... 

With both the Isle of White Festival and Download kicking off this weekend, it's safe to say that the festival season is now in full swing. More so if you're planning on going to the Big Band Weekend in Bolton. If you are going to any of the big events this summer then we're sure you'll have an ace time - unless, of course, you're going to Download, in which case the exact opposite is in store - but bad times are possible at these things. To give you an example, we were at Reading one year and saw Cast do a set. We've never been the same since. To help you get the most out of the experience here are ten entirely useful and in no way facetious tips on festival survival:-
  1. Don't bother camping unless you really can't help it. If God had intended us to spend our nights asleep in tents he wouldn't have invented builders, architects, or the Travelodge chain.
  2. If you simply must do the canvas thing, don't worry too much about remembering which tent is yours. Odds are someone else will have a much better tend than yours so you're better off just claiming that and arguing the case if the rightful owners turn up. Given that all tents look largely the same, this is unlikely.
  3. At festivals you will make many new and exciting friends who, at three in the morning, will seem like the greatest people you've ever met and you'll wonder how you ever managed to get along with out their insights and hilarious antics. Do not, whatever you do, give them any sort of contact details, as in the cold light of day you will never ever want to speak to them again. If, on the other hand, you do want to make contact with them, then you are the sort of person who they will never ever want to speak to again.
  4. Unless you bring your own, don't bother taking any drugs. Not unless you have a burning desire to spend all your money on some paracetamol, some brown powder that smells suspiciously like gravy, and some moss scraped off of a nearby tree. Oh, and you have a burning desire to feel like your entire body is burning.
  5. Try not to eat or drink anything over the weekend. If you do you'll only need to go to the toilet and that's really not a good idea. If you feel the need to consume or hydrate yourself in some way, wash it down with that Silica Gel that they use in shoe boxes to absorb moisture. It's probably not poisonous.
  6. As you queue for the showers, try not to think about how many people with verrucas have used them before you. Or how many people have decided to indulge their time management skills by peeing in there at the same time. Instead try thinking about how, if you don't bother cleaning your bits, easy it'll be to get a seat to yourself on the bus back home if you stink to high heaven and appear to be 73% mud.
  7. You will meet some hippies. This is unavoidable, but just remember that they're more scared of you than you are of them.
  8. It is perfectly legal to punch anyone you see wearing an oversized novelty hat of some description. As John Reid himself said as he introduced the law, "It's the only way they'll learn".
  9. Instead of bringing food, clothes, provisions, wash stuff or anything else you might think will come in useful, instead fill your rucksack with as many wellies as you can cram in. If it rains then they'll pay for themselves thirty times over. If it doesn't then you can use them as weapons to intimidate other people into giving you the food, clothes, provisions, wash stuff and anything else that will come in useful.
  10. Oh, and try and see some bands. You might as well, really, while you're there.

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