Talent in a Previous Life

Friday, January 02, 2004

Simply the Worst?

Last night Channel 4 counted down The 100 Worst Pop Records of all time. Unfortunately there was clearly some mis-communication when this programme was being researched as virtually all the songs selected where fine examples of 3 minute genius. The show was a 3 hour long smug-fest, designed to allow rubbish comedians and commentators the chance to rehash some old jokes and generally make themselves out to be a bunch of arses. Are we really supposed to trust the opinions of people who happily call themselves Jupiter Joy and Diamond Dave? (We realise that we expect you to trust the opinions of someone who happily calls himself Flum, but that's not the point, who's on trial here?!)

Anyway, with this in mind, TiaPL has rather foolishly decided to present to you a complete review of every single track listed in the Top 100, so join us as we present The 100, In General, Actually Rather Good Pop Records of All Time... Ever!

100. Spaceman - Babylon Zoo // Great intro, OK, so the rest of the song doesn't quite live up to that, but it's still an ace track. Failing to have a follow up hit does not make a song bad.
99. C'est la Vie - B*witched // We loved B*Witched and had a major crush on Sinead which has now been rekindled thanks to their vid being shown last night. This is a technicolour pop masterpiece which ranks as one of the top pop moments ever. Oh, and it was incredibly rude which is always a good thing as, as every fool knows, all the great pop songs are about sex.
98. Rabbit - Chas and Dave // Snooker Loopy was worse than this. Next.
97. Do They Know It's Christmas? - Band Aid II // Exactly as bad as the original, so why isn't that on here as well?
96. Making Your Mind Up - Bucks Fizz // Fair enough, it's no Land of Make Believe and we would die happy if we never had to see that shot of the skirts getting whipped off again, but this is a decent slice of pop. Being a Eurovision song does not make a song bad.
95. Ebeneezer Goode - The Shamen // The Shamen did far worse songs than this in their time, LSI springs immediatly to mind. This one has clearly been included so that the "oh, it's about the evil blood-boiling, mind-fizzing drug ecstacy" argument could get brought up again. No-one was under any illusions that it was about a bloke known as Eezer and quite frankly, Mr C is possibly the best argument for not touching any narcotic substance that the anti-drugs lobby needs.
94. My Toot Toot - Denise la Salle // *shrugs* It's not particularly outstanding, but it's hardly anywhere near a list of worst songs ever. Clearly only included because "Toot Toot" might be referring to something a bit rude, thus leading to hilarious responses from the guests. Or not, as the case actually was.
93. Ebony And Ivory - Paul McCartney with Stevie Wonder // Actually, this one is dire.
92. Vindaloo - Fat Les // Despite our Scottishness, we really like this one, mainly because it is about a thousand and thirty-seven times better than the dull, Del Amitri produced dirges that we send our football team off with.
91. I'd Rather Jack - The Reynolds Girls // We'd rather have our own nose cut off and replaced with half a duck's bill than listen to Fleetwood Mac, so we fully support their sentiments.
90. MacArthur Park - Richard Harris // This is certainly the best song about soggy bakery that we've ever heard.
89. Remember You're A Womble // The Wombles // This is certainly the best song about remembering that you're a womble that we've ever heard.
88. Hello - Lionel Richie // Only on the list to give the X-List celebs a chance to slag off the, admittedly piss-poor, video. Having a terrible video does not make a song bad. (Though this song is pretty dire)
87. Saturday Night - Whigfield // Simple, fun, and Whiggers, as she was never, ever called, was rather cute. Being a european pop hit does not make a song bad.
86. Save Your Love - Rene and Renato // No arguments with this one.
85. Love And Tears - Naomi Campbell // If anyone can actually remember how this goes, then feel free to have an opinion on it. We can't.
84. Let's Get Ready To Rhumble - PJ and Duncan // Genius from the UK's answer to NWA. If it wasn't for Ant and Dec's current success, this wouldn't even be in the list, but it's there so we can all have a laugh at how they used to look a little bit different, i.e. they were younger. Channel 4, with this level of comedic observation, you're really spoiling us.
83. We Built This City - Starship // Oh, for fucks sake, this is pure pop excellence, if you don't like this, your soul lacks glitter and you should have it re-sparkled forthwith.
82. Do Ya Think I'm Sexy? - Rod Stewart // This is shit well beyond the call of duty.
81. American Pie - Madonna // Madonna has done two good songs in her entire career. This is neither of them.
80. So Macho - Sinitta // Not desperately bad, if hardly a shining gem in the pop crown. Not having dated spectacularly well does not make a song bad.
79. Love Is All Around - Wet Wet Wet // We hate and detest Wet Wet Wet with a passion normally reserved for people who have 11 items in the 10 items or less queue, but even we'd be hard pushed to list this as one of the worst songs of all time, we can think of at least 5 WWW songs which are worse than this as it is. Being ridiculously overplayed does not make a song bad.
78. The Laughing Gnome - David Bowie // We've never actually heard this track. It just gets lazilly referenced by people who don't care about music as a bad track as they've been told it's a bad track.
77. I Wanna Sex U Up - Color Me Badd // Lyrically a bit rubbish, but the song as a whole isn't bad, and the "Tick-Tock Get Up..." bit is fab.
76. No Limits - 2 Unlimited // Included so that we could all hear the always hilarious "No Lyrics" joke again. once more people ignored the fantastic riff, simple hookiness of the song and the fact that the girl was rather cute.
75. Wind Beneath My Wings - Bette Middler // We once saw Cannon and Ball do a cover of this song. You can make your own minds up over whether this was an improvement or not.

