Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Saturday, February 28, 2004

Thoughts of the Pops 

We're off out tonight to see Easyworld. Not literally, the world, as any fool knows, is anything but easy and rejection, failure and heartbreak lies around every corner. No, instead we're off to see the indie band who's current album isn't quite as guitar pop fabulous as their debut (or the mini-album) but is still pretty decent, so we're expecting good things. Don't worry though, despite the indieness of tonights adventure, we still retain our pop heart and to prove this, here's what we learnt from last nights Top of the Pops:-

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Top of the Popstars // Part 2 

Well, The bottom half of the list of the Top 50 Popstars of all time wasn't exactly an awe-inspiring list of all that's good in music, was it? Never mind though, the top of half of the list must be something special if all the crap has already been dealt with, surely? You'd think so, wouldn't you...So, we've seen the bottom 49 members of the list, there's been highs, there's been lows. There's been pop stars of such jaw-dropping fabness that we had to go to the doctors to have our mouth re-attatched, there's also been artists of such poor quality that we very nearly tore off our own ears, so fearful were we of ever having to hear them again. However, we're now at the top of the list and we're about to reveal who, according to sales figures, is the best pop star ever. Clearly this person must be some sort of glittery god. An icon who makes all who come into their presense bow down and worship. So who is this ultimate pop star, this behemoth astride the music scene, the one person who's yawn is better than every single other item of recorded music... ever!? Lets do the big reveal!

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Top of the Popstars // Part 1 

Well, the show wasn't as bad as we were expecting - the links were amusing, the tone wasn't too sneering and they even played Ultrasound's Stay Young over the credits. Even though, it was still ultimately a pretty disappointing experience. This was mainly down to the fact that despite it being billed as being about the top 50 pop stars, it was just a list of the top selling artists based on total single sales, this means that some of the members of this list are somewhat, emm, interesting. Anyway, here's our look at the lower half of the chart.Well, wasn't that a depressing list? Still, we're only half way through though, join us tomorrow (or, depening on our laziness, possibly Thursday) for the top 25, which features such iconic figures as Blondie!, the Spice Girls! and, ummm, Boney M?

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Four What It's Worth 

This evening Channel 4 will be showing The Ultimate Pop Star, a countdown of the 50 best pop stars... ever! We don't have high hopes for this programme - it's hosted by Smashie and Nicey, which doesn't bode hugely well, and they're basing their list on sales. Just because someone's sold a lot of records doesn't necessarily imply they're a great pop star; look at Dido, she's sold more records than we've had hot dinners (3 by the way, we never got the hang of using an oven) but even her biggest fan would be hard pushed to describe her as a pop star, but then, Dido's biggest fan would be hard pushed to string a sentence together. Equally, not selling many records doesn't make you a rubbish pop star, just an unsuccessful one. Look at Pete Burns of Dead or Alive fame for proof of that.

Anyway, despite the expected rubbishness of the show, we'll still be watching it. Over the next few days not only will we giving our views on their top 50, but we'll also be providing our own list of the top ten pop stars... ever! Ignoring sales, this will partly be based on important factors such as glitteryness, aceness of songs, general "Fuck me!" factor, and, on a similar note, how attractive we find them. Mainly though, our list will be based around the first ten names that come into our head when we sit down to write it, which means it'll probably be slightly more meaningful than the real one.

I Yam What I Sam (and Mark) 

In a response to our claims of same-sex sexual tension in the Sam and Mark performance on Top of the Pops, Atom suggests that should the unthinkable happen and they get allowed to release a second single, they should dress up in sailor costumes. We agree, and we imagine that the results would look something like this:-

They did come from Pop Eye-dol, after all.

