Thursday, May 17, 2007
The A To Z of Girls Aloud
We're going to see Girls Aloud on Saturday night, and we can safely say, without recourse to hyperbole or overexageration that it's likely to be the single greatest event in music, if not the world's history. We're a bit excited about it, in case you can't tell. Anyway, as we've exhausted all other avenues in our pretty much weekly coverage of the band, we've had to come up with a new feature to preview the gig and, as you should know by now, as far as we're concerned 'new' means 'knocked off', so join us as we proudly present The A to Z of Girls Aloud:-
- A is for Albums. The girls have released three proper albums so far, each one rewriting the rules of modern pop, changing the face of music as we know it and, as if all that wasn't enough, they also came with some nice pictures of the girls looking pretty.
- B is for Biology. And you certainly can't mistake theirs. Not, admittedly, that they make much effort to disguise it.
- C is for Clothes. Which Girls Aloud sometimes even remember to wear.
- D is for Death Metal. Girls Aloud are not a death metal band.
- E is for Educated. Given that Girls Aloud seem to spend half their time dressed in school uniform these days, it's clear that all these extra-curricular lessons must be turning them into a right set of brainboxes.
- F is for Fighting. Cheryl is the best at this, and has a criminal record to prove it. Not that you'd want to argue the point with her. Face it, she could have you.
- G is for Ginger. All the best pop groups contain a redhead - Spice Girls, Lush, Garbage, etc - and Girls Aloud are no exception. Simply Red are the exception.
- H is for Hotpants. Generally modelled by Nicola. And quite right too.
- I is for Indigenous People. Girls Aloud are very concerned about the plight of indigenous people. Probably.
- J is for Jump. This was the first of many covers for Girls Aloud, who seem unable - or unwilling - to accept that everyone is happier when they're doing exciting electropop originality and not enjoyable, but lazy rehashes of past hits.
- K is for Kimberly. Who seems to rapidly becoming less a member of the band and more a piece of unprepossessing set dressing.
- L is for Love Machine. This is not about vibrators.
- M is for Motorcycles. Which the Girls got to ride in the video for Wake Me Up. In real life, however, riding a motorcycle is one of the worst things you can do if you're feeling a bit sleepy. It's up there with operating heavy machinery and going to a KT Tunstall concert.
- N is for Nadine. It's also for Nicola. But wouldn't be if Nadine ever gets her way.
- O is for One True Voice. Apparently they were the girls' rivals when they initially burst onto the music scene, but given the lack of evidence for them having ever existed and given that no-one, not even the supposed members of the band, has any recall of the group, this seems remarkably unlikely.
- P is for Pout. As part of their popstar training the girls had to spend an intensive four week course learning how to pout properly. It mainly involved the use of straws and ping pong balls.
- Q is for Question. For example, "What on earth can we use for the 'Q' slot?".
- R is for Roses. Girls Aloud don't seem like the sort of band who'd respond favourably to the chocolate box and roses school of courting. Half a dozen Bacardi Breezers, on the other hand...
- S is for Some Kind of Miracle. Which still should have been released as a single instead of Life Got Cold. One day we're going to build a time machine, like one in a film we've seen, and sort out that particular historical cock-up.
- T is for Tweedy. Except it's actually for Cole, now, but we've already used the C for Clothes.
- U is for Underwear, which the girls can often be found hanging around the kitchen in. Apart, of course, from Sarah, who can be found hanging out in her underwear in a variety of exotic locales as she does her best to push up sales of Ultimo bras, who do their best to push up Sarah.
- V is for Videos. And, in a testament to their financial nous, not one of their videos has ever had a budget of more than £100. Or featured Nicola for more than five seconds, which is less of a testament.
- W is for Wide of the Mark. Which, in our entirely unbiased and open minded opinion, is true of any review that fails to describe the girls in anything less than glowing terms.
- X is for Xylophone. An instrument which has not yet featured in any Girls Aloud song to the best of our knowledge.
- Y is for Yawn. Something which you're unlikely to do at a Girls Aloud concert, ballad section not withstanding, of course.
- Z is for Zoo. The Girls totally love going to the zoo. Promise.
Labels: A to Z, Girls Aloud
