Sunday, December 19, 2004
It's Cliched to be Cynical at Christmas
Or so sang Half Man Half Biscuit in their musical tirade against miserable buggers at Christmas time. It failed to make it into VH1's recently published top 20 Christmas songs of all time... ever! But various other tracks, some worthy, some not so worthy, did. We're miserable buggers all year round, but even so, lets see if the Christmas spirit fills us with some more positive thoughts as we take a look at what they believe to be the finest songs ever to trouble the novelty laden Christmas charts.
- 20. Bon Jovi - Please Come Home For Christmas // Oh, for fuck's sake. Even Living on a Prayer could be classed as a better Christmas song than this.
- 19. Aled Jones - Walking In The Air // Who could fail to have their heart-warmed by this yuletide tale of a lonely boy who makes friends with a giant snowman, who takes him off to a magic land filled with other scary looking giant snowmen and then melts, ironically being unable to take the sort of heart warming caused by the sun coming up. Of course, the sequel to this was never shown on British television, consisting, as it does, of the young boy going back to school after the Christmas holidays, telling all his mates about what had happened, then promptly getting the shit kicked out of him for being such a pathetic div and then being moved into a special needs class due to his rather shakey grasp on the concept of reality. Flying snowmen, indeed.
- 18. Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmas Time // Paul, the third most talented Beatle (It runs Ringo, George, Paul, John), was clearly having such a wonderful Christmas time that he could only spare 5 minutes back in 1979 to toss off this simplistic slice of seasonal saccharine, before returning to tuck into the nut cutlet that Linda had lovingly prepared for him, all the while trying to convince himself that it's a succulent, juicy, turkey. Still, Hilary Duff has covered this, making it good by association.
- 17. Band Aid 2 - Do They know It's Christmas // The definitive version of what is, quite frankly, a very poor track.
- 16. David Bowie / Bing Crosby - Little Drummer Boy // Despite the awfulness of this track, we doubt that either of the involved parties are actually that embarrassed by it. Bowie has all manner of dodgy skeletons lurking in his back catalogue, so one more is unlikely to make much of a difference, while Crosby is not only old and senile, but is also dead, so is unlikely to actually have any memory of this recording.
- 15. Frankie Goes To Hollywood - Power Of Love // There were all sorts of excitable rumours going around this summer that Girls Aloud were going to be covering this for their Christmas single, presumably based around the fact there was a lyrical reference to FGtH in Love Machine. These proved to be entirely unfounded, which is a good thing as, much as we love the Girls, we don't really think they would have been able to do this justice.
- 14. Mud - Lonely This Christmas // The perfect soundtrack for weeping into your microwavable turkey meal for one after having too much sherry and realising that even the residents of Albert Square are having a better Christmas than you are.
- 13. Elton John - Step Into Christmas // Ah, the days when Elton was good, and not just an old man who confuses being obnoxious with having star quality.
- 12. Cliff Richard - Mistletoe And Wine // Many people claim that it just wouldn't be Christmas without Cliff, though we're pretty sure that some religious types might have something to say about that. This song does reveal Cliff's links to football hooliganism, using the same mangled pronunciation to fit "Christ-E-An" into the chorus as they use to fit "Eng-Er-Land" into any 3 syllable song structure.
- 11. The Darkness - Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End) // Oh, for fuck's sake. It was bad enough last year, but now it's considered part of the canon of Christmas songs? Will we never be free of their cock-rockery?
- 10. East 17 - Stay Another Day // Brian Harvey refused to take heed of the song title's advice during his time on I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here, instead buggering off after few days, but at least it meant that he discovered that no-one was interested in giving him a new record deal a lot sooner than he would have done had he stayed in the jungle. This is fab though.
- 9. John Lennon - Happy Xmas (War Is Over) // The fourth most talented Beatle released this in a bid to get world peace to happen via the power of song. A noble sentiment, but we feel he'd have had more success if he'd promised to quite the music business, should world peace get declared. Dictators around the world would have been queuing up to sign non-proliferation agreements if it meant the world would be freed from the fear of new material from the speccy scouse twat.
- 8. Bing Crosby - White Christmas // Many popstars dream of a white Christmas. They can often be found desperately hoping and looking for snow, although for some reason they tend not to scan the skies for signs of clouds, as we would do, but instead prefer to search the insides of toilet cubicles for all their white substance related needs.
- 7. Wizzard - I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday // Roy Wood certainly does, this being the time of year where he makes the vast majority of his yearly income. While the sentiments expressed in this song are undoubtedly laudable, they would ultimately result in chaos throughout the land as people start fighting over food, what with none of the shops being open. As the population begins rioting in supermarket warehouses, the army would end up being called in and martial law would end up being declared, leading to a country living in fear, it's spirit crushed under the jackboot of an evil general. We're sure that this isn't what Roy had in mind, so we suggest that he re-records it under the title of I Wish it Could be Christmas Every Other Day (And the Other Day being Christmas Eve, When All the Shops are Open, not Boxing Day, when only Furniture Shops Are). This is, admittedly, a somewhat unwieldy title, but we don't think that will stop Roy as he has already released the similarly clumsily named I Wish It Could be a Wombling Merry Christmas Everyday. Yes, with the Wombles.
- 6. Mariah Carey - All I Want For Christmas Is You // Listening to this upbeat slice of pop genius, you almost forget that Mariah is an annoyingly neurotic woman with only a handful of memorable tunes to her name.
- 5. Band Aid 20 - Do They Know It's Christmas // Oh, for fuck's sake. Presumably the people who voted for this had been living in isolation for their entire lives and this was the first and only song they'd ever heard. Even the people involved in it are now beginning to admit that it's an absolutely dire piece of music.
- 4. Slade - Merry Xmas Everybody // Ah, much like the song of the cuckoo heralds Spring, the Christmas season's arrival is announced by the sound of drunken men shouting "It's CHRIIIISSSTTTMAAAAAAS" during the wrong chorus when this gets played in your local drinking establishment.
- 3. Wham! - Last Christmas // Wham! were actually really good, you know. Not that you'd realise this from either George Michael's solo stuff or from this weak and cloying tale of lost love. Nowadays of course, George has shunned the concept of long-term relationships, preferring instead to masturbate in public toilets. We are so relevant and up-to-date.
- 2. Band Aid - Do They Know It's Christmas? // The original and the, ummm, well first. This was the first occasion that Bob Geldof and Midge Ure guilt-tripped a bunch of celebrities into recording a crappy song, all agreeing to it with one eye on the nice profile boost that such an involvement would give them. Since releasing this track, the power of music to change the world was demonstrated, and famine was instantly eradicated, with all the poverty stricken areas of Africa instantly transformed into lush pastures, filled with happy children, verdant rice fields and healthy live stock. We think. It was either that or no-one actually realised that a problem which is caused by underlying political reasons throughout the continent and hugely unfair global trading concerns should really have those dealt with first, otherwise throwing money at the problem isn't, ultimately, going to solve anything, and will lead to similar blinkered attempts to throw money at problems caused by war in other parts of the continent in 20 years time, thus perpetuating a cycle and continuing the belief in many people's eyes that Africa is a continent which constantly needs to rely on hand outs and is unable to stand on it's own two feet. Still, Midge has managed to sell a few extra copies of his autobiography on the back of this, so it's all good, isn't it?
- 1. The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl - Fairytale Of New York // Well, yes. This is one of those universal truths that we've all heard about, and if anyone wants to argue, you're wrong.