74. Dirrty - Cristina Aguilera - "

" - (We're speechless)

73. We Will Rock You - Five feat. Queen // This is virtually identical to the original, but you're unlikely to hear anyone calling that the 73rd worst pop song of all time.
72. I Lost My Heart To A Starship Trooper - Sarah Brightman and Hot Gossip // Included so that the commentators could make jokes about the dance routine, completely failing to note that the title of the show included the word records, not "dance routines".
71. The Floral Dance - Terry Wogan // This is certainly the best song by Terry Wogan that we've ever heard - the jungle reworking which was released for charity a few years ago was definitely worse than this.
70. Cotton Eye Joe - The Rednex // Nope, nothing positive to say about this.
69. I Should Be So Lucky - Kylie Minogue // We don't need to even begin to explain why this shouldn't be in here do we? Good.
68. Give Me Your Body - The Chippendales // Again, no-one is going to remember this so why on earth is it in the list? Oh yeah, to give the unoriginally opinioned fools the chance to make rubbish jokes about it. Hilarity, once again, failed to ensue.
67. We Are The World - USA for Africa // Fair enough
66. Doop - Doop // This is great, and you can sing along to it without much mental effort. Hooray! It is also one of only two songs which have been number one where both the artist and the name of the song have been the same, so it's a useful bit of pop trivia.
65. Perfect Moment - Martine McCutcheon // About as exciting as watching lager go flat.
64. Star Trekkin - The Firm // We loved this when we were young and it still puts a smile on our face now, which is surely what pop should be about?
63. We All Stand Together - Paul McCartney and the Frog Chorus // This is maligned mainly becuase of the fact it features frogs. This is great and is about seven hundred and thirty-five times better than anything, excluding Imagine, done by John Lennon (it's seven thousand, three hundred and fifty times better if you include Imagine)
62. I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That) - Meatloaf // Although it's slightly overwrought and nowhere near as good as Bat Out of Hell, this is not, by any stretch of the imagination, one of the worst songs ever. This was included so that the talking muppets could make jokes about what exactly it was that Meatloaf wouldn't do for love, despite the fact that it is made quite clear in the lyrics that he won't cheat on her. The twats.
61. Don't It Make You Feel Good - Stefan Dennis // Better than anything Delta Goodrem's done. Next.
60. I Wanna Be A Hippy - Technohead // Some things can't be argued over, though at least it gave us The Smurf's version - I've Got a Little Puppy.
59. Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep - Middle of the Road // There is a fantastic, if hard to track down, cover of this song by Lush, so we won't hear a word said against this.
58. MmmBop - Hanson // Again, one of the best pop songs ever written, so why on earth was it included? It couldn't have been for such a lazy reason as to allow the chumps on camera to make jokes about fancying Taylor because they thought they were a girl, surely? Oh.
57. Every Loser Wins - Nick Berry // Not as good as his cover of Heartbeat, but then, what is? (Answer: Plenty, and more besides)
56. Back Home - England World Cup Squad // About a good a song as you'd get if you put a bunch of meat-headed footballers into a recording studio. There are worse examples of the genre than this.
55. Mysterious Girl - Peter Andre // Decent enough summery pop tune, if pretty forgettable once Autumn comes. Main reason for being included seems to be that Peter Andre was a bit of a twat, but if we're going to call songs bad because the singer is an arsehole, virtually the entire history of recorded music needs to get cast aside. Having a dick of a frontman does not make a song bad.
54. Out Of Your Mind - Truesteppers and Dane Bowers feat. Victoria Beckham // The very definition of mediocre, not the very definition of worst.
53. Girl, You Know It's True - Milli Vanilli // Decent enough, Grammy winning pop song, but because Milli and Vanilli didn't actually sing on it, it somehow becomes a bad song. We're sure that there's some sort of logic involved there, but we're buggered if we can see it.
52. Dick-A-Dum-Dum (King's Road) - Des O'Connor // Never heard of this before last night, clearly included so the miked-up morons could make some really topical and up-to-date jokes about Des not being a very good singer. Come back Morcambe and Wise, no seriously, even your corpses would be more amusing than this lot.
51. I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston // At least they didn't plump for I Wanna Dance With Somebody which is fab.
50. Hooray Hooray, It's a Holi-Holiday - Boney M // We have a certain fondness for Boney M as they were number one on the day we were born. Even so, we'd still be hard pushed to give them this one.
