Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Thursday, April 21, 2005

The Most Beautiful Girls in the World? 

Once again the FHM readership have stopped masturbating over pictures of bikini clad Hollyoaks actresses long enough to vote in their annual poll of the world's 100 sexiest women and, as with last year, there seems to have been a printing error as Nicola Roberts has been placed at number 77, rather than her rightful number one position. It's quite clearly an error as in her place is Kelly Brook, a woman who, to our knowledge has done the sum total of bugger all since being a bit rubbish on the Big Breakfast, followed by being a bit better, but still quite rubbish, in Smallville. Whilst we await the pulping of the entire print run to clear up this terrible mistake, lets have a look at the all the pop ladies who have found their way into this years poll.

2 - Cheryl Tweedy - Cheryl can now add the title of Sexiest Member of Girls Aloud to her currently held positions in the band of Most Violent, Least Racist and Geordiest, though Kimberley reckons that she's in with a shot at the last one next year.

6 - Britney Spears - Proving once again that forgetting to put your dress on and dancing around in your smalls always increases your chances of getting a high placing, even if it does also dramatically increase your chances of catching a cold.

8 - Sarah Harding - Sarah's no stranger to the world of FHM as she was one of their High Street Honeys, a feature which was spawned once the management realised that it'd be a lot cheaper to get ordinary girls to send in pictures of themselves in bikinis, rather than having to pay 'celebrities'. This was also how a confused Daniel Bedingfield achieved his first publicity.

9 - Beyoncé Knowles - Despite her own protestations, it turns out that in actual fact she's not too bootylicious for the FHM audience. Investigations are currently underway to discover whether they'll also be able, with time and training, to handle all the jelly that she's got.

10 - Charlotte Church - Formerly the voice of an angel, with her recently discovered fondness for the wilder side of life, she'll soon be lucky if she has the voice of a brickie.

13 - Rachel Stevens - Despite our fondness for her, we have to point out that Rachel has all the sex appeal of a rubber doll, but given that a rubber doll is the closest that most FHM readers come to doing it with an actual lady, we can unbderstand why she's scored highly in the poll.

14 - Lindsay Lohan - She was was a one time teenage drama queen. A hyped up everyday wannabe, but she'll have changed her destiny; now she's a somebody. And she's definitely not had a boob job either. Oh, no.

17 - Jennifer Ellison - Jennifer is currently annoyed at not being involved in the second series of Hell's Kitchen. As this series is using members of the public rather than celebrities, she felt she'd be perfect for the show.

20 - Christina Aguilera - Has achieved her position due to FHM readership appreciating the fact that she's a strong, sexually empowered woman, in control of her own destiny and body, and not because they think she looks like a bit of a goer.

21 - Louise Redknapp - Clearly a collection of votes from polls in the late nineties have been included by mistake.

22 - Jennifer Lopez - Has scored higher than her fellow big-bummed popstar, Michelle McManus.

30 - Jessica Simpson - Jessica isn't just a pretty face, she also... Actually, she is just a pretty face.

32 - Joss Stone - Having recently had a number of dreams where we've been terrorised by a Joss Stone who was the very personification of evil itself, we've gone off her a little bit. Still, nice eyes.

35 - Nadine Coyle - Having come only third in terms of attractiveness within Girls Aloud, Nadine is currently angrily ordering their wardrobe manager to shorten her skirts by another couple of inches, disregarding the fact that this would officially make them belts.

37 - Kylie Minogue - Plans are currently afoot to tear down the Sydney Opera House and replace it with a new venue shaped in the manner of Kylie's arse.

39 - Delta Goodrem - Plans are currently afoot to tear down Delta's home, preferably with the dull and pointless chanteuse still inside.

42 - Holly Valance - Holly Valance is currently appearing nightly in Kings Cross Station where she can be seen in the interactive, improvisational 'living theatre' piece Have You Got 10p for a Cup of Tea.

44 - Kimberley Walsh - The sexiest Yorkshirewoman since Lisa Riley first walked onto the Emmerdale set in a typhoon of lipstick and estrogen.

55 - Christina Milian - Even Christina Milian herself probably has problems remembering who Christina Milian is.

58 - Mariah Carey - She'd like to thank everyone for their support, though not her bra, as it's by not having that support that's helped her go so far.

62 - Billie Piper - No doubt down to her improved profile thanks to her starring role in the new TV series, Billie's Exciting Adventures in Time, featuring Christopher Eccleston as her foolish assistant.

66 - Jodi Albert - The Girl Thing revival starts here.

77 - Nicola Roberts - Assuming that this isn't, as we strongly suspect, a mistake, then we guess we should at least be glad that she's actually placed this year. Besides, a truly precious gem can't be appreciated by just anyone.

83 - Anastacia - Well, there's always some comedy attempt to vote someone entirely inappropriate into these sorts of charts, isn't there?

84 - Dannii Minogue - While you might expect her to be disappointed at doing a lot worse than her sister, Dannii is actually overjoyed at her position, mainly because it shows that at least a few people still give a shit about her.

86 - Dido - Oh, for fuck's sake.

89 - Jamelia - Not only is she the legs of Pretty Polly, but with her recent announcement, she'll soon be in the running for the role of stomach of Mothercare.

93 - Stacy Ferguson - Or Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas as she's better known. Despite her fondness for wearing short skirts, she does have the cold dead eyes of a killer, which we imagine would be somewhat offputting.

95 - Hilary Duff - A lesser website would make a joke here revolving around a pun on Come Clean. We, of course, will resist such temptations.

98 - Frankee - Umm, quite. We can only assume that rather than voting for the 'ex-girlfriend' of Eamon and singer of the Fuck You Right Back answer song, the public actually thought they were voting for the S Club Junior - and probably not actually legal - singer, Frankie. Given her age, this would be quite disturbing, were it not for the fact that the average FHM reader is 13 so she's perfectly within their age-range.

99 - Avril Lavigne - Avril once declared that "I won't wear skanky clothes that show my booty, my belly or my boobs.". Since then - regularly catalogued by the always excellent No Rock & Roll Fun - she's been pictured in a variety of outfits that do just that including, on one memorable occasion, a Hooters outfit. But she is cute, so we'll forgive her her hypocrisy.