Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Our look at the Live Earth line up continues, although if they don't get round to announcing who's appearing at the other venues sharpish it's going to come grinding to a halt pretty quickly. You know, with such a delay between announcing the concerts and actually announcing who's going to be appearing at them, it's almost like they're having problems filling up the bill. Still, we're sure that can't be the case. Here's the line up for the American leg of the gig, highlighting the fact that organisation is somewhat lacking in this whole affair is that this gig will be taken place at an as yet unknown venue. It was originally planned to take place in Washington DC, but some people complained that this would be a bit too political. And besides, it would interrupt George W Bush's afternoon nap, and if he doesn't get enough sleep he gets really cranky:
- Kanye West - Kanye, who's not averse to the odd political statement - and the slightly more frequent bouts of swearing - is doing both this gig and the Diana memorial concert. We hope no-one makes a connection between global warming and the vast swathes of vegetation which were destroyed in 1997, only to be wrapped in cellophane and placed outside Buckingham palace to provide a carpet of rotten flowers in time for Diana's funeral procession otherwise Mr West is going to look mighty stupid. There is a similar danger if he decides to turn up dressed in his majorette's outfit again.
- AFI - While it's possible you may give much of a monkey's about AFI, the chances of this decrease exponentially the further away you get from being a 14yo boy who's just been told to tidy his room for the third time this year.
Kelly Clarkson - Will sing Since You've Been Gone to a backdrop depicting pollution vanishing from suburban cityscapes which will suddenly become clean and sparkling as a result. Kelly will presume that this is actual documentary footage of the results of her performance and will be confused and disappointed when she returns to LA, steps out of the plane, takes a deep breath and nearly dies as she ingests 2 cubic tonnes of pure toxicity.
- Akon - Akon can currently be heard every five bloody minutes on commercial radio, "Wooo-ooh!"-ing his way through Gwen Stefani's The Sweet Escape like a frustrated penguin.
- KT Tunstall - Are they really this desperate for performers?
- Dave Matthews Band - Apparently, yes.
- Alicia Keys - Yes, Alicia is still going, mainly on the basis that she's beloved of critics because she can certainly sing. The fact that she tends to sing the sort of music that makes the inside of a kettle look interesting seems mainly to pass them by.
- Sheryl Crow - Sheryl has recently been demanding - although whether she hopes for this to be enforced by the law has yet to be made clear - that, when going to the toilet, people should only use one square of paper, "except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required.". This is clearly a ludicrous idea.
- Ludacris - "Yes", says Ludacris, "I did come up with it first".
- Bon Jovi - It's hard to imagine a man that wears that much leather taking much of an interest in the environment, but since ditching the hairspray and going for a more respectable hairdo - in an entirely relative sense of course - it's estimated that this act alone has increased the arctic shelf's lifespan by almost twenty years. Campaigners are currently targeting their invective towards the inhabitants of Hoxton in a bid to achieve a similar reduction.
- Melissa Etheridge - Earnest, reflective and brooding. Melissa, frankly, is not someone you'd invite to a party. Not unless you wanted someone to get rid of all your guests in a quick and painless - ish - manner.
- Rihanna - Well, someone has to do a song called SOS and it seems unlikely that Abba are going to reform for the occasion.
- Fall Out Boy - If the sea water levels rise then, Sugar, we're gonna drown. Arf!
- Roger Waters - This is a basically the Pink Floyd reformation for Live 8, only without the rest of Pink Floyd. And, indeed, much public enthusiasm.
- Smashing Pumpkins - In a bid to help avert ecological disaster, Billy Corgan and his band will be changing their name to Growing Pumpkins, and Other Vegetation, If You Like for the night, in the hope that people will be inspired to try and rebalance the plant/human mismatch.
- John Mayer - The Mayer, the merrier! This pun has never ever been used in connection with John Mayer, nor will it ever be lest he sue for libel.
- The Police - Not the band, but the actual police, who'll be on hand for the inevitable rioting which will occur when people realise that this - this! - is what they've paid for.