Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Church of the Poison Mind
So, not only is Charlotte Church riding high in the hit parade with her 'debut' - in the sense that it's the first time she's done anything that people outside of your Gran and the Pope might want to buy - single, but she's also, thanks to some cheeky paparazzi snaps, apparently been offered a lingerie modeling contract, something which she certainly won't be making a half-arsed job of. Arf. With all this going on, you'd be forgiven for thinking that all is rosy in the life of the Welsh wonderkid teen, but could there be something altogether more unpleasant lurking under the surface? Is Crazy Chick less a rollicking little pop song and more a cry for help? In short, is Charlotte Church clinically insane? Let's find out, shall we?
The Case for the Prosecution
The Case for the Prosecution
- In a recent radio interview, Charlotte said that the only people in pop music whose talent was on a par with her own were Joss Stone and Natasha Bedingfield, before going on to be vaguely dismissive of "other girl groups". Now, while we do adore Natasha - sigh - and would be hugely supportive of Joss if she limited her career to the wearing of nice dresses and stopped with the whole singing malarky, to claim that there's no-one else in pop worth talking about is a bit like saying that Josie & The Pussycats is the only movie which is worth watching, which is clearly nonsense. Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion is worth a look too.
- She's recently been displaying an interest in signing up to the religion to which all celebrities seem to succumb - after a few months pissing around with Kabalah, that is - Scientology. The main tenets of this seem to revolve around buying L Ron Hubbard's crappy sci-fi books and the administering of personality tests to random people in your local high street. If you ever feel compelled to take one of these tests, we can save you some time and tell you that it's likely to show that you're gullible, easily led and you're quite keen to be ripped off of large amounts of money.
- She's picked a fight with the Pope. Well, she's said she doesn't like him anyway, which, by the time it filtered down to tabloid level, was treated as if she'd insulted his mother before making a rude gesture in his general direction. And what was the reason for Charlotte making this slightly mild outburst? Was it because of his attitudes towards homosexuality? The Catholic Church's general disrespect towards women? Or perhaps it's the refusal to sanction the use of contraceptives? No, it's because he wants to ban Harry Potter books because they're full of witchcraft and other such ungodly things. This in itself doesn't make him a bad person, although he is, we want to ban Harry Potter books, or at the very least ban adults from reading them. Especially if they buy the ones with the bloody adult covers.
- She's dating a Welsh rugby player. Despite being Scottish, we generally support Wales in sporting events for reasons which are far to dull to go into but are pretty much based around us not caring about sport at all and wanting to annoy our far more patriotic friends, even so, we find it hard to understand why she'd want to date someone whose job description consists of him getting a broken nose and a cauliflower ear, before he rounds off the day with 15 pints of lager and a few rude songs. Ah, actually, now we're beginning to understand why she's drawn towards him.
- She's been picking a fight with George W Bush as well, telling anyone who'll listen the story of him asking her what state Wales was in. She resisted making the obvious joke, instead politely making her excuses and not correcting him. Although when she tells the tale know you'd be forgiven for thinking that she called him retarded before taking out a dunces cap and plonking it on his head. It's not madness to think that Bush has all the intelligence of a doorknob - it's pretty much a given, after all, he's already been outsmarted by a pretzel - but to tell the world this is a somewhat risky strategy given the trigger happy nature of the current incumbent of the Presidential office. We don't want to wake up one morning and find out that Wales has been occupied and now is an American state.
- She enjoys drinking Cheeky Vimto, port mixed with WKD Blue. This she calls a cocktail which is wrong on two grounds: first of all, a cocktail should consist of at least three separate ingredients, and secondly a cocktail should actually taste nice, which is a test in which both a Cheeky Vimto and, indeed, an ordinary Vimto falls down.
- Oh, and those pedal pushers she wore on Top of the Pops a couple of weeks back certainly weren't the choice of a sane mind.
- It's just a pop song, jeez, don't take everything so seriously. Next you'll be telling us that Chris Martin suffers from jaundice, Nelly Furtado labours under the belief that she's related to a woodpigeon and that the New Seekers really do have nothing better to do with their time than go round every single member of the world's population and teach them, not just the basics, but advanced classes in close harmony singing. Mind you, you'd probably be right about the last one.
