Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

10 Things We State About... 

If you're going to Glastonbury this weekend it seems likely that you're spending too much time wondering exactly how much of your leg you're going to lose to trench foot and how unpleasant the bus journey home will be when you're suffering from an extreme dose of dysentery to bother worrying about exactly what bands you're going to go and see. Fear not, here are ten of the acts you might catch if you're lucky/unlucky (delete as applicable) enough to be in the vicinity at the right time:-
  1. Shirley Bassey - Taking on the Living Legend slot, also known as the Radio 2 Are Broadcasting From Here As Well So We Might As Well Give Them Something, Shirley will be performing the full gamut of her hits. From Big Spender to Goldfinger, to all the other ones that sound a bit like a cheap knock off of Goldfinger, she'll provide the sort of entertainment that can only truly be described as 'adequate'. It's probably the only chance you'll get to see someone wearing an evening dress for thier performance, though. Not unless the Arctic Monkeys make an attempt at stagecraft for the first time in their entirely unwarranted career.
  2. The Fratellis - You may or may not see The Fratellis in person, but it doesn't really matter as every single night the campsite will ring out with the atonal sounds of drunken lads singing the "Der. Der-der-der. Der-der-der. Der-der-der-de-der-der." riff from Chelsea Dagger on a pretty much constant basis. The sound not only haunting your festival experience, but also your waking thoughts for the remainder of your life.
  3. The Pipettes - We hope to God that they team their dresses with polka-dotted wellies and have some flunkies to run after them, protecting their hair with polka-dotted umbrellas. It's the least they deserve.
  4. The Wurzells - Except you can't see them any more as they've cancelled, upset at their low placing in the running order. Although it's not quite clear where in the line-up they genuinely expected to be placed. Either way, it's estimated that this announcement has led to 61% of punters with valid tickets enquiring about the possibility of getting their money back.
  5. The Saturday Night Main Stage Running Order of Lily Allen, followed by Paolo Nutini, followed by Paul Weller, followed by The Kooks - "The photocard system we've introduced has been pretty good at beating the touts but the real success story in that regard has been this part of the bill. No-one's going to pay over the odds to see that sort of crap. They'd have more watching some of my cows dropping a turd over in the next field.", said Glastonbury organiser Michael Eavis of this line-up. In a Somerset accent.
  6. The Automatic - Who have been given a remarkably long slot given that Monster's running time is only 3:41. Maybe they're going to do some jokes, also known as the rest of The Automatic's album.
  7. Mika - Because regardless of whether you find his music entertaining or not - and we do, regardless of the stigma this puts upon us, think that Grace Kelly is rather ace - there will be a lot of joy to be had when his hairstyle collapses with the weight of raindrops.
  8. The View - Who, as they perform their cover of Brimful of Asha, known as Same Jeans for reasons best known to their copyright lawyer, will no spark their fans into chanting, as they invariably do, "The View, The View, The View are on fire". We wouldn't piss on them even if they had flames reaching up to their earlobes.
  9. Hard-Fi - Are performing a secret gig on the Saturday night. Presumably on the not unreasonable supposition that as they they'll pull a bigger crowd if people don't know Hard-Fi are playing as opposed to if they do.
  10. Billy Bragg - Because they don't actually let you leave the site unless you can prove you've seen him.

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