49. Puppy Love - Donny Osmond // Better than the S Club Juniors' version.
48. Grandad - Clive Dunn // Crap, but it's crap for old people, so it doesn't really affect us as it can hardly be described as pop. Next.
47. Touch Me (I Want Your Body) - Samantha Fox // Good slice of upbeat eighties pop. Wasn't it amazing that all of the talking heads wanted to comment on the "Like a tramp in the night I'm begging for your love" line? It was almost as if they'd specifically been prompted to do so by the researchers.
46. Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice - Along side MC Hammer and Betty Boo, Vanilla Ice is one of the three greatest rappers of all time. Next.
45. Chick, Chick, Chicken - Natalie Casey // And who exactly remembers this? That's right, no-one. The only reason it was on the list was because they had Natalie Casey from 'sitcom' Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Please as one of the guests. This meant they could say "Look Natalie! This is when you were a kid singing a song badly, isn't this embarassing?!", to which the correct answer would, of course, be "No, of course it isn't. I was 3 and didn't have much of a choice in the matter.".
44. Shaddap You Face - Joe Dolce Music Theatre // This means nothing to me.
43. Fog On The Tyne (Revisited) - Gazza and Lindisfarne // Gazza was probably pissed when he recorded this, so it's not fair to slag him off for it, he didn't know what he was doing. Lindisfarne must take all the blame.
42. Can We Fix It? - Bob the Builder // Decent enough kids song with a funny video. Presumably the reason this has been included is because of the Milli Vanilli-esque scandal when it was discovered that it wasn't actually Bob doing the singing, but was in fact Neil "DIY obsessed weirdo" Morrisey.
41. Unchained Melody - Robson and Jerome // Every version of this song is rubbish, why single out theirs?
40. Y Viva Espania - Sylvia // We always thought this was by Jonathon King, it seems somehow improved now that we've discovered it's not.
39. Just Say No - Grange Hill Cast // Right... so lets get this straight, Ebeneezer Goode was a bad song because it promoted drug use, yet this is a bad song because it's against it. We're very confused, we'll just have to say "maybe" from now on.
38. Boys (Summertime Love) - Sabrina // We always thought this was a Sinitta track. Ah well.
37. Macarena - Los Del Rio // Fun, catchy, with a dance routine. It was never gonna change the world, it wasn't even looking for New England, but it was still a good pop tune.
36. Believe - Cher // This was pish, but then, it was by Cher, so it's hardly unexpected.
35. Long Haired Lover From Liverpool - Little Jimmy Osmond // Nope, nothing positive is coming to mind. Not about this song, though, just in general.
34. Lucky - Britney Spears // While we're not exactly Britney's biggest fan in the world, this is from the period when she was actually pretty good. If this was Me Against The Music then we'd be having no words of complaint.
33. Diamond Lights - Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle // Again, a song picked by lazy people who haven't actually heard it, but have just heard it's a bad song. Why not get some original opinions? Next.
32. Suspicious Minds - Gareth Gates // A rubbish version, but then, so was Elvis'. The only performance of this song of any note is that of Willie Nelson.
31. The Birdie Song - The Tweets // The original ambient track, using natural sounds to promote a sense of well-being and happiness. Next.
30. Can I Touch You There? - Michael Bolton // Well yeah, his inclusion goes without saying.
29. Mama - Who Da Man? - Richard Blackwood // Richard claimed to be the British answer to Will Smith, the question clearly being "What American artist are you the complete opposite to in every way, shape and form?".
28. For All Time - Catherine Zeta Jones // Never heard of it, presumably in the list because Miss Zeta-Jones is now a reasonably big star so looking back at a time where she wasn't quite as successful is going to be the funniest thing since a kitten got into a bag and had problems trying to get out again. Apparantly.
27. Wannabe - The Spice Girls // This is one of the greatest debut singles of all time, a statement of intent, a shiny bubblegum blitz of joy that makes you sit up and take notice, a song which has few equals and plenty of competitors. So why, in the name of Nicola, is it in a list of worst songs? Is it because they're girls? So therefore must be a bit rubbish according to the male dominated music industry? Is it because their last album was a bit rubbish? Or is, as is most likely, they're all just a bunch of snobs and wouldn't know a decent pop song if it came up to them covered in glitter, shaking a tambourine and singing "This is a great pop song" over a booty shaking beat.
26. No Way No Way - Vanilla // Actually, this is probably the reason the Spice Girls were on the list; they encouraged dross like this.