Friday, February 20, 2004

Thoughts of the Pops 

It's come to our attention that Jordan may be about to sign to BMG and release a record. We're not big fans of Jordan here at TiaPL, mainly as the only reason she appears to be considered attractive is the fact that she has large breasts. That alone does not make someone attractive, if it did then Fatman Scoop would be the considered the most gorgeous person to ever walk the earth. But that's by the by - mainly as we don't wish to entertain the image of Mr Scoop in a thong bikini - Jordan releasing a record isn't necessarily a bad thing, if it's anything like the description that can be found at the bottom of this page then it would likely be one of the 117 Acest Things in the World... Ever! (and we'd like to point out that there's also an excellent description of a potential Nicola Roberts single on page 2 of that thread). Unfortunately though, it's more likely that it'll be a dull dance-lite number with more emphasis on the video than any sort of musical fabness. We also expect that the video will feature a number of high camera shots. But anyway, if Peter Andre can get back onto Top of the Pops thanks to I'm a Celebrity... then why can't she? Here's what we learnt from Peter, and the others, on this weeks show.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

What a Load of Brit 

So. The Brits then. Before the event we weren't exactly too optimistic about the excitement value of these awards. Some might say that it's a bit ignorant to have an opinion before the event, but we disagree as we find it saves time in the long run, something which was proved tonight by the 'entertainment' spectacle of what we just witnessed. So, lets have a post-mortem then, shall we?
Opening the evening's entertainment we had the Black Eyed Peas doing Shut Up. This started off with live strings, which was possibly the most excited we got during the show. The American 'street' scene which they were performing on was about as convincing as a dog dressed up as a housewife walking on its hindlegs. There was also, for reasons which were never adequetely made clear, a mini-basketball court at the far back left of their set. The only plausible explanation we have for it is that it was to give everyone sometihng fun to do during the rest of the event. Their performance was, to be fair, decent enough, but it's hardly a big sparkly, guns blazing start to what is supposed the UK's biggest music event.

After this Cat Deeley appeared sitting astride a giant champagne bottle. Reasons for her hosting the event were never adequately made clear either. We did consider offering commentary on the outfits that she wore over the course of the programme, but we'll save time by summing them all up in two words - "ill" and "advised".
Best International male

Damien Rice
50 Cent
Sean Paul
Justin Timberlake
First award and it's presented by Shania Twain. Jesus wept. As the nominations were being announced the crowd remained distinctly silent until 50 Cent got a mention which was about as surprising as discovering your foot hiding inside your shoe. Justin won, again, not a surprise given the mediocrity of the shortlist, and gave a speech which we were going to describe as the dullest ever, but was on a par with the rest of the speeches we have to come on this night of a thousand yawns.
Best British Group

The Darkness
The Coral
Presented by Martin Kemp, presumably because... actually, no, we can think of no reason why he was presenting this, and despite the geniusness of Gold we can't really see Spandau Ballet collecting an Outstanding Contribution to Music award, though we did see Tony Hadley collecting his dole money on a regular basis up until his appearence of Reborn in the USA. Sugababes should really have won this, but as the main point of the ceremony appeared to be to try and boost the credibility of the joke-now-worn-thin cod-rockers The Darkness, they were awarded the prize. Modest as always, they declared that they "probably are the Best British Group". The deluded fools.
Busted were up next performing their cover of Teenage Kicks, in doing so they completely managed to stamp their own individual stamp on it and... no, actually, it sounded much the same as the original, but with 3 people singing, somehow turning the song into a paean to a gang-bang. We were extremely disappointed that they never did their trademark Busted jump in time to the "alright" bit in the chorus. We'll be writing a strongly worded letter to their mothers as a result of this.
Best Pop

Christina Aguilera
Black Eyed Peas
Justin Timberlake
Daniel Bedingfield
There was clearly some sort of technical fault when this was broadcast, as not only did Girls Aloud not win this, but they didn't even appear to be on the shortlist. Clearly heads will roll once this mistake is discovered. Anyway, the current winners, until it gets taken off them, are Busted who dressed up smart in suits, what with it being on the telly, like, and all their family watching at home. They seemed quite chuffed, although no doubt serious indie rocker Charlie wasn't too happy with winning best pop and will be running home to put on his Fierce Panda sampler to make him feel a bit less embarassed about his choice of profession. Oh, this award was presented by Avid Merion dressed as Mel B. the humiliating silence around the auditorium at his attempts at humour should maybe tell him that it's time to get a new schtick.
Best British Dance

