Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Monday, April 02, 2007

Music Week 

Natasha Bedingfield is back! And hopefully her fondness for wearing floaty skirts has not been diminished during the time she's been locked away coming up with a brand new, exciting, innovative and millennium defining sound, even if said sound does sound remarkably similar to that which she was turning out last time she cropped up in the charts. Her new single, I Wanna Have Your Babies is out now, but how will the in no way broody popstrel be spending this week? Let's have a look:

Like most pop stars, Natasha will spend the first day of release hitting the promotional circuit hard, but, unlike most pop stars, rather than doing piss-poor ten minute long phone interviews with local radio stations up and down the land, Natasha plans on visiting maternity words all over the country, where she will sing her new single in a bid to entertain the new mothers. Unfortunately this plan gets cut short after the mums get uncomfortable with the hungry look in the Lady Bedingfield's eyes as she surveys the room full of new-borns and Natasha is ordered out of the hospital with immediate effect. Later many patients are witness to an embarrassing argument in the car park between Natasha and her publicist as he attempts to explain to her that, despite what she seems to believe, at no time was her fee for the short lived appearance to have been paid in children.

Natasha is unhappy that the events of yesterday made it into the gossip pages of the tabloid newspapers and that's she's now being caricatured as some sort of weird, baby obsessed, childcatcher style person. To this end she goes into damage limitation mode and, having fired her PR team in her anger, takes matters into her own hand. "The best way to convince the world that I'm not wanting to steal someone's baby", reasoned the hormonally charged singer, "is to have a press conference and show the world that I've no need to steal a baby as I've already got one of my own!". A perfect plan, with only one drawback; the Bedingfield doesn't have a baby. After dismissing the idea of getting her brother Daniel to dress up in a nappy - if only because he'd be a bit too hairy to perform the role convincingly - Natasha decides to borrow one for the day. Alas, she foolishly returns to the maternity ward she visited yesterday, whose security guards have been issued both with photographs of her and instructions to treat her as a serious threat to the ward's security, and she promptly finds herself being arrested and charged with the crime of baby theft.

Natasha wakes up this morning in a jail cell, which doesn't depress her as much as you might expect. Mainly because, by looking through the bars at the children playing in the park opposite, she's able to convince her motherhood addled mind that she's cooing at the kids through the bars of a cot. While she's letting the waves of madness wash over her, the police visit her flat and are shocked to discover a full size papier mache model of a child made entirely from back issues of Mother and Baby magazine, a cupboard filled entirely with hand knitted baby booties and Daniel Bedingfield, walking around in a nappy, sucking a dummy and clutching a box of baby wipes with a hopeful expression on his face.

The police continue their investigation into the time bomb that is Natasha's biological clock, but feel obliged to release her on bail, if only because the ticking is keeping the other prisoners awake and putting the duty sergeant's teeth on edge. Despite leaving with a court order banning her from maternity wards, nurseries, Spice Girl look-a-like conventions, or any other places likely to see a large gathering of babies, it's not long before Nat finds herself hanging around Mothercare, trying on smocks, test-driving buggies, and generally making a nuisance of herself. She is eventually asked to leave after she makes a spirited attempt to take brother Daniel into the baby changing room where, if horrified eye witnesses are to be believed, she began to nurse him.

After luring the now aggressive and dangerous Natasha back into captivity via the use of a carefully laid trail of Cabbage Patch Dolls, the police, fearing the worst, decide to take extreme measures which, despite their unpalatableness to the general public, have been scientifically proven to neutralise the nurturing instinct in any pop star, no matter how broody. They make a quick trip to the novelty canine emporium and purchase for Natasha one ridiculous looking tiny dog, along with a selection of supposedly cute outfits which, if the pet could speak, would have it barking for mercy. With Natasha's maternal urges thus sated, society can relax for the ten years which the dog is realistically likely to live, by which point she, like Madonna, will have earned enough money to buy a baby without the need to go through the whole messy pregnancy business.

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