Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

10 Things We State About... 

It's the Brit Awards tonight and, in a bid to remove any last vestige of excitement or interest that hadn't already been eradicated by the actual shortlist, ITV aren't actually bothering to transmit the awards until tomorrow night. We'll wait until after the broadcast to do a full review of proceedings, but until then here's ten entirely accurate and in no way made up facts about the awards. We plan on making this a weekly feature by the way, which, on past experience, basically means this will be the only time you'll ever see us do this.
  1. The first Brit Awards were held in a pub in America, where a drunken Britt Eckland held forth on who she reckoned were the best acts in the world. Awards were handed out for "Best rock act", "Widest Flare" and "Beshtest mate in the whole wide world".
  2. BRITS is not, as many people assume, a shortened form of British Phonographic Industry Awards, but is in fact an acronym, standing for "Brilliant Records, Including Terrible Songs", an ethos which the organisers still remain true to today.
  3. The honour of biggest winner is jointly held by Robbie Williams and Jeanette 'Wee Jimmy' Krankie. They both hold 14, although as 4 of his were during his time in Take That, Robbie just loses out overall.
  4. Annie Lennox owns photos of members of the BPI in compromising positions, hence her presence on the Best Female shortlist every other year.
  5. The Brits is famous for it's controversy. Who can forget the time where Jarvis Cocker wiggled his bum at Michael Jackson, when Chumbawamba threw water all over John Prescott or, most shockingly, they gave the Stereophonics a prize.
  6. Other winners which caused an upset on the night include Belle and Sebastian beating off Steps in 1999, Tom Jones being told he'd given an outstanding contribution to music despite the fact he'd just done a duet with the Stereo-fucking-phonics and the Aphex Twin's firm hold on the Best Pop Act award for the last 5 years.
  7. Awards which no longer exist include "Best Soundtrack", "Best video", "Most Fanciable Male", "Worst Haircut", "Best Skiffle" and "Artist most likely to suffer a drugs related breakdown in the next 12 months"
  8. Speaking of drugs, the street value of the toilet cubicles at the Brits is estimated at close to £1,000,000.
  9. While the winners are picked by a panel of music industry experts, the results are sent to the Queen for approval and she has been known to ask for changes to be made.
  10. Despite what the organisers would have you believe, no-one else in the world gives too hoots about the results of this ceremony.