Groove Armada
Basement Jaxx
Lemon Jelly
Yawn. Who cares? Not much to say here. The most exciting thing was Dermot O'Leary informing us that "Dancing is ace". He's quite correct, but you'd be hard pushed to prove it using this lot as evidence.
Up next is introduced as a "once in a lifetime" collaboration between Outkast and Beyonce, though we're pretty sure that they teamed up for a performance at the Grammys, so it's an interesting use of the word "once". It's also an interesting use of the word "collaboration", as in these circumstances it apparantly means "performing one after the other with some slightly dodgy mixing between them". Crazy in Love still sounds ace, though Andre 3000's performance of Hey Ya! wasn't exactly ice-cold, more kinda room temperature. The skeleton suit he wore was rather ace though.
Best British Rock

The Darkness
Primal Scream
Alternatively known as the "Band least likely to get you strutting your funky thang and generally making you smile" award, we're actually quite glad that this went to The Darkness, mainly because it should piss off all the proper rock fans, but partly because any prize that doesn't go to the Stereophonics has some redeeming features. The crowd were distinctly unimpressed by this award, giving no cheers whatsoever to any of the nominees. Hooray!
Best British Male

Daniel Bedingfield
David Bowie
Badly Drawn Boy
Will Young
Dizzee Rascal
Normally we'd be expressing shock at the fact that they gave Daniel Bedingfield a prize, but we were still in a state of mild disbelief after Kerry McFadden walked on stage and happily announced to the watching public that she'd just farted. Though this was probably no more of a bad smell than that caused by a Bedingfield related victory.
Should Cat Deeley's lack of presenting skills ever be discoverd, and it's not like she does a lot to keep it a secret, then she should consider a career in acting, as she showed a similar level of talent in that field as she informed us that we had to go to the news room for some breaking news. Cut to an embarassing skit involving claims that 50 Cent had been detained on his way to the Brits for questioning and would be unlikely to be performing at the event. We then see a police interrogation room where 50 is being questioned about what he's doing in the country. We suspect, and if true this makes the whole sorry sequence one of the most humiliating ever seen on television, that the coppers doing the questioning were cast members from The Bill. 50 attempts to explain that he's just here to rap, cause it's all about the music, man, though the foolish police people don't believe him, thinking he's up to no good. And given the constant furore over race-relations in the Police force, we're sure they're ecstatic about being portrayed in such a way. Anyway, naturally 50 is a bit pissed off about this, so he busts out and goes to perform anyway. Had any of this actually been real, we're not sure that performing on national television in front of a massive backdrop spelling out your name is really the best way to remain undercover and avoid re-capture.
Best British Urban

Big Brovaz
Dizzee Rascal
Amy Winehouse
Or alternatively the "Lets throw all the vaguely black sounding artists into a group to try and make people think we are with it" award. Lemar won, we'd have prefered Mis-Teeq, but we found it hard to get too excited over this one. We look forward to them introducing Best British Rural act next year, as we already have a fiver on The Wurzels.
Best British Single

Dido - White Flag
Mis-Teeq - Scandalous
Jamelia - Superstar
Rachel Stevens - Sweet Dreams: My LA-EX
Gareth Gates - Spirit in the Sky
And once again, this list appears to be lacking in Girls Aloud-ness. We'd claim it was a fix, but Phixx aren't even in this either! Something is very much amiss when a crappy charity cover gets into the shortlist but one of the greatest pop record of recent times doesn't even get a sniff of the glory. This award was won, for reasons that will escape us, even if we devote the rest of our lives to trying to find out why, by Dido. In her acceptence speech she informs us that she was "pretty surprised to be winning", something which we easily related to. She also claimed that White Flag was "not the easiest song to write or to sing". Which is a big coincidence as it's not the easiest song to listen to either.

This award was present by Doctor Fox who, for those of you who aren't aware, is an amusing comedy character in this country. His gimmick is that no matter what he says, it's always completely wrong, with hilarious consequences. Who could forget him on Pop idol telling Michelle "You're a great pop star, you're gonna go far", or on his chart show telling the listeners "We've got a great number one for you this week", despite the obvious evidence to the contrary. He surpassed himself tonight by saying "These are the best Brits ever". Oh, the crazy loon!
As if to prove his point, next up on stage were Jamie Cullum and Katie Melua who decided that the best thing to do on national television was to take Lovecats by The Cure, a great little pop song, and murder it, then fuck the corpse, before setting fire to it, and then, as a final act of indignity, piss all over it. While laughing. This was, without a doubt, the worst thing we have experienced in all our years of listening to music. We were close to tears at what they decided to do to it. Surely someone must have heard their version before it went to air and could have told them just how painfully dire and horrible it was? We've still not recovered from the mangling we experienced and probably never will.

