Thursday, December 08, 2005
Sarah Harding's Guide to Men
Hello. I'm Sarah Harding and, other than being blonde and a bit shouty, I don't really have much of a personality to speak of. Oh well. Even I'm struggling to keep myself awake as I compose this introduction, so I'm not sure how you're managing it. Or maybe you're not? Is anyone there? Hello? Well, if anyone is there, sit back, relax and enjoy my expert advice in how to get a man, lose him, then get another man, all before midnight!
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- First of all, and I really can't stress this enough, men are pretty stupid and, as long as you don't set your sights too high, it'd be a harder task to go home without having pulled than it is to succeed.
- Men like a girl who will laugh at their jokes, so follow up whatever they say with a big belly laugh. It's probably wise to drop this tactic, however, once you get into the bedroom together and he drops his trousers and asks you what you think.
- Hen Nights are the perfect time to pull, especially if you're the bride. Seriously, men aren't at all intimidated by a group of drunk, cackling harridians, preying upon them like lions prey upon wildebeeste.
- To make sure you stand out from the pack, do something special to get noticed. Why not try loading up your hair with so much product it looks like it's made of plastic? Men love lego so the thought of making love to someone who's hair matches that of the little lego people really appeals to them.
- Don't be afraid to give men what they want. If they ask you to suck, you suck! Men love a girl who's happy to do the vacuuming.
- Always dress to impress. If these means catching hypothermia, don't worry, it's a small price to pay for the joys of landing the man of your dreams. Or at least who's still sober enough to get you back to his flat.
- Make sure you carry protection. Always carry a pack of business cards with a fake number on, that way you'll never need to have to deal with him phoning up to tell you that "He loves you", or "Last night was so special", or "Give me back my wallet or I'm phoning the police".
- If you can, why not try becoming a member of a successful girl band? I did and it's done wonders for my pulling power!
- If you're tall, be careful about wearing heels. Most men don't like women who are taller than them. In fact, in my experience men prefer you to be roughly waist high to them.
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