Thursday, April 12, 2007
The Princess Diana Memorial Concert was presumably intended as being this year's 'big' concert, but it's kinda had it's thunder stolen by Al Gore's Live Earth event. Mind you, any event is likely to come up wanting against something whose stated aim is to save the world - as yet it's unclear whether they also intend on saving the cheerleader - but one whose sole purpose is to glorify the life of a disgustingly rich and supremely self-centred woman is really going to be pushing it in the 'worthy' stakes. As with Live 8, our coverage of the whole Live Earth event will be nothing if not comprehensive - although it's worth noting 'comprehensive' is not the same thing as 'funny' - but before we dip our toes into that particular pool of melted icecap water, here's a look at the artists lined up to perform at what is possibly the year's least essential musical event:-
- Take That - After the success of their comeback, which must have taken them by as much surprise as it's taken the rest of the country, Take That are now act of the moment. In sense that it's impossible for a moment to go by without them making another bloody appearance on whatever stage will have them. Come on, boys. We know you're chuffed about it all, but please, try and show a bit of decorum.
- Kanye West - Because Diana was famed for her love of hip hop. Though in a way she did spend her final moments embracing the street. Arf.
- Pharrell Williams - Another unlikely choice, but this is down to William and Harry, who have helped choose the line up. Their mum was a massive Superman fan and they've booked him under the mistaken belief that they've got Jor-El, Superman's Dad.
- Elton John - You'd have thought that anyone involved with Candle in the Wind 97 would do their best to distance themselves from anything that might even remotely remind the public of that painful, distressing time. We still remember how upset we felt when we heard the news that it had reached number one. We even, like many others, found ourselves feeling the urge to go and lay some flowers with a simple message of "Why?" outside the headquarters of the Official UK Charts Company.
- Bryan Adams - Apparently still going. By now Summer of '69 sounds less a glorious revel in the joys of youth and more the equivalent of The Flintstones theme.
- Orson - Amazingly, and despite all the unequivocal evidence pointing to this fact, the public have yet to realise that Orson are unadulterated mince on an epic scale, with a singer whose lack of charisma is matched only by his lack of hair and whose pointlessness is matched only by the singer's unshakable belief that, thanks to his cunning use of hats, we're all convinced that he actually does have a full, thick and lustrous head of hair.
- James Blunt - Presumably performing on the basis that seeing as Diana suffered during her life - a belief held firm by many of her supporters, who presumably confuse the phrase 'suffered' with 'lived in obscene luxury' - it's only fair that people at this gig should experience a bit of suffering as well.
- Keane - Performing because the singer, keyboardist and drummer are 7th, 33rd and 198th in line to the throne respectively. They''ll also be arriving in a special gold coach. There'll be three of them in the carriage. Arf!
- Rod Stewart - Diana often copied her hairstyles from Rod.
- Meatloaf - No, we're not exactly sure what he's doing on the bill either, but he's so got to perform Bat out of Hell, with its tale of a motorbike crash amended and updated, just like Elton, to cover the incident in France.
- James Morrison - The Frankenstein's Monster like result of putting a bunch of marketing men in a room and asking them to come up with something that will sell.
- Duran Duran - As a band who, during their heyday, crafted an image of obscene wealth, luxury and general moneyphilia, it's a fitting choice that they should be playing a gig to celebrate a woman whose day to day life matched that depicted in their videos. No wonder they were her favourite band.
- Andrew Lloyd Webber - They do realise that when it comes to musicals he writes them, not performs him. Watching him live on stage as he sits at a desk, ripping off a piece of classical music is unlikely to be much of a thrill. Though admittedly still a lot more enjoyable than watching him attempt to run through a medley of Cats' tunes.
- Bryan Ferry - Bryan has just released an album of Bob Dylan covers. What's even more worrying than that is that people actually bought it.
- Joss Stone - Well, it gives her an opportunity to wear a lovely dress at least. And perhaps being around a lot of people speaking in received pronunciation might help to remind her which side of the Atlantic her own accent comes from.
- The English National Ballet - It's all tutu much. Arf.