Tuesday, September 30, 2003
Also, while you're buying your copy, you could do worse than pop into your local Virgin Megastore where you'll find a copy of the ponymously titled debut album buy allSTARS*. This is a lost classic and deserves to have pride of place in anyone's record collection. Yes, even yours. Just remember the majesty of Land of Make Believe and Bump in the Night and let pure, simple common sense do the rest. And there's never been a better time to buy it as it's on sale for £2.99, which is, quite clearly, a bargain comparable to buying the moon for 2 Curly Wurly's and a copy of the Beano. Oh, and if you're feeling charitable, the one in Edinburgh has a copy of Everybody by Hear'Say for a quid. We were almost tempted, but then we remembered that Hear'Say were absolutely dire and dropping our pound coin down the drain would be a far more entertaining use of our cash, so we did. It went 'plop', much like their career.
Monday, September 22, 2003
Well, once again we've managed to pick a winner with our musical loves. Despite, or perhaps because of, our support over the last week, Siobhan's single managed to limp to the quite frankly embarrassing position of number 52 in the charts. Indeed, 'limp' probably doesn't do any justice to rubbishness of this result. This depresses us, so to cheer both us, and you, up we've posted this beautiful picture of her from yesterdays Sunday Times.
Friday, September 19, 2003
Hi, I'm Mark-Paul Gosselaar, you may remember me playing Zack in the ground-breaking television programme Saved by the Bell, the epoch-defining Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style, or perhaps from the earth-shattering Saved by the Bell: The College Years. It's possible that you might remember me as Cooper Frederickson from the 1998 film Dead Man on Campus, but, I'll be honest, there's more chance of you recognising me in my role-defining performance as Zack Morris in Saved by the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas. But I'm not here today to try and boost my profile (though I should point out that I am available for work), I'm here to speak to you about a matter that's close to my heart. Charity.
Tell me. What's £2 to you? To me it's 1.5 hours wages at the McDonald's where I work, but imagine you're a starving African man. All you want is something to eat. £2 could buy you a fish, if only you had that gold and silver coinage. But even better than that would be a fishing rod so that you could catch your own fish. Picture that image in your head, a hungry, starving man, perhaps with a small tear rolling down his face at the inhumanity of the modern world. It's not a nice image is it? Well, don't worry about it as I now want you to forget that image. The Oxfam adverts happily tell you that he doesn't want a handout, he just wants a chance to fend for himself, so keep your two quid to yourself for now, don't patronise him. And besides £2 is going to get the starving old man a pretty shitty fishing rod, basically a stick with a bit of string tied to it which is hardly going to help matters. I wouldn't be surprised if you handed it to him and he was so disgusted by this pathetic act of so-called generosity that he beat you around the head with it, showing surprising strength, despite his apparently frail arms. And you know what? He'd be quite right to do so. Imagine offering a starving Afeican man a stick and expecting him to be greatful. What a heartless scumbag you are.
Ahem. Anyway... don't wander off jingling your change quite happily just yet. I'm not done with your money. While £2 clearly isn't enough to buy happiness for a hunger-ridden father, it is enough to make one person happy. I want to introduce you to a young lady, lets call her Siobhan. Siobhan used to be part of a family, where she was treated badly because she was prettier, a better singer and had the loveliest hair the world has ever seen. Like many people in such awful situations, Siobhan escaped and headed towards the bright lights and glamour of London Records, where she believed the streets were paved with gold discs. And for a while her life did seem better, she was allowed to do her own thing and entered the top 20 once again, but soon the grey reality hit her and the sparkle faded. Now she finds herself stuck on the outskirts of the top 40, unable to attract a chart position worthy of her talent, wondering what happened to the better life that she once dreamed of, wondering why society, and in particular the record buying public part of it has forsaken her so.
You can help Siobhan. She doesn't want your sympathy. She just wants you to go to your local chart-return store and buy a copy of her new single Twist of Fate. It's not too much to ask. Just £2 will buy you a copy of CD 1, featuring an exclusive b-side and the Twist of Fate video. £4 will let you buy CD2 as well, featuring another exclusive b-side and an acoustic performance of Overrated. Please. Help us help Siobhan and help prevent her wearing a frown constantly, even when she's not looking moody for the camera. If you can't afford two pounds, she'll will happily accept a donation of eye-shadow, which she'll fall upon like a lion on a gazelle in a bid to feed her addiction. Remember, if you don't help Siobhan now, who'll be there to pick up the pieces when it happens to Heidi?
