Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Friday, May 11, 2007

Fashion, Don't You Know 

The Arctic Monkeys are undeniably, if unaccountably, popular, so it comes as no surprise that even they are being strongarmed into coming up with some sort of fashion range. Here at Talent in a Previous Life we like to be ahead of the game, so in a bid to spoil that particular launch, we sent our Fashion Correspondent Laura out to persuade Alex to write a few words about his own personal style. Over to you, Laura:

Before we start, I'm just writing a note to the Rest Of The World about this week's fashion piece. Alex Turner, being one of those 'pesky northerners' and therefore, uneducated, was slightly confused about what I was actually asking him to do and appears to have written his piece in the style of one of his songs. And it isn't even a 'I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor' type classic. Oh no. He's written it in his mother tongue. So, for the benefit of everyone who regards everywhere north of Watford as 'The North', I've provided a rough translation to each section. Hopefully this will be of some use to you. Laura x

Alex Turner's Guide To Not Letting Skiving Ruin A Day's Work

It's 'alf past sevun an' ah've bin wokken up by GMTV
Ad stay in bed burr'av gorra pho'ershoot wiv NME
Faverut wurse nightmare staring mi right in t'face
Rush hour traffic annah just ant got the pace

Alex is starting his day by immersing himself in some highly intellectual material - GMTV. He'd prefer to chill out and listen to what the UK's finest TV presenters have to say, and maybe enter a few of their phone-in competitions. After last week's shenanigans though, when he rang in to answer the question 'What is England's capital city?' (His answer? C. Scotland) and was charged £26 for the 20 second call, he's not so sure it's the best plan. Luckily, just before that scamp Kate Garraway has convinced Alex to ring in with the answer to today's question - 'Just how awful is Avril Lavigne?' (A. extremely, B. I'd rather saw my arm off with a plastic butter knife, or C. Simon Cowell) - he realises he's due to attend a photoshoot for that bible of all that is shit, NME. Alex just can't be arsed, to be honest.

I dote really care, annit's not very fun
Ad rarver bi sat on me arse down t'pub

Alex doesn't really care about NME and would rather be at the pub. Fully aware that boozing your day away won't shift any albums (Lindsay Lohan, Robbie Williams, The Fat One From Keane, TAKE NOTE), the record label bigwigs are not pleased with this new plan.

I 'ate bein Alex from t' Arctic Monkiz
Ah gerraway wiv noffin while ma bandmates are junkiz
They can skive n gerraway wivvit all
Burrif ah dote turn up, thez a bloody uproar

Poor old Alex. He's somewhat disheartened that he's the face of the band, as this means he actually has to promote the album. The other three need not turn up. Ever. It's a fact of life that 96% of the Rest of The World would only be able to pick out Alex and the guy who is on the cover of the album out of a line up. And even then, the guy on the album isn't even in the band. Never mind Al, have a chat with Nadine Coyle and Brendon Urie about being the face and focus of the band. They'll be able to give you some pearls of wisdom.

Ah call up t'manager ter tell 'im am busy
Am on t'other end of phone, but ah know 'e sounds pissy
I 'ang up the phone en gerrin another beer
En ignore mi phone fran'ickli ringin in me ear

Alex decides to sod off down to the pub anyway, and let's face it, who can blame him? A day down the pub, or rubbing shoulders with people who hysterically declare week in, week out that 'RAZORLIGHT ARE THE BEST BAND!!!!!!! EVER!!!!!!!!!!'. The poor guy's reluctance to answer his phone to his furious manager is more than understandable really.

E's almost as bitter as t' beer in my glass
85K in a day? I'm avin' the last bloody laff!

Alex mocks his defenceless manager from afar, and laughs that his own daily salary sends out a big 'screw you' message to anyone who tries to take him away from the pub. What poor old northern Alex forgets here is that if he doesn't go to the bloody photoshoot, he will be getting sod all and, indeed, his manager will be the one laughing because he gets paid regardless.

I 'ate bein Alex from t' Arctic Monkiz
Ah gerraway wiv noffin while ma bandmates are junkiz
They can skive n gerraway wivvit all
Burrif ah dote turn up, thez a bloody uproar

You've seen this one before. Alex is being a miserable sod.

A birrov fit be'ind t'bar, tryin ter pull more than a beer
Ah tell 'er am gonna go far, so why dote shi come over ere
I ask 'er ter tek a photo so wi keep the manager at bay
Of us four lads drinkin the day away
Shiz 'appy to 'elp n wivva click of me phone
NME got their bloody photo n can leave mi alone

Aha! A stroke of genius! The barmaid who is somewhat overwhelmed at the fact that Alex from the Arctic Monkeys is in the pub with three of his greasy mates, and tries to take an impromptu photo with her camera phone to send to all her mates. Unfortunately, the flash of the camera and the hideously irritating faux click of the camera 'shutter' gives her game away. Alex, realising what she's up to, asks her to text the picture to his manager, who in turn passes it on to the NME journos. Everyone is happy!

I 'ate bein Alex from t' Arctic Monkiz
Ah gerraway wiv noffin while ma bandmates are junkiz
They can skive n gerraway wivvit all
Burrif ah dote turn up, thez a bloody uproar

Oh you've seen this one before.

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