Wednesday, January 07, 2004
We've been to the year 2004, don't worry though, not much has changed and, unless you're particularly submarine obsessed, you're unlikely to be living underwater. This doesn't mean that this year is going to be uneventful though. Quite the contrary in fact, so here's a guide to all the exciting pop related things that will be happening over the next 12 months.
- The BBC's tactic of trying to make Top of the Pops so rubbish that it goes down so far, it comes out the other side and eventually becomes quite, quite brilliant fails to pay off and it simply becomes a crock of absolute shit.
- New Busted album moves in a more Enya influcened direction.
- In a radical change of image Christina Aguilera promotes her next album dressed as a giant badger.
- More cowbells.
Britney Spears gets married in Las Vegas while drunk, then divorced the day after(No, too unbelivable - Ed)
- Rachel Stevens displays the only part of her body that has yet to be salivated over by hormonal teenagers in FHM in a desperate bid to boost sales of her album.
- Rachel gets dropped. Hormonal teenagers appear to be upset with her manager. "What a cunt!", many are heard to exclaim.
- Only 4 different styles of music allowed in chart at any one time.
- Fast Food Rockers fail to 'ironically' end up working in McDonalds; even they won't employ them, claiming it'll lower the standard of the 'Restaurant'
- First all poodle pop group hits Number 1
- Before the new Oasis album is released, many critics claim it's the best thing they've ever done - the sort of album that will have all who hear it foaming at the mouth with sheer, rabid joy, such is it's brilliance, a genuine return to form, etc, etc.
- New Oasis album gets released. It's shit.
- Kelis' milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
- In a bid to boost their flagging profile, Phixx decide to pose naked in popular magazine for the curious gentlemen, Attitude.
- Phixx's stunt appears to be a success, all over the country the exclamation "What a bunch of cocks" is heard.
- Gareth Gates gets a new haircut.
- In an ironic twist, Atomic Kitten get bitten by an actual atomic kitten and find themselves developing strange cat-ike powers. Fortunately their ability to fill the charts full of watered-down covers is severely hampered due to the ease in which they become distracted by a ball of wool or something shiny. Not that this is, admittedly, hugely different to their concentration span now.
- Nicola from Girls Aloud becomes so perfect she ceases to have a physical form and instead exists only as pure thought.
- Michelle from Pop Idol ends up as a national joke. Oh wait, sorry, that was a 2003 prediction.
- The Strokes unveil a new bubble-gum pop direction.
- S Club 8 become less annoying as puberty kicks in properly. Dance routines, though, are hampered by self-consciousness.
- Babylon Zoo attempt a comeback as a remarketed Babylon World of Adventure
- We see comebacks for Daphne and Celeste, Living in a Box and Skee-lo.
- Jack White is seen informing the Entire Music Industry that they are "cruising for a bruising".
- Cheeky Girls revealed to be ferrets in disguise.