Given that the Great British Public embraces piss poor 'comedy' charity cover versions with almost as much enthusiasm as Elton John celebrating his own career, it's somewhat inevitable that Peter Kay and Matt Lucas' cover of The Proclaimers' 500 Miles has stormed straight to the top spot and, if the unpleasant experience of (Is This The Way To) Amarillo two years ago is anything to go by, will likely to stay there for a million years, long after everyone in the country with any shred of taste or intelligence has gotten sick of it, i.e. two minutes into the initial broadcast.

Equally inevitable is that we, on being confronted with a long list of some description, feel it's our sworn duty to provide an in depth guide to it - or at the very least a few half-arsed jokes - so join us as we run down the list of every celebrity person who appears in the star people packed vid:-

• Pete Waterman - According to his autobiography which, by the way, is a brilliant read, Pete invented every single movement in popular music, including, as he was the elder in the tribe at the time, persuading a group of bored cavemen to begin banging rocks together in a rudimentary attempt at rhythm.
  
• Bob the Builder - Bob is currently regretting being so publicly bold about his fixing abilities as he awaits questioning by Jamaican police as the chief suspect for the murder of Pakistani cricket coach, Bob Woolmer.
  
• Bonnie Langford - Despite what you may have been led to believe by Billie Piper's masterful performance in the role, not all of Doctor Who's assistants where any cop.
  
• Eddie Large - Eddie's erstwhile comedy partner Syd Little doesn't appear to be in the video, perhaps he was in a huff after the pair of them had yet another argument about who was the straight man in the act. This always ends in blows after they both fail to provide any evidence whatsoever that they should be considered to be the funny one.
  
• June Whitfield - Of Terry and June and Absolutely Fabulous fame. Ah, those golden, hazy days when comedy didn't actually need to be funny.
  
• The Krankies - For some reason it's OK for Ian Krankie to sleep with a schoolboy night after night after night, but Jonathan King tries it just once and suddenly he's the bad man. This is what we call a double standard. Though in Jonathon's case we also call him an odious toad.
  
• Paul O'Grady - Watching Paul's teatime chatshow on a daily basis has been scientifically proven to bring on early onset of the menopause. Even if you're male.
  
• Bill Oddie - The Goodies star has previously been immortalised in another number one hit, David Bowie's Bill Oddity.
  
• Basil Brush - The number one weapon in the Countryside Alliance's campaign to get the rest of the British public behind the idea of relegalising fox hunting.
  
• Willie Thorne - An unpleasant condition which arises mainly from couples who enjoy getting 'friendly' in outdoor areas with an above average concentration of rose bushes.
  
• Tess Daily - Goes out with Vernon Kay, and as such has to endure his smug, perma-grinning, oily face staring down at her on a regular basis. Poor Tess, someone should set up a fund to help alleviate her intolerable suffering.
  
• Clare Grogan - From Altered Images, Clare views each upcoming birthday with dread as she knows that her friends will be unable to resist the temptation to perform an out of tune rendition of her band's biggest hit. Which probably won't sound much different to the original, to be fair.
  
• Sally from Coronation Street - We have better things to do than watch Coronation Street. Although given that 'better things' generally amounts to writing this drivel, this may be open to debate.
  
• Roy Walker - Roy once attempted to illuminate his home with a really well drawn picture of a candle, but without much success. It was good, but it wasn't light.
  
• Johnny Ball - An evil man. Yes, he may have been the nation's favouite crazy uncle on Think of a Number and other science based kids show, but he did sire Zoe Ball and that is something for which he can never be forgiven.
  
• Gary Wilmot - A star of musicals. And we mean that in the 'being in musicals' sense, by the way, not the 'being Robbie Williams' sense.
  
• Jasper Carrot - Jasper's joy at his comedic success was tinged with sadness recently when he discovered that for all these years people hadn't been laughing at his finely crafted jokes, just at his hilarious accent.
  
• Dusty Bin - This is Dusty's first video appearence since he collaborated with the Pet Shop Boys on What Have I Done to Deserve This.
  
• David Tennant - Who?
  
• Rod, Jane and Freddy - With their simplistic, repetitive melodys and lyrics that a child could remember, their appearences on Rainbow in the seventies paved the way for the Acid House movement of the late eighties.
  