Seriously, it was really fucking bad.
Following them, and we can't imagine that anyone wanted to follow that, quite how people managed to resist throwing things - eggs, fruit, glass bottles, their own limbs - we don't quite know, but it was fortunate for Muse as it meant they dind't have a slippy slidey stage to contend with. What they did have to deal with, though, was the fact that the show's organisers feared for the ugly-factor of rock's most proggy sons, and insisted of flooding the stage with green and white light so that you couldn't make out the wasted facial features of a life devoted to guitar histrionics. A blessing, we feel.
Best International Female

Alicia Keys
Christina Aguilera
Kylie Minogue
Missy Elliot
Certainly a better shortlist than the scraped together group we get for the British list, this should have gone to Christina as, and we cannot stress this fact enough, and we're going to put it in italics to try and hammer this point home, Beyonce only has one good song. To claim she's the best female because of that is like trying to claim that The Bloodhound Gang are the finest songwriters of their generation on the basis that The Bad Touch was really quite good.
Best International Group

Black Eyed Peas
The White Stripes
Kings of Leon
The Strokes
We dunno what Jack White is on, but we'd quite like to have some, given their acceptence video. Other than that, there's not much to say about this category, other than "what the fuck are Kings of Leon doing being nominated". So we will. What the fuck are Kings of Leon doing being nominated?
Up next to try and take this awards ceremony out of the level of rubbishness which, thus far, has been equivelent tof "waking up to discover your nose has fallen off", are Alicia Keys, Gwen Stefani and Missy Elliot. They give us a version of Kiss which, to it's credit, featured kissing noises leading up to the "Kiss!" bit. To it's discredit though, there was no "I think I'm gonna dance now" bit, and the change from the "girl/world" rhyme to "boy/toy" was very unsatisfying. Still, it was better than Melua/Cullum, but then eating slugs would be better than that.
Best British Breakthrough

The Darkness
Jamie Cullum
Dizzee Rascal
Had Jamie Cullum actually won this we would currently be a gibbering wreck sitting in a corner of a room rocking slowly back and forth muttering "thrown into the sea" over and over again, possibly even including a few snatches of "do-do-de-do-do" skatting as well, while sharp objects were kept well out of our vicinity. Fortunately though, insanity was kept at bay as Busted won this one. Though we're not quite sure whether they strictly count as being a breakthrough act, being, as they are, on their second album.

This award was presented by Chris Moyles. The twat.
Best British Female

Sophie Ellis-Bextor
Annie Lennox
Amy Winehouse
Not so much a case of scraping the bottom of the barrel, but more scraping the bottom of the barrel that you used to hold all your previous barrel bottom scrapings in, which you've now emptied. This is a very sorry list of contenders, we wanted Sophie to win by default really, and that's only because we loved Murder on the Dancefloor. We'd have rather seen Amy Studt on there anyway. As it turned out though, Dido won, which is another nail in the coffin for good pop. Though the Brits seem to be not only providing the nails, but a special power hammer and is cheerfully banging them in without any care for anything that gets in the way, be that glitter, excitement or thumbs. Everything gets flattened into blandness with them around.
Outstanding Contribution to Music Award is up next, and while we were holding on the slim thread of hope that this might be the year that B*Witched finally get the recognition they deserve, it ended up being awarded to Duran Duran. Justin Timberlake presented the award, giving a speech that he was in no way reading from an autocue. The band themselves seemed suitably humble, though not hugely impressed at having Justin present their award to them, before launching into a 3 song set that did not include Reflex, so was therefore immediatly slightly rubbish. Instead they did a good version of Hungry Like the Wolf, a piss-poor passionless version of Ordinary World and an OK version of Wild Boys, which is a lot less convincing when performed by a bunch of middle-aged men. We were pleased to note, however, that they had electric pads on the drumkit. That is a sound which really needs a comeback, we're fed up of realistically synthised beats, we want to be reminded that it's fake. We like fake.
Best International Breakthrough