25. My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion // Surely they could have selected more than one wailing recording of her's to put in the chart?
24. The Lady In Red - Chris de Burgh // Again, not really much that can be said to argue against this one. Except possibly that it got it some airplay because of this, thus giving him royalties. And profiting from suffering is clearly wrong.
23. Earth Song - Michael Jackson // This shouldn't be in here, it's only him and Lee Ryan that seem to care about the plight of the elephants these days.
22. Teletubbies Say 'Eh-Oh' - The Teletubbies // It was released to keep kids happy and make the BBC a bit of cash, thus keeping te license fee down. It's not supposed to be accepted critically or judged on anything other than it's merits as a piece of music that keeps 3yo's (and oh, so witty ironic students) happy. Our opinion of it doesn't matter. Next.
21. There's No One Quite Like Grandma - St. Winifred's School Choir // Again, rubbish, but again, music for grannies, so why does it get wheeled out? So that they can get the member of the choir who's become a goth and say "look how she's changed! Isn't this funny?". And again, the answer is "No.".
20. Anyone Can Fall In Love - Anita Dobson // Well what can be said about this that hasn't been said before. It's a TV theme, released on public demand, the public wanted it, sod them if they suddenly decide they don't like it. It's their fault, let them live with their decision, don't condone it.
19. Living Next Door To Alice (Who The F**k Is Alice) - Smokie feat. Roy 'Chubby' Brown // Well of course this is shit, it features Roy 'Chubby' Brown, a man who brings new meaning to the word "comedian", mainly meanings which obliterate the use of the word 'funny'. This is bought by idiots who think it's hilarious because it has swearing in it and who then go out and buy aprons with blow up boobs on the front and The Star. Twats the lot of them.
18. 5,6,7,8 - Steps // Lazy revisionism, everyone loved Steps, they were the biggest selling pop act for years, they also split up on our birthday, the gits. Anyway, this isn't exactly their finest moment, but it's still good, and the lines going into the chorus are fab. They improved dramatically since then, but this would barely trouble the top 1000 worst songs ever, let alone the top 20.
17. Who Let The Dogs Out? - Baha Men // A stuid party tune, no pretense at being anything else, it dos what it does well and was mainly annoying because of all the idiots without a brain of their own shouting out the chorus like the mindless zombies that they no doubt are.
16. Against All Odds - Mariah Carey and Westlife // OK, so some of the songs on this list do deserve to be here.
15. Sacred Trust - One True Voice // It's hard to see this as a specifically bad record, it was a pretty pointless plod through through the garden of the mid-tempo ballad, but it's not one of the worst records ever, if this poll was carried out in a years time, even the fools behind the shortlist would be hard-pressed to include this. The only reason that this is seen as being so bad is because it was outshone by the mighty of Nicola and her Dancers, also known as Girls Aloud, but then, pretty much everything would have come out worse against Sound of the Underground, even something like Betty Boo's Doin' The Do. Let's all just forget about OTV and let them return to their obscurity without another thought. Things like this only make them seem far more important than they actually are.
14. (Everything I Do) I Do It For You - Bryan Adams // There are worse examples of the overblown ballad out there than this one, once again, the people involved need to be reminded that a song being overplayed does not make it a bad song.
13. Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini - Bombalurina feat. Timmy Mallett // This is certainly the best song about the dangers of skimpy, brightly coloured beach wear that we've ever heard.
12. Look At Me - Geri Halliwell // No, no, no, no, no! If this was Bag it Up or My Chico Latino then we could understand it being in here, but this, ignoring the clear ripping-off of The Propellerheads' History Repeating, is fantastic. It's Geri's finest moment, a big "fuck you" to the rest of the Spice Girls who were slipping into bland ballad hell, a song all about her, killing off her alter-ego and coming back stronger. OK, everything she released after this was about as good as slipping on ice and cracking your head, but with this song, for one brief moment she looked like the greatest pop star the world had ever seen.
11. Orville's Song - Keith Harris and Orville // Well, Cuddles wasn't on it, so that's something in it's favour, right?
10. Jenny From The Block - Jennifer Lopez // As with Colour Me Badd (and this is probably the only time that Miss R-Pez will be compared with them) this is lyrically rather dubious, but an average enough tune, so it hardly deserves to be top ten in any sort of poll ever, no matter how annoying and how bad an actress she is.
9. Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus // I was once told that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
8. Barbie Girl - Aqua // Once again the voting public confuse something that's been specifically crafted to worm it's way into the very centre of your brain and remain there until senility eventually sets in, leading to you spending the rest of your days humming the melody line to yourself like a gibbering fool, with something that's a big pile of steaming rubbish. And it's also exactly the same people who'll slag this off that will go on about how brilliant Turn Back Time, despite the fact that that's far more deserving of a place on this list than Barbie Girl.
7. Because We Want To - Billie // Oh, you poor, deluded, musical snobs; this was a great slice of teeny pop, far more relevant to a young adult's life than anything the angsty, indie bands were doing at the same time. As a debut, it again fires a statement of intent that was, admittedly, lost in the waters of her rubbish, pseudo-Britney second album, but was still exciting at the time, and to think that this moment of greatness was eventually followed up with the immense majesty of Honey to the Bee, one of the finest pop moments ever. So why was this included then? Surely not so that the commentators could have a couple of sly digs about the fact she's now married to Chris Evans? Oh, right.
6. Mr Blobby - Mr Blobby // Well, on the bright side, it made Noel Edmonds enough money so he could basically retire and keep his bearded face off of our TV screens.
5. Fast Food Song - The Fast Food Rockers // Other than the fact we quite fancy one of the members (Hot Dog, in case you're wondering) this has no redeeming features whatsoever. I mean, "Eat to the Beat", for fucks sake.
4. Candle In The Wind 1997 - Elton John // *DING DING DING DING* That, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the sound of the Worst Song In The World bell being triggered by the arrival of this, the worst song in the world. We don't think we need to explain why this is so bad, if you're unsure then just listen to it again. It does make us cry when we hear it, but not in a "What a waste of a life" kinda way, more in a "What a waste of plastic" vibe. The thing that is most bothering us though, is not the badness of this, which goes without saying, but that the voting public believe that there are 3 songs worse than this...
3. Agadoo - Black Lace // Hmmm, well we're not going to attempt to defend this as a good song, it is, without question, shite, but it does smack of the laziness of this sort of poll and people voting for things just because they've been constantly told it's a bad song. Show some sort of originality in your thought processes, vote for something that you actually think is a bad song, not what you've been culturally brainwashed to believe is a bad one. Odds are a lot of people who voted for it won't have actually heard it in full. Full being very nearly the appropriate word for them.
2. The Millennium Prayer - Cliff Richard // A more charitable person might describe Cliff as being a pioneer of the bootlegging craze with this bolted together piece of nonsese. We, on the other hand, would describe it as a travesty of epic proportions and would point out that the words don't even fit the music properly.
1. The Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum) - The Cheeky Girls // Again, not a song we're going to defend in terms of it's quality; it's the musical equivalent of hammering a nail into your thumb, but this song was never intended to be a great pop song, everyone involves knows its rubbish, the people buying it know it's rubbish and are buying into it in an ironic way. It knows it's place, basically. Surely the worst pop single of all time shoudl be one that doesn't know it's rubbish? One that believes it's a fine example of the genre. To call this the worst pop song is a bit like calling McDonalds the worst example of haute cuisine. No-one told them they'd entered the competion, so it would come as a surprise to find they'd lost. We may dislike the Cheeky Girls and everything they stand for, but they're certainly not the worst example of pop that this country has ever created.

So, what have we learned, partly that bad pop isn't what's represented in this list, bad pop is the the dull, emotionless Westlife style ballads, it's the half-hearted R&B, the watered down versions of electro-music styles and the meaningless cover versions that clog up the charts. We've also learnt that people will have an opinion on just about anything if you stick them in front of a camera and offer them money, however the main thing we've learnt is that it's a lot harder than you might think to come up with near enough 100 different ways of saying "No, actually, this one is quite good".

Well done for reaching the end. Have a cookie.

Link posted by Flum @ 9:30 pm // // E-Mail