Thanks for listening, I've been Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Look out for my new TV Series where I finally break out of my typecasted strait-jacket. It's called Saved by the Bell: Class Reunion. I play an older Zack Morris, who returns to Bayview to meet up with my old friends, Slater, Kelly and Screech, and who knows, perhaps Mr Belding will make an appearance, it'll be a fun, zany comedy but with a bit of a moral message in each episode, but it'll be subtle, you'd never know it's there. In the first episode, Screech tries to learn magic, but he's not very good at it, even though he thinks he is and... Hey! Wait, come back... Don't run away from me... please love me
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Monday, September 15, 2003
This vision of loveliness is Siobhan Donaghy, an extremely fab young lady. Indeed, she is almost as fantastic as Nicola from Girls Aloud, (but not quite, obviously) despite her slightly dodgy eye make-up. But no matter, the reason we have put her picture up is not in a bid to increase hits by featuring attractive girls on the site (though that is an added bonus), but to draw attention to the fact that she has a new single released today called Twist of Fate which we would like you all to rush out and buy. Her last single, Overrated only managed to stumble to number 19 in the charts, thanks to reasons best known to the general public, i.e. you lot. Don't make the same mistake again or else we'll cry, and that'll make you really embarrassed and uncomfortable. So there.
We would also like to recommend the Rachel Stevens single, but we're not going to as she's got enough publicity as it as and we don't really want to encourage you to spend your money elsewhere this week. Rachel would recommend it herself, but she's a bit tied up right now. Ahem.
Sunday, September 14, 2003
I'm not proud, but I've just come to the worrying realisation that I really, really like the new Gareth Gates single, Sunshine. Sorry.
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
Anyway, we’re not too sure about Mr Rascal, party because we’ve only heard two of his songs:- I Luv U isn’t too bad, but is a bit busy for our liking, while Just a Rascal features the most embarrassing hook since a group of rappers decided to do a tribute album to Phil ‘Fucking’ Collins (and please note, that’s not gratuitous swearing, that’s his proper pop name, in a similar manner to Lee ‘Scratch’ Perry, Stephen ‘Tin Tin’ Duffy or Fred ‘Untalented Twat’ Durst), but ignoring that we’re mainly not too sure about him because we don’t think that ‘Rascal’ is a street enough epithet. If this is the standard nowadays, can we expect to hear new material by the likes of Mischievous Scamp or Naughty Boy? We do already have the Cheeky Girls, so he might be onto something.
Incidentally we’d like to make a complaint about the Radio One coverage. First of all it was hosted by Colin and Edith, whose only good point was that neither of them were Zane Lowe. Secondly Edith was championing Athlete. Not even Athlete were championing Athlete. Thirdly, they kept talking about how fantastic it was that it was such an open field this year and the fact that there was no obvious winner meant that it had been a fantastic year for music. Nonsense. The reason that there was no easy choice was because the albums chosen were so mediocre, none of them were strong enough to really stand out from the pack. None of the nominees are likely to be remembered in a year or so, only the Darkness are making waves right now, but that’s because it’s a good fun, party album, it’s not something that you’ll even remember owning in a few months. Which is not to say that this year has been entirely rubbish in terms of UK music, it’s just that the panel chose to ignore these highlights. Where were Ladytron? Where was Patrick Wolf? Where were Black Box Recorder? Where were Girls Aloud? Where were The Delgados? Where were British Sea Power? Where’s the love? Where did I put my keys? Where are we meeting tonight…
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
A. "I believe in a thing called Dove"
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
A. "Are you ready for Dove?"
Monday, September 01, 2003
This year 35 shows had the dubious honour of being seen by myself, some of them could be described as fab, many were OK, and fortunately only a handful were as dire as watching Scooch attempt a comeback tour. The highlight was, as anyone who has paid only a passing interest in my website or conversation over the last few weeks, Natalie Haynes, the best comedian I saw over the entire Fringe. Oh, and please note that that’s ‘best comedian’, not ‘best female comedian’ in a really patronising ‘good for a girl’ kind of way. She is excellent. Everyone I know who has seen her has fallen in love with her, and if you do get a chance, take the opportunity to discover her genius for yourself.
Other highlights included Sarah Kendall for being excellent, doing Donald Duck impressions and having a beautifully structured show, actually building on earlier parts of the show to provide later gags, and for having a fantastic hedge joke. My showbiz chum (i.e. I spoke to her three times and she thinks I’m a stalker) Tina Kim, for being ace, but also for showing remarkable self-control by not telling my friend where to go when he was being very drunk towards her. Half Man Half Biscuit, as I can now die happy having seen them live, even if the audience was full of slightly scary bald overweight middle aged men. Rob Brydon for bringing Keith to life on stage in a completely believable manner. Demetri Martin for showing that there is comedy beyond knob gags, despite what some comedians would have you believe, and Mel and Sue simply for being Mel and Sue.
Lowlights were basically the uninspiring Janet Street-Porter, having to work for two out of the 3 and a half weeks, and the state of my bank balance after the event. Still, I wouldn’t miss it for the world, and am already suffering withdrawal symptoms due to now having seen any live entertainment for a week now. But we’re gradually adjusting back to normal life, and my liver is certainly thanking me in no uncertain terms. The site will shortly be returning to it’s previous life, where, despite the name, it will still lack talent, but will have it’s normal music based slant back once again, probably beginning with an article on the rubbishness of pop ballads.
But anyway, lets have a moment silence to ponder upon just how comeNatalie Haynes is so perfect...