Monday, December 05, 2005
Cheryl Tweedy's Guide to Self Defence
Hi! I'm Cheryl Tweedy! And, despite the fact that my stock facial expression is that of looking surprised after being caught doing something a bit naughty, I'm actually very rarely caught unawares. This is because I'm an expert in Wi Ai Man, a martial art which began life in the city centres of Newcastle and has since spread to find itself in use in any place where young men in short sleeved shirts gather. As the city streets these days can be a bit dangerous, mainly thanks, it has to be said, to the growing popularity of Wi Ai Man, I'm using this column to pass on some hints and tips to keep you safe and sound in the back of a police van facing charges of aggrivated assault. Isn't that nice of me? Yes, yes it is.
Join us tomorrow for Kimberly Walsh's Guide to the North
music girls aloud cheryl tweedy
- The most important thing about Wi Ai Man is that you must always be prepared. To constantly be able to fight at your peak requires sticking to a strict diet of at least 8 pints every night. Failing to do this leaves you at risk of both attack and being able to stand up properly. Do not underestimate the confusion caused to your opponent when you suddenly and without warning collapse onto the floor and start vomiting on their shoes.
- First of all size up your opponent. Don't assume that if they're shorter than you then you're in for an easy ride; they will have the advantage of speed and agility, while you may find your co-ordination hampered arms flailing pointlessly in the air above her head.
- If your nails are freshly manicured, try not to worry about them breaking, but instead take advantage of this and try and gouge out as much flesh as possible. Also, assuming you are fighting another girl, getting someone to video the proceedings and then post them on a pay per view website is a useful way to cover the cost of your eventual fine for being drunk and disorderly.
- Feel free to use anything within arms length as a weapon, be it a broken bottle, road sign, handbag, plank of wood or someone short. This will help you gain both an advantage and some civic pride by clearing up some of the town's litter.
- It's a bugger to wash out so, if you can, try and avoid drawing blood.
- Stiletto heels are your friend. And your enemy's enemy.
- If your boyfriend is fighting someone, don't feel shy about jumping in and giving him a hand. The more the merrier!
- Try not to fight while wearing a skirt if you can at all help it. It's just not ladylike.
- Don't take things to personally, once it's all over you'll both have to spend a long time in the cells together until you've sobered up and you'll want to make that time as pleasuarable as possible before the cold realisation of what you've just done sinks in.
- And finally, make sure you re-apply your make-up once the fight is over. You want to look good in your police mugshot.
Join us tomorrow for Kimberly Walsh's Guide to the North
music girls aloud cheryl tweedy
