Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

10 Things We State About... 

Kylie is back home in Australia, restarting her Showgirl tour which was rudely interupted when the small yet perfectly formed popstar examined her small yet perfectly formed breasts and discovered a small yet perfectly formed tumor lurking there. Still, she's better now and will no doubt soon be back with a new album, which we hope and pray is of the "Hooray! I've beaten cancer, let's party!" style and not of the maudlin, whiney, "Oh I've had cancer, doesn't it make you appreciate how precious life is" yawnsome sort of nonsense. Delta, we're looking at you here. Anyway, to celebrate this - and because, as a reader recently pointed out to us, we've not actually covered her yet, which is something of an oversight, particularly given we've now done Madonna twice - here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about the world's favourite miniscule pop princess:-
  1. Without her global success, the word 'Antipodean' wouldn't be used nearly as much as it is today.
  2. 97% of the world's professional Kylie Minogue impersonators are male. The other 3% don't get much work.
  3. Recently Kylie replaced her old, antiquated, and somewhat rusty toastie maker with a brand new, modern, up to date model, but she was never truly satisfied with the results of her latest purchase. It's true what they say, it's better the Breville you know.
  4. On special occasions and state ceremonies, her gold hotpants can be seen flying proudly above the Australian parliament.
  5. Following a downturn in demand for foppish Englishman sort of roles, the 'actor' Hugh Grant found himself in dire circumstances and, in desperation, asked Kylie if he could live in her backgarden, taking shelter from the elements alongside her lawnmower, garden furniture and other miscelaneous items. She reluctantly agreed, but Hugh swiftly stopped paying the token rent she asked him to and she is currently involved in legal proceedings to evict him. Unfortunately he's now claimed squatters rights and, according to the law, he is fully entitled to stay there. She just can't get Hugh out of her shed.
  6. Like many other Australian popstars, Kylie once acted in the popular soap, Neighbours. Well, she was in Neighbours at any rate.
  7. Kylie songs are improved neither by being played on either acoustic guitar nor by being done in a thrashy punk style. Two bit indie bands please take note.
  8. The defiantly heterosexual Robbie Williams' duet with Kylie was definitely the sort of stuff red-blooded males dream of and any similarity between that and an aspiration held by more homosexually inclined men is merely coincidental.
  9. When walking down the street, Kylie is always careful to avoid walkng on the cracks in the pavement. Not out of superstition, she's just terrified she'll fall through one and end up trapped.
  10. Ace though she is, she'll probably never top Confide in Me :(