50 Cent
Sean Paul
The Thrills
Kings of Leon
To be quite honest, we'd begun to lose interest at this point, though we did briefly get interested when we thought that Lemonescent were up for an award, though this dissapated quickly. We don't really understand the excitement about 50 Cent - if we wanted to hear someone slur their way through a song, we'd head to a karaoke bar at midnight - but he's not Kings of Leon so we fully support his victory.
Best International Album

Justin Timberlake - Justified
Beyonce - Dangerously in Love
Christina Aguilera - Stripped
The White Stripes - Elephant
Outkast - The Love Below/Speakerboxx
Nothing unexpected here, prize went to Justin. Fair play to him, we say. It's good to see that someone he's managed to carve out a successful career after playing Screech in TV's Saved by the Bell, unlike the rest of his co-stars, who went on to form 2wo Third3.
Final performance of the night and it comes from The Darkness. They do a decent enough version of I Beleive in a Thing Called Love and end it with Justin astride a massive pillar which rose out of the ground. Unfortunately though, the same lighting effects that Muse had were not used here, and we had to deal with the ugly fizzogs in terrible close-up detail, each wrinkle and line clearly visible. Fortunately it was after the watershed otherwise small children may have been freaked.
Best British Album

The Darkness - Permission to Land
The Coral - Magic and Medicine
Daniel Bedingfield - Gotta Get Thru This
Blur - Think Tank
Dido - Life for Rent
A list containing absolutely zero inspiring titles, there are two good things about The Darkness winning though. Firstly, and most importantly, they aren't Dido, and secondly their success tonight should hopefully send the value of our copy of the original release of I Believe in a Thing Called Love through the roof. Please send all offers to the usual address.
And, with that, the show came to an end, The Darkness performed a second song, so clearly there was no plan to give them as many awards as possible right from the planning stages, then the credits rolled and we sat back and wondered just why we put ourselves through the torture. Have we learnt anything from this? Well, no, other than the fact it took us longer to type this all up than it did to watch the show. We never learn from our mistakes, we can only hope that the organisers do. British pop is in a healthier state than these awards make out, and it's depressing that this is a showcase for the rest of the world to see our wares. We need to highlight our gems and stop showcasing our coal. Pop is precious, don't lets see it go the way of our film industry, we already have Dido as the equivelent of Love Actually. Don't let it go any further.

Sunday, February 15, 2004

Ace of Blades 

Yesterday we said that we'd be overjoyed if the Scissor Sisters came on stage and told us all to fuck off, so you can probably imagine how stupidly euphoric it made us when they came on stage and played lots of fabulous glitter-fuelled pop gems, looked like stars and generally set fire to the Venue in a way that should really have caused the sprinkler system to set itself off. We were even throwing some shapes as we danced like a fool. Not particularly good or stylish or rhythmic shapes, it must be said, but that didn't really matter, it was that sorta gig.

As a result of their general geniusness, we have decided not only to award the band a place in the 117 Acest Things Of All Time... Ever! list, but to award each member a place as well, so here, in order of aceness, is why:-

Saturday, February 14, 2004

Cutting Edge 

We're off out tonight to see Scissor Sisters. Not literally, though there may well be some ladies of the lesbitarian persuasion there. No, instead we're off to see the extremely fab and glittery band that you may well have heard of, especially seeing that they've been hyped to buggery over the last few weeks. We have high-hopes for this gig, indeed, we're so up about it that we're currently of the view that they could come on stage, say "Fuck the lot of you" and we'd still be claiming it to be the greatest gig that we ever did see. Seriously, we've not been this excited about seeing a band live since we went to see Half Man Half Biscuit last year, and we reckon that that is probably the only time that those two bands will ever be compared to each other.

No Good Adv-Ice Cream 

This is a picture of Girls Aloud. Now, as you look at it many thoughts are likely to be passing through your head, for example, the first one that entered our brain-space was "Wow! Nicola is actually in the centre of a picture for once". However, of all the ideas and impressions that flit through your mind as you look at the photo, it's very unlikely that you're thinking "What a bunch of porkers, those girls certainly need to lose weight from their lardy frames". Not, that is, unless you're the slimline and hugely attractive Victoria Newton, the Sun's resident gossip writer who despite having no discernible talent is still given two pages to fill every day. She decided to use this picture to illustrate this story, claiming that the band are being forced to go on a strict training regime to make them lose weight.

