Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Picks of Nine 

X Factor finally got round to announcing who the final 9 acts in the show are last night and, over the next however many weeks they decide to stretch it out for, we will be bringing you our thoughts on the show every Sunday, or at least until we get bored and lose interest in it, and by 'thoughts' we mean a number of bitter jokes that are in no way related to any feelings of jealousy we might be having that these people actually have a talent which could well garner them fame, money and respect. To kick off, and quite possibly finish, this exciting new feature, lets have a look at the finalists who have been deemed to be the most talented people in the country. Or, to be slightly more accurate, the 9 most talented people left after everyone who was involved in Popstars, Pop Idol, Fame Academy, Opportunity Knocks, etc, has been evaporated from the quality pool.

First up is Sharon Osbourne's group of young people - apparently being over the age of 24 now means you're past it. These are undoubtedly the dullest and most pointless contestants in the show. There's Roberta, who we can remember little about and appears to have all the X-Factor of a 23 letter alphabet. Cassie we're unsure about as, on the one hand, she's very pretty, but on the other she sees Jamie Fucking Cullum and Katie Melua as good things, thus leading us to believe that she's the spawn of Satan, which probably reveals why she likes Jamie Fucking Cullum:- You've got to stick up for your dad, haven't you? Last, but not... well maybe he is, actually, is Tabby who's the 'indie' choice. You can tell he's indie because he has dyed red patches in his hair - just like The Noise Next Door - and has a tendency towards wearing tight fitting brown clothing. Indeed, Tabby is so indie and so much against the concept of selling out that the instant he was told at his audition that they would put him through but not his band, he immediately took the chance to stick two fingers up at the man and their commercialisation and plasticisation of music and, umm, promptly acquiesced quicker than a cheetah with diarrhea. He apparently has a lot of personality, but so far all this seems to consist of is his having an Irish accent, which isn't quite the same thing.

Next up we have Simon Cowell who's been lumbered with the OAP group, the only real difference between them and the young 'uns, though, is that there's less of a tendency towards mini-skirts and unnecessary hairstyles. Steve, a man who will soon be getting fed up of the epithet 'Twinkly eyed' being applied to him, is probably the star choice out of this group, certainly we'd put money on him being the housewife's choice, possessing as he does a spark of life, the aforementioned twinkly eyes, and a pretty decent voice. Rowetta doesn't so much possess a spark of life, as has the entire national grid in her knickers, but it's hard to see why she's involved in this show given that she was in the Happy Mondays and Black Grape, something which seems to be curiously unmentioned during the show. Finally we come to Verity who is the sort of dull, competent singer, who could no doubt carve out a decent career wearing a spangly dress and working as a singer on a cruise ship. She's not, however, by any stretch of the imagination a popstar. Not unless you consider Jane McDonald to be a popstar that is. We don't really understand why Simon's been so keen to put her through, to us she just seems like the sort of woman a sad, middle-aged man might see as a bit of a wank fantasy and... Ah! Suddenly it all makes sense.

Finally we come to Louis Walsh's groups category. We're somewhat wary of this as while on the one hand, he can claim credit for Girls Aloud, on the other, he has to take the blame for Westlife. Piles of shite are heavier than bubbles of joy, so the scales of quality aren't exactly weighed in the public's favour. His final three included Voices With Soul, who seem to mistake soulful harmonies with bellowing out the tune as loud as you can. We could warm to them, though, if they learn the meaning of the word restraint. 2 To Go also made the finalists, something which we're sure at least one of them never saw coming. Arf! We quite fancy the girl, so we'll wish them well. Finally, we have G4 who we still think are incredibly fab and so, in the absence of Jax, we're giving them the dubious honour of being our tip for the top. We're sure they're very proud, especially given that our support generally indicates that the act in question is going to be heading for the scraphead with a resounding crash. Sorry in advance. G4 are still the only genuinely unique and interesting act in the competition and while, fair enough, there is a certain whiff of novelty hanging over them like a cloud of hairspray hangs around Christina Aguilera, we'd still rather see them do well than the crowd of identikit popstrels which make up the bulk of the finalists.

That's it for now, join us next Sunday when we take a look at the first live show and ponder on whether whoever gets voted off first deserved it. Unless we've found something better to do, that is. Or we forget.