Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

10 Things We State About... 

Currently propping up the number one spot in the charts is Tony Christie with Amarillo and, while he might be old, at least he's not Elvis so we have to give him some credit. Some people may well be wondering just who the hell he is, in which case here, for your delectation, are 10 entirely true and in no way made-up facts about the wrinkly old crooner:-
  1. In 1990 Tony won the 100m gold medal for Britain at the Barcelona Olympic Games. His achievement was overshadowed, however, by the tight lycra shorts he wore, leading to the euphemism "lunchbox" entering the UK lexicon.
  2. Since writing this song, Tony has acquired a Route Master in-car tracking system and can now easily find his way to, amongst others, Amarillo, El Paso, Austin and Dallas. He's buggered if he knows how to get to San Jose, however.
  3. As well as being able to fly like an eagle, prowl like a lion, leap like a salmon and walk like a panther, Tony is also able to turn his head round 180o like an owl and wash his own arse like a cat.
  4. Tony is also a successful actor, appearing in such classic films as Lobster Man from Mars, The Bad News Bears Go to Japan and Not With My Wife, You Don't!, but is probably best known for dressing up in drag to star in Some Like it Hot alongside Matt Munroe.
  5. Tony owns the auction house Christie's. It's mainly used to sell of items which he bought new when a child but are now, due to his advanced years, officially antiques.
  6. Not only did Tony do what he did for Maria, he also did it all before love came to town.
  7. The popular cartoon series, Christie Tips and Alistair, was launched on the back of Tony's popularity. Each episode featured Christie getting into all manner of scrapes with his big, badly drawn dog, Alistair, with hilarious results. At the end of each episode, Tony would always turn to the camera and offer the watching an audience a tip on how to make it in the music industry. The series was scrapped after 5 episodes, only 2 of which made it to air.
  8. During the eighties, when no-one gave a shit about him, let alone his music, he recorded a concept album called Tony the Lonely, it consisted of 45 minutes of him weeping and cursing the name of every women he'd ever known. It concluded with the sound of him making a cup of tea, before listening to the radio, though experts believe that this was less an avant garde statement, and more the result of him forgetting to switch the tape recorder off.
  9. He's also the voice of the Frostie's tiger.
  10. Peter Kay isn't as funny as he used to be.