Now, anyone of a reasonably intelligent frame of mind would use this as a launchpad to take a stand and lambast the image obsessed music industry for making perfectly fit, healthy and normal sized young girls go thrrough a programme designed to turn them into anorexic looking sticks, thus encouraging the myth that you have to be a rake to be attractive. And given the rise of eating disorders among teenage girls, this is not a good thing. So, what does Miss Newton do? Well, she describes the girls as porky, and informs us that she likes the idea of seeing popstarts sweat. She positively revels in the complete evilness of what their management are doing. In short, she acts like a jealous cow who will hopefully be lambasted by the medical profession for the utter stupidity of what she's saying. Presumably she sees Atomic Kitten as being outstanding examples of feminine beauty, and not just a substitute for skeletons in anatomy classes.

Is This Desire? 

Love is everywhere, everwhere you look around. Well, it is if you belive love to be pink, heart-shaped, made out of cheap card and wilting slightly in the heat. We're not a big fan of Valentines Day here at TiaPL, not because we never recieved any cards and as a result are rather bitter, but because it encourages the radio stations across the land to play love songs, a style of music which is best suited to only being played in a soundproof bunker well away from human ears. Lyrically trite and musically unadventurous, they speak not of the raw passion and excitement that love brings, but instead they cover the dullness of being in a relationship that's past it's sell-by date, the sort of love that only exists because you realise that you'll be unable to get anyone better. In short, the emotions that you normally feel for a comfy pair of slippers, slightly warmed in the microwave. Oh, and while we're at it, "I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes" - That's not love. That's the initial stages of hypothermia.

Friday, February 13, 2004

Thoughts of the Pops 

Another awards ceremony has been and gone, but it was only the NME one and any event that thinks that giving any sort of prize to Kings of Leon, let alone one involving the word 'best', is a good idea can safely be filed away under "irrelevant, pointless and, quite frankly, laughable". Still, never mind, there must be some gems of musical enjoyment lurking in this weeks Top of the Pops? Surely? Ah well, never mind. Here's what we learnt from this weeks show:-

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Infernal Organ 

Once again it's time for dangerous invasive surgery to be carried out as we remove the TiaPL Splen from it's resting place inside the body and force it to dispense its pop knowledge in the way that only a lymphoid organ can. Here's the latest question:-

Ooh, boy, do you miss me like a hole in the head?


Well, it depends on exactly what hole you mean; if the hole you're talking about is that caused by a bullet, nail or any miscellaneous sharpened object, then no, I wouldn't miss you very much at all. And the metaphorical scarring that would appear after the hole had healed wouldn't exactly put me in a better frame of mind. On the other hand, if the hole you're talking about is that of the nostril, ear, mouth or eye variety, then yes, I'd miss you lots, though I wouldn't be able to articulate my pleas for your return. Something which would be rather academic given that I wouldn't see you to know when to plead, and wouldn't hear any response anyway. Oh, and I'd be dead due to being unable to breathe. The other, final possibility (though not as final as the previous one) is that you're wondering whether I'd miss you as much as I'd miss having one of Courtney Love's old band's songs going around my head. If that's the case then we would miss you a lot, after all Pretty on the Inside is definitely something that an internal organ can relate to.

Thanks again Spleen! If you have a pop-related question for the TiaPL Spleen then either mail us at talentinapreviouslife@hotmail.com or leave it in the comment box below. And remember, your own spleen is unlikely to be able to help you solve your pop conundrums. Why not ask one of your kidneys instead?

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Hearse The Plan 

We're off out tonight to see Death Cab For Cutie. Not literally of course; we have no desire to see Nicola in a hearse. Instead it's the American indie band who were named after a Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band song who are going to be entertaining us, though we'd rather see a band called Noises for the Leg to be honest. We imagine they'd sound like The Thigh Fidelity. Anyway, we're not sure if we're going to enjoy the band or not, but we did love the I Was a Kaleidoscope single, so we have reasonably high hopes for this gig. Support comes from The Silver Pill - presumably the one they have in mind is of the sleeping variety as the last time we saw them do a gig we were bored to tears.

