Monday, November 06, 2006
Parallel Lines
So! Not only is The Sound of Girls Aloud the single greatest album ever to leave a pressing plant, but it also offers a glimpse into what scientists have long speculated upon existing but have never yet been able to prove; a parallel universe. Yes, lurking as the last track on the bonus disc and proving beyond any reasonable doubt that you can't polish a turd is Girls Aloud's version of One True Voice's Sacred Trust. To be fair, their version is better than the boys' attempt, in much the same way that having a dog piss on you is better than having it bite your face off, but it does offer a horrifying vision as to what might have been. What, you may be wondering, would a world were One True Voice did Sound of the Underground and the Girls did One True Voice would be like? Well...
- After a disappointing second ballady single, the Girls split up and return to their old lives, with only occasional appearences on Loose Women and more and more contrived reality shows on Sky One to break up the monotony of their day to day existence.
- Riding on the back of the succesful re-emergence of the boyband artform, Phixx's career lasts a whole lot longer. They'd make it to four singles before the public got fed up with them with their sub Duran Duran - aceness of Hold on Me notwithstanding - nonsense. They still don't get to release an album though.
- Under the terms of her ASBO, Cheryl would be unable to use nightclub toilet's, severely curtailing her social life unless she remembered to bring a bucket.
- Our ownership of one of Nicola's shoes is rendered less impressive when not only does no-one give much of a shit about who she is, but many people around the country own items of her clothing as she starts selling large sections of her clothing on eBay in an attempt to make ends meet. She still charts in much the same position in FHM's Sexiest Women poll as she would have done otherwise, however.
- One True Voice sell out arenas around the country, followed by the cameras for their fly on the wall documentary, One True Story, as they tour their third album, Woodwork, opening the shows with the bonafide megahit, Technical Drawing, proving to all who saw it that there really was no escaping their penmanship. "The way that we draw, the way that we score, it's their on the floor".
- The erotic ballet school outfits, however, went down less than well.
- And the hairflicks to Wake Up Up were similarly unimpressive.
- Their cover of The Long Blondes' Weekend Without Make-Up, however, goes down a treat.
- Nadine actually has some flesh on her bones. And some trousers in her closet.
- Pete Waterman is hailed as the genius he still, on past form at least, deserves to be. Even if a disagreement with Xenomania over who invented the Xenomania sound sours relationships between the two camps.
- Kimberley the new face of Look North, and seems a lot happier for it.
- Charlotte Church would still be releasing classical music and she wouldn't have done her Channel 4 show. This parallel universe takes with one hand and gives with the other.
- Sarah still gets to indulge in her love of photoshoots, albeit for slightly more downmarket publications than FHM. And we're not talking Nuts. Although in a way, will.
- Without Girls Aloud to lead the way, the British Public still foolishly see Atomic Kitten as the eptiome of girlbands and their career continues on apace, the ferocity of their destruction of the musical landscape in marked contrast to the bandness of their music. Although Jenny Frost never does I'm a Celebrity and Liz Mclarnon never attempts a solo career. As we said before, this parallel universe has it's highs and its lows.
- Without the gap in the market, V never become more than than the twinkling in a music executive's eyes, making their career more successful overall than the real V.
- A furious battle rages between OTV and Westlife, although it's less a battle in the "with fists" sense and more an argument as to who has the most rights to dress entirely in white. It fizzles out once Daz and Persil begin sponsoring the combatants.
- One True Voice never becomes a good band name.
