Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

10 Things We State About... 

Apparently some sort of sporting tournament begins on Friday. The Under 14's Interscholastic Rounders Cup, we think it's called. Something like that, anyway. If you're inclined towards gambling, we suggest you put a bet on Wales to win the whole thing - trust us, you'll get fantastic odds - though personally, for reasons far too irrelevant to go into, we're backing Poland. Polska gola! To 'celebrate' this event - and why is it that someone saying they want to spend the whole month watching football is seen as perfectly normal and well balanced, but if you mention just once a desire to take the entire summer off to watch Big Brother, sleeping when they sleep, waking up when they wake up, getting drunk and having pointless, yet aggressive arguments when they get drunk and have pointless, yet aggressive arguments, etc, you're looked upon with a mixture of disdain and pity - here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about Football Songs:-
  1. Buying a football song doesn't instantly mark you out as a twat. Playing one, on the other hand, does.
  2. Given the vast amount of talent displayed on football songs, it's a statistical anomaly that no football players have become critically revered singers.
  3. That song by Blackfoot Sue, Standing in the Road, was written by the burly physio of non-league Farnborough Town.
  4. Vindaloo, Fat Les' entry in the canon of world cup songs, aggressively declares that "We all like Vindaloo". Our mate Nick from Durham doesn't. He hates it. Never trust Keith Allen.
  5. The Lightening Seeds Three Lions was offered to Scotland before becoming the English anthem it is today. The original opening lines ran "We're staying home, we're staying home, we're staying. We are staying home"
  6. The tradition of football songs began when the powers that be behind the clubs realised that not only were the fans keen to have a song that would unite them behind their team, but would also buy any old shit if it had the club colours on the front.
  7. When filmed in the recording studio, singing along to the chorus, there's always one member of the team who has one hand on his earphones, just because he saw them do it in the Band Aid video and reckons it makes him look like he knows what he's doing.
  8. If you're good at shooting you'll probably get a lot more out of a football song; pumping yourself full of so much heroin you can't even see is one of the few things that makes the experience of listening to one palatable.
  9. Football fans like to call the feral, aggressive, atonal grunting shoutfest that they like to partake in while watching the games 'singing'. Bless.
  10. Seriously, Polska Gola!