Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

10 Things We State About... 

Coldplay have a new - that's new in the sense that the songs were recorded recently, rather than new in the sense of sounding any different to anything they've done before - album out this week and, barring an unexpected long player from the Crazy Frog, it seems set to take the number one spot with depressing ease. To celebrate the lack of taste of the vast majority of the album buying public, here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about the nations favourite demonstration of mediocrity:-
  1. Chris Martin can't even go to the toilet without writing a song about how it's such a torturous experience for a man like him. Indeed, much of the new album was written upon such occasions.
  2. The other three members really do make a difference.
  3. Coldplay used to use the illuminated globe from the front cover of their Parachutes as stage dressing when they toured. This was dropped, however, when it was realised that a simple ball of plastic with a light inside had more stage presence than the lead singer.
  4. Chris is so in thrall to the capitalist multi-national corporate world, that he even accepted a 7 figure deal from a computing company to sponsor his own daughter.
  5. Anyone who publicly expresses excitement over the new Coldplay album is to be immediately furnished with a dictionary so they can learn the difference between "excitement" and "mindnumbing tedium".
  6. Chris' favourite radio station is Magic FM because it's "all mellow".
  7. Alan McGee once described Coldplay as "bedwetters", a remark which caused immediate uproar, and quite right too. It was very insulting to good, honest bedwetters all over the world.
  8. The cover art for X & Y, despite being one of the 63 dullest things in the world, is still more thrilling than actually listening to the album.
  9. Chris wrote Clocks after being inspired by a gang of youths as he and the other members of the group went for a walk after band practice. "We walked past them", he said later, "and they just started shouting 'Clocks! What a bunch of clocks!" at us. I realised then that they saw us as representing their future and that the essence of time itself was inside of us. I just had to write about it". Following that experience, Chris also wrote the as yet unreleased Tankers, Hunts and Useless Motherfuckers.
  10. Shiver was quite good, mind.