• Louis Walsh - Well, he does have a bit of time on his hand these days.
  
• Nora Batty - Nora appears in that hilarious programme about old timers trying to get to grips with a modern world that's left them far behind: Blue Peter.
  
• Bob Carolgees and Spit the Dog - Nowadays, of course, Spit would get an Asbo and Bob would be prosecuted by the RSPCA.
  
• Frank Sidebottom - A papier mache headed genius. You know he is, he reeeea-llyyyyy isssssss.
  
• Mad Lizzie - Or Queen Elizabeth II, as she's less casually known.
  
• Cannon and Ball - It must be nice for them to get out of the house.
  
• Burt Kwouk - At the height of his fame, Burt once attempted to market an etch-a-sketch rip-off under the name of Kwouk-a-doodle-do. It wasn't a success.
  
• Fiz from Coronation Street - Fiz from The Tweenies posesses more sex appeal.
  
• Carol Decker - T'Pau's biggest hit, China in Your Hand was based around a dream Carol had about a boyfriend who grew to a gigantic size and was able to hold the entire Asian continent in one sweaty palm. "It was right terrifying!", she later said of the experience.
  
• Cilla from Coronation Street - You may have seen Cilla on various panel shows recently. She was the one who was confusing 'being Northern' with 'being funny'.
  
• Kenny Lynch - Since making his fortune from the groundbreaking Twin Peaks TV series, Lynch has clearly invested a large amount of money and time in his local tanning salon.
  
• Rupert the Bear - Bears are dangerous animals and, in real life, don't take kindly to being dressed up in a red jumper and a yellow checked scarf. Something we learnt through bitter, painful experience.
  
• Robert Powell - Teamed up with Jasper Carrot in The Detectives, his job was to provide plot exposition while Jasper gurned and made Brummie noises in the background.
  
• Postman Pat and Jess the Cat - Despite being laid off due to the Government's policy of decimating the rural Postal Service, Pat has still refused to hand in his uniform, which makes most of the Greendale residents worry that he might be a bit unstable, particularly with his habit of walking around with a stuffed cat permenantly on his arm. Mrs Goggins, who Pat has been carrying out an illicit affair with, doesn't mind, however. She thinks uniforms are hot.
  
• Tony Blackburn - For Tony this wasn't a video shoot, just how he imagines his day to day life to be.
  
• Stan Boardman - Stan took his surname from the state which all male audience members found themselves in after watching his act.
  
• Showaddywaddy - And you thought One True Voice was a bad band name.
  
• Kevin from Coronation Street - Did everyone on the bloody show get the afternoon off to come down and do this?
  
• Timmy Mallett - When walking down the street, Timmy often finds that people spontaneously decide to play Mallett's Mallett, the word association game, when they see him. Generally they always shout the same word though, which means they get a bash on the head for a) repetition and b) rudeness.
  
• Bucks Fizz - The concept of them being invited to a showbiz party is very much in the land of make believe.
  
• David Bellamy - David is so close and in touch with his beloved environment that he's now more moss than man.
  
• Benny from Crossroads - Well, at least it's not Coronation Street.
  
• Keith Chegwin - It's no surprise to see Keith here, as he's a man so desperate for fame that he once spent months broadcasting live on the internet, twelve hours a day for a couple of months in a quest for celebrity and recognition. Only a truly pathetic sort would waste their time sending out their half thought out opinions into cyberspace. Erm...
  
• Sonia - Living proof that, despite the impression we may sometimes give on this site, not all ginger popstars should be celebrated.
  
• Joe Sugden from Emmerdale - Do people even watch Emmerdale?
  
• Des Lynam - Remember the days when Des used to be a respected broadcaster? No, us neither.
  
• Status Quo - Here hoping to learn that mythical fourth chord from the Proclaimers.
  
• Limahl - Not in the video much as he spent a lot of his time trying to avoid the camera. Well, he is too shy.
  
• Terry Nutkins - While Michaela Strachan provided the brains on The Really Wild Show, Terry was there to provide a bit of glamour.
  
• Bobby Davro, Bobby Davro - Da-dan-dala-dan-dala-dan-dala-dan-dan-dan.

Labels: 500 Miles, Comic Relief, Peter Kay, Red Nose Day