Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Monday, May 07, 2007

Music Week 

It is, of course, Eurovision on Saturday, and we're sure Terry Wogan is already dusting down his book of Lazy European Stereotypes in preparation for his big moment. Let's hope that, unlike during Making Your Mind Up he can actually follow proceedings this time around. Unlike what he seemed to believe on the night, flying the flag for us are Scooch who'll be doing their best to do the UK proud. Or at the very least try not to embarrass as too much. With such a weight of expectation on their shoulders it's going to be a busy week for the boys and girls ageing men and women in the band, but what exactly is in store for them? Let's take a look:


It's time for that age old Eurovision tradition: the awkward photoshoot with Terry. As in recent years Britain's acts have performed in a manner which is only impressive as we watch with dread to see exactly how far down the rankings we can get, Terry is even more reluctant than normal this year to get involved, fearing that the stench of failure might cling to him more strongly than the old person smell of cabbage which tends to linger whenever he's in the room, initially refusing to even appear in the same photo. Fed up by this act of petulance, the PR girl politely but firmly points out that he should count himself lucky as there was a good chance he'd currently be required to be photographed with Justin Hawkins from the Darkness. Suitably chastened, he meekly allows himself to be photographed with Scooch, although he refuses point blank to put his arms out and pretend to be an aeroplane.


To help themselves get in the mood for the big event, Scooch decide to have a Finnish day before they travel to Helsinki. They plan on eating Finnish food, drinking Finnish drinks and doing Finnish things. Unfortunately this plan comes grinding to a halt when they realise they don't have any idea what traditional Finnish things are. Natalie brings along some crispy pancakes but is disappointed when someone points out that they're Findus, not Finnish.


It's time to go to Finland! And Scooch are all excited and keen to make their departure a big event. Alas, they turn up dressed in their stewardess/captain costumes that they'll be wearing for the performance and are promptly arrested under the Prevention of Terrorism Act, charged with impersonating flight attendants in a bid to cause misery and pain on a European wide scale. They are only released after the judge listens to their CD a number of times, although even then he's not entirely convinced their aims are entirely benign.


Helsinki! And in between rehearsals - which the other entrants are in no way watching and sniggering at - Russ is chuffed when an excited Finn comes running up to him to ask for his autograph. "See! They love us here!", he exclaims, the sheer joy of his emotion obvious in his voice, "We're so going to win this!". The others decide not to ruin his mood by telling him that the kid is currently labouring under the delusion he's just got one of Lordi's autograph. It would be more than he needed to know.


It's the day before the main event and, while undoubtedly platinum selling megastars in their home country, Scooch are painfully aware that their profile is somewhat lacking on a more international basis. To counteract this, today is largely spent attempting to press the flesh of the international media in a bid to boost awareness of the band's existence. Unfortunately they, once again, choose to do this in their flight attendant uniforms, which fails to increase Scooch's profile, but does leave the assembled media with a greater awareness of the benefits of flying business class with British Airways.


Eurovision night itself! The nerves get to Russ and he, getting confused about what show he's appearing on, flashes back to his time on Boys Will Be Girls and begins dressing up in Caroline's outfit by mistake, getting into something of a tizzy about the five o'clock shadow on his face. The problem resolved, the band go out on stage, perform their little hearts out and generally do Britain proud. They go to the green room, sit back, relax, and await the voting with hope in their hearts and the feeling of satisfaction of a job well done, knowing that this, this, has to be their night.


Leaving Finland with their tail between their legs, they take the plane back to Britain, doing their best to ignore the desultory headlines in the Sunday papers and the tomatoes of failure which are likely to be hurled at them as they attempt to make a quick and undignified exit from Heathrow. Poor Scooch.

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