Saturday, April 28, 2007
It's that time of year again. The time when FHM's ever so slightly hormonal readership take hold of a suitable implement and put a lot of thought and effort into deciding who exactly is the sexiest woman in the world. And, once they've dealt with that sticky problem, they pick up a pen and let FHM know what they've decided. As always there's quite a few pop stars in the list so here, once again, is FHM's Sexiest Women in Pop, 2007 Edition:
- 7. Cheryl Tweedy - Officially the sexiest person to stand behind a microphone shaking her bits to the hits for the second year running, Cheryl has, since the last poll took place, become a married woman, which puts her officially - as opposed to 'clearly', which was her previous status - out of the reach of FHM's readership. Not, mind you, that we imagine they spend a lot of time scouring the glossy pictures for evidence of wedding rings and availability.
- 14. Christina Aguilera - Just like in the inspiration for her latest single, Candyman, if you stand in front of a mirror and say Christina's name five times she appears behind you, a strange buzzing noise coming from her general vicinity. Unlike in Candyman, however, the strange buzzing noise definitely isn't coming from a swarm of bees.
- 15. Rachel Stevens - At least there's still one chart that Rachel can perform well in. Poor Rachel. She'll catch her death if she has to spend the entirety of her career standing around in her pants.
- 17. Sarah Harding - Sarah, of course, is also planning on spending the rest of her career standing around in her pants, but at least she'll be able to keep warm by making a fire using the money she's earned with Girls Aloud. Unfortunately for Rachel, unsold CDs aren't famed for their flammable properties.
- 18. Beyonce Knowles - The "To the left, to the left" part of her recent single, Unbreakable was inspired by a frustrating journey the bootylicious singer took which, thanks to a faulty SatNav system, found her driving around, travelling in ever decreasing circles.
- 21. Jessica Simpson - Jessica and her
comedy prophusband, Nick Lackey have now split up, leaving her available for anyone who wishes to make her their wife. Or, indeed, pet. Whichever position she's more qualified for, really.
- 22. Nicole Scherzinger - Or The Only Pussycat Doll Anyone Can Actually Name, to give her her full moniker.
- 27. Nadine Coyle - Since beginning her relationship with That Bloke From Desperate Housewives, Nadine's hemlines had begun snaking down to a level which could almost - almost, mind - be considered as respectable. Now that they appear to have split up, again, it seems likely that they'll soon be returning to their usual gynecological level with indecent haste.
- 29. Avril Lavigne - Avril is, to quote her own lyrics, the best damn thing your eyes have ever seen, which proves, if nothing else, that she's as modest as she is tall.
- 30. Lindsay Lohan - Unlike Rachel Stevens and Sarah Harding, Lindsay seems intent on spending most of her career standing around not wearing any pants whatsoever.
- 38. Joss Stone - Despite formerly being fond of wearing some nice dresses, Joss' fashion sense seems to have entirely deserted her. Her current stylist appears to be a five year old child, who designs all her outfits using a 101 Dolls colouring book and isn't particularly good at keeping her crayons inside the lines.
- 39. Hilary Duff - Hilary has now gone brunette, presumably in a bid to convince us that she's now a 'serious artist'. She would probably be a bit more successful in this aim if it wasn't for the fact she's called her album Dignity and thinks that this squares with someone who goes out with a member of Good Charlotte. The album is ace, though.
- 46. Billie Piper - We still miss Rose :( And her pop career :(:(
- 47. Nicola Roberts - And for the first time ever, Nicola is no longer 'officially' the least sexy member of Girls Aloud. Hooray! Of course, we've known this ever since we first laid eyes on the ginger goddess, but it's nice to know that the rest of the country is finally beginning to catch up with the facts of the matter. She's still got 46 places left to climb, but at least she's beginning to get close to her rightful position on top of the pile.
- 48. Holly Valance - Apparently she does acting now. If you want to see her performing, your best bet is to hang out in various DSS offices around central London where you'll be able to watch a maestro in action as she claims benefits under one of seven different identities.
- 54. Britney Spears - We dunno if Britney's recent hairloss experience has effected her placing in this poll. It probably hasn't, though, and if anything might have improved it. As we understand it, most FHM readers prefer their popstars to be shaven.
- 55. Rihanna - We can literally think of nothing whatsoever to say about Rhianna, and given that we can normally happily make jokes until the cows come home about even the most non-descript of popstars - look at the amount of stuff we've written about Atomic Kitten if you don't believe us - this must make her a complete personality vacuum. Fortunately her music doesn't suck. Arf.
- 61. Kimberley Walsh - Being as northern as a whippet chasing after a pigeon, Kimberley is likely to take her new role as the least attractive member of the band in her stride, the only real indication of her anger, annoyance and frustration coming out when she stirs her tea with slightly more aggression and force than normal.
- 65. Charlotte Church - Charlotte is now pregnant, but given that the last thing she spawned was her abomination of a TV show we can only hope that when she gives birth it's to something with more to offer society than that.
- 67. Myleene Klass - Myleene can currently be seen in the Marks and Spencers commercial, where she and her friends have a picnic in their underwear. Do Marks and Spencers not sell overcoats any more? If there's any midges around they'll soon regret their spartan wardrobe arrangements.
- 87. Jennifer Ellison - Jenny could recently be seen appearing in Chicago and, if all goes well, she'll soon make it to New York, just as soon as she can get together enough change for the bus fare.
- 94. Heidi Range - The highest performing Sugababe. Most likely because the voters found it easier to spell "Heidi" than they did "Keisha" or "Amelle".