Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Future: Imperfect
Happy New Year! It's now officially the future, which means by law we all have to start dressing like Girls Aloud in the No Good Advice video. But while being arrested for not wearing a slightly poor fitting silver outfit is a certainty, what else 2006 has in store for us is slightly more vague. Fear not, though! As we're here to guide you with a few predictions of some of the things which will definitely happen in the next 12 months, or our name's not Pete Waterman:-
- The only thing that will surprise the nation more than a well predicted snowfall will be the revelation that Richard X is, in fact, Clive Dunn from Dad's Army.
- Daniel Bedingfield to be cast in the lead role for a TV adaptation of JRR Tolkien's The Hobbit.
- It's revealed that only one member of The Noise Next Door is actually real, the other two existing only thanks to a complicated mirror arrangement, when a member of the public becomes so incensed by the bands ineptitude that he attempts to punch one of them, ending up with only a fistful of glass for his trouble and literally shattering the illusion.
- The Take That reunion tour turns out to be a bit rubbish after all so we don't feel at all annoyed or aggrieved about the fact we never managed to get a ticket. Grr, etc.
- Other bands leaping onto the reunion bandwagon/money train will include The Dum Dums, Lemonescent and The Wamdue Project.
- Jem will release a single the equal of They and not make us feel a bit daft for hailing her as the future of pop, rather than the better looking Dido she seems to be aiming towards.
- Britney Spears to be admitted to hospital with closet related head injuries after a trip to the cinema to see The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe proved to be both inspirational and unwise for her.
- The Girls Aloud tour proves to be so exciting that after the gig every punter in attendance will find themselves ushered into a separate venue to watch a Phixx gig so they can come down safely before re-entering the ultimately disappointing real world.
- By the end of the year The Sugababes will have gone through so many line up changes that they're able to play Six Degrees of separation with themselves.
- The Pussycat Dolls become spokeswomen for oil of Olay, each demonstrating one of the seven signs of ageing.
- Cookie to have a second shot at the pop stardom lark, as they quite literally Do it Again.
- Shayne Ward to turn up in the album department by Christmas time. Well, he worked so hard keeping the singles section in order, his bosses at HMV felt he'd earnt a promotion.
- Rachel Stevens just gives up trying to be a pop star and becomes a full time FHM model instead. The magazine's readership don't realise that anything's changed.
- The Faders fail to get to number one with a big, punked out cover of Molly's Dad's big hit, Vienna, being beaten by Chico's version of Shadappa Your Face.
- Shane McGowan falls ill, but is swiftly replaced in The Pogues by Charlotte Church, who's even more swiftly kicked out due to her wild habits being far, far too much for the band. "Shane seemed like a puritan in comparison", one is heard to say, shocked.
- Texas, Katie Melua, KT Tunstall and Jamie Cullum team up to form world's least essential supergroup.
- Will Young to come out.
- Gareth Gates will half heartedly remind the world he still exists with a disappointing single release in the summer, before returning to his day to day existence of looking out the window, vaguely reminiscing on the days when he was as famous as Peter Andre.
- Maria Lawson to release a single so amazing that everyone feels foolish for not realising her potential sooner. Uh, much like we predicted for Susannah in Pop Idol 2. Oh dear.
- Westlife's record sales to continue on apace, in defiance of all logic.
- All of Darius's TV appearances to take place on BBC Scotland spots on charity shows, alongside Michelle McManus and the cast of River City.
