Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Thursday, December 14, 2006

10 Things We State About... 

In just over a week's time it'll be Christmas, and already the airwaves are filled with the sort of music you'd never voluntarily listen to without having previously undergone some sort of overly enthusiastic lobotomy. Still, it is, as Half Man Half Biscuit once sang, cliched to be cynical at Christmas, so instead of bitching about hearing Wizzard's I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day for the umpteenth time, despite the fact that the overplaying of said song is a very good argument against the policy it's promoting, and instead let's celebrate this fact with ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about Christmas Songs:-
  1. Contrary to what many proponents of the genre believe, you can have too many sleighbells.
  2. Cliff Richard makes a small fortune at Christmas time, but as a good Christian, he doesn't profit from this himself, preferring instead to donate all his royalties to charity. The charity in question is The Fund For Keeping Cliff Richard in the Manner to Which He's Become Accustomed.
  3. In 1979 Paul McCartney was having such a wonderful Christmas time that he could only be arsed to spend five minutes tossing together the sort of mediocre saccharine nonsense that gives Christmas songs - and music in general - a bad name.
  4. Thom Yorke's favourite Christmas song is Fat Les' Naughty Christmas (Goblin in the Office). "I just adore anything that Keith Allen is involved in", said the wonky eyed singer, "I think that's why I love Lily Allen's music so much". He then ran off to save the whale. Sorry, honk like a whale.
  5. Noddy Holder is equally enthusiastic about other Christian festivals, and the start of Spring is often heralded by a manically haired brummy shouting "Fuck me! It's EASTEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
  6. The race for the Christmas number one used to be one of the most exciting contests during the chart year. Of course, with all the stress associated with Christmas time, the last thing we need is more things to worry about, so we should be thankful to the X Factor for taking any sort of thrill or interest out of the contest.
  7. Despite Feed the World now having been released three times, many parts of the world are still hungry, though most are now aware that it's Christmas time. And that Bono is a sanctimonious cunt.
  8. People will buy any old shit at Christmas time, a fact evidenced by the success of The Darkness' 'effort', although we imagine Justin puts in a bit more effort when he relieves himself than he did on this offering.
  9. Shakin' Stevens got his name due to his insistence on filming all his Christmas videos in the actual cold, despite the shivering this would cause.
  10. Fairytale of New York is still gorgeousness defined, however, though not as lovely as Low's Just Like Christmas.