Monday, February 09, 2004

Top Kat 

Kerry Katona, ex-Kitten, has just been crowned Queen of the Jungle in I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!, thus proving conclusively that girl-pop is better than punk, glamour modelling, pec-enhanced boy pop, football and whatever else the other so-called celebs did for their so-called living. This obviously comes as no surprise to most of us, but it's always good for the rest of the population to be reminded of this fact.

During her time in the jungle, Kerry spent much of her time squealing, putting unpleasant and foul tasting things in her mouth and living her day to day existence based on the whims of the Great British public, always aware that she could get dropped at a moments notice - an existence very similar to that of your average girl band member, which probably explains why she was so successful in this competition.

Kerry was, of course, a founder member of Atomic Kitten. While we can often be quite mocking of the Kittens on these pages, we do accept that for a while they were very good. Unfortunately after releasing Right Now, See Ya and I Want Your Love they visted the well of the pop ballad and drank deeply from it, becoming bloated and overloaded with the bland tasting nonsense that goes with it. Fortunately for Kerry though, she became bloated with a baby instead and left the band, so she was never quite tainted with the same blurred out lack of identity the other girls have. Even if she did make the mistake of marrying the ugly one out of Westlife, i.e. any one of them.

So, yay for Miss Katona. If Mysterious Girl is getting a re-release thanks to Mr Andre's appearance in the show, surely the time is right for I Want Your Love to re-enter the nations hearts? For anything else to happen would simply be insania.

Grammy: Miffed 

The winners of this years Grammys, officially the worlds dullest music awards, have been announced, and excitement, interest or any event of any note whatsoever is very hard to come by. Somehow Clocks by Coldplay managed to beat Beyonce's Crazy in Love for record of the year, though she did win some prizes for said tune in the R&B category. She also managed to win best R&B album for Dangerously in Love despite the fact that it only has one good song on it, which doesn't say a great deal for the state of modern R&B. Thankfully though, Coldplay managed to avoid winning any other prizes, though with the ultra-literal award categories that the audience have to endure, we felt that they'd have been a shoe-in for Dullest Band (Group or Duo) To Achieve Worldwide Fame, Despite Their Unquestionable Rubbishness. As it turned out though, they were beaten by The White Stripes. Actually, no. That's wrong. Thinking about it, it was The Von Bondies that they beat.

Other awards on the night went to Sting and The Dave Matthews Band. Probably. We can't really be bothered going to check to be honest, but that'd probably be about right. We did notice that Justin Timberlake was there, this time resisting the temptation to free pop-ladies from their restrictive brassieres. Clearly the shame of being known as a man that has touched Janet Jackson's breast is going to be hard to live down. But other than that it was all rather dull really. Still, The Brits are coming up soon, won't they be exciting?! Oh, right. Never mind.

EDIT: Apparantly Prince performed as well. This would probably have been quite exciting, though we must bear in mind that Prince is now religious and has removed all inappropriatly sexual songs from his live set, which is a move similar in wiseness to EMF reforming and not playing Unbelievable, so we'll remain somewhat sceptical about just how good it was.

Saturday, February 07, 2004

Pet Rescue 

This is Whistle the kitten. We first came across him when the bonza girls at CFB Goes Pop used him to illustrate an article about Atomic Kitten splitting up, presumably because it was the only way to get any feelings of sadness related to the news. The story which the girls nicked borrowed this picture from is regarding cats in Indianapolis being put down if they don't find a home. This upset us, we don't want poor Whistle to get put down, look at him, isn't that one of the most tragic sights you've ever seen? All Whistle wants is a bit of love, attention and a nice big bowl of cat food. Of course, given that the story this picture was taken from was published in 2001, the likelyhood of Whistle being cat food himself now is rather high.

It doesn't have to be like this though, we're joining The Pop's campaign to save Whistle and other kittens like him. Only kittens though, once they stop looking cute and potentially fluffy, we lose interest. Anyway, we're planning on releasing a charity single to help save Whistle. Our original aim was to get The Cure to re-record their classic hit Lovecats, but with a space between the "e" and the "c". Unfortunately though, when we called Robert Smith to ask for his help, he didn't seem too enamoured with the idea. Indeed, his exact quote was "How the hell did you get hold of this number? Who are you? If you don't stop bothering me I'll call the police, now fuck off" - which wasn't very encouraging. A similar reaction occured when we we contacted Nelly Furtado to see if she'd be interested in recording I'm, like, a cat. Don't worry though, whenever there is profile raising charity work to be done, there's always someone desperate enough to try and cling on to the last vestiges of their fame so, ladies and gentlemen, we present Ace of Base with Life in a Shower (Save Whistle From the Bin):-

We just need to free him
Save Whistle from the bin
He should be smiling
But instead he looks like poo
Life in a shower
Bedraggled in your hand
Hotline be dialing
And your cash will help him too

When every kitty's spurned
And his cage is closing in
You don't care about his world
So please notice his plight
I cried for him today, ah-ah ah...

We just need to free him
Save Whistle from the bin
Then we'll be smiling
And Whistle will smile too
Life in a shower
He needs a loving hand,
Some proper styling
And a nice fish flavoured chew

You cannot be his judge
Evil Jailier is his host
He's keeping him inside
And hides him from the world
Just look into his eyes
And you can't help yourself

You want to free him
Save Whistle from the bin
Just please keep dialing
And send your cash real soon
Life in a shower
A hairdryer would help
Cause he's just whiling
His life away, it's true.

Please Mr. Cat Catcher
Release him for a while
Teach him the reality of
A purring, happy life

We just need to free him
Save Whistle from the bin
He should be smiling
But instead he looks like poo
Life in a shower
Bedraggled in your hand
Hotline be dialing
And your cash will help him too
(repeat & fade)

A song that will melt the icy heart of even the coldest, evilist, kitten hating person, we're sure you'll agree, so this, alongside Busted's I'm Glad That I Saved Whistle will surely gurantee safety for all Whistle's, everywhere. Now, if only Girls Aloud return our call regarding releasing "No Good Mice", never again will a kitten need to live in fear. Unless they get given a home with the coldest, evilist, kitten hating person we mentioned earlier, that is.

Friday, February 06, 2004

Thoughts of the Pops 

Well, our prediction about February being the start of lots of exciting pop related things has, sadly, been proved pretty wrong. The only things that have happened this week of any note are that the Scissor Sisters album has been released, which is so obviously ace we don't really need to mention it and that Janet Jackson flashed a breast on television. Something which, to be honest, is pretty dull in and of itself, but also serves only to remind us of the rubbishness of the new Top of the Pops logo. Speaking of which, here's what we learnt from this weeks show:-

Sunday, February 01, 2004

Mr Spleen Shines Umpteen Things Clean 

We weren't planning on doing a Spleen piece this week, but as we were sitting pondering upon which was better, a house shaped like a peacock or chicken nuggets cut into dinosaur shapes, when our disfiguiring wound opened and the spleen popped out onto the floor much like a lump of uncooked meat. After we regained consciousness, we discovered that the spleen was back in it's rightful place, our wound was stapled togetther and a piece of disturbingly moist paper was lying next to us with this weeks question on it so, without further ado, and while we try and shake off the light-headedness we're currently feeling, here's the latest question

How do you say Deeee-groovy?
How do you say Deeee-gorgeous?
How do you say Deeee-Liiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttteeeeeeee?

Younger readers unfamiliar with "Groove Is In The Heart" may not fully be able to answer that question....

Alyson Tamara Guard-Matheson

So, it's Groove O'Clock then is it? What the young Oz-ian is referring to is their song, What is Love? Not to be confused with the Haddaway song of the same name. In this they start by asking us how we say many words beginning with 'de'. A conceit with starts well with "delicious", "delectable" and "define", is falling away slightly by the time we get to the misspelt "devine" and has collapsed intoa mess of building materials and word roots as we get asked the correct pronounciation of "delovely", "degorgoues", "degroovy" and the totally clutching at straws "dewith it". Anyway, the answer to your question is, undoubtably, "Groove is in the Heart is one of the best records ever made.".

The Spleen

So, there we go, despite his unexpected appearence, The TiaPL Spleen still comes up with the goods. We're heading off to hospital to get a tetanus shot now, as we're pretty sure these staples are doing us no good whatsoever. If you'd like to leave a question for The Spleen then feel free to leave it in the comment box below or e-mail us at talentinapreviouslife@